Barrier 1

Unclear Rules for Communication

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"I expect better communication, but regardless of what I say or do, he continues to communicate in ways I consider inappropriate or unacceptable."

"I cannot stand it when he belittles me, but if I walk away he'll get mad at me."

 

Feelings:

Frustrated, confused, inadequate, resentful.

 

Actions:

Participating in conversations--actively or passively--that are non-productive or disrespectful. Examples: (1) Continuing to talk, even though he is not listening. (2) Passively listening while he speaks unkindly. (3) Speaking unkindly because he. . . .

GENERAL INFORMATION

Everyone has his own personal rules or standards for effective communication, whether conscious of them or not. If you are not aware of or comfortable with your standards, you cannot take a stand or have your stand respected. Consequently effective communication becomes difficult or impossible. Often, two people attempt to communicate without clearly defined and mutually agreed upon rules. Therefore they inadvertently risk stepping on each other's toes or, at the least, communicating ineffectively.

Example: The first time Curtis and Catherine came to my office, Catherine explained at length and in great detail about the communication problems they were having. Curtis hardly said a word. Finally, when I asked for his opinion, he began to explain, "If I say something she does not like, she mouths off--." She quickly interjected, "I may mouth off at times, but his mouth is always off."

As you and your companion clarify and agree on the basic rules for effective communication (the Three Rules For Good Communication), a common barrier to effective communication is removed.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

1.  
2. Consider what will be different when you and your companion are communicating better. Think of times in the past when communication was successful. What was different during those times?

   Example: As Lee struggled to recall times when he and Joyce were not arguing or avoiding each other, he discovered some interesting things. First, there actually were times when they got along better. Second, he came up with some things he could do differently to communicate better. Third, he began to feel more hopeful.

    

3. Consider what guidelines or standards you believe to be absolutely essential for effective communication. You might find it helpful to write down your ideas. A good place to begin is with the Three Rules for Good Communication--Be kind, Be Honest, and Have Constructive Intent. Make sure you include any additional rules you consider essential for good communication (such as discussing sensitive topics only when hunger, fatigue, and time are not issues).
   1. Note: If you are concerned that certain conversations tend to last longer than you wish, try setting a time limit (thirty minutes or so).

    

4. After you have completed your list, go back and elaborate on each item you consider essential for good communication. Be specific and include examples. For instance, what do you mean by kind? How will you know when he is treating you kindly?.

   Example: Walter was accustomed to telling Carol what he thought she "should" or "shouldn't" do. In his mind, there was nothing disrespectful or unkind about his language. Carol, however, interpreted words like "should," "must," "cannot," and "have to," as coercive. It was not a matter of who was right. The important fact is that effective communication can only occur when both agree they are being treated kindly.

   Solution: Either Walter uses different words ("I prefer" rather than, "You should") or Carol can remind herself his use of the word "Should" is not intended to be demanding or coercive.

    

5. After identifying and clarifying your rules for good communication, evaluate yourself according to your own standards. Notice where you are doing well and where you would like to improve.

    

6. Before you share your list with your companion, invite him to read this chapter and privately make up his own rules for good communication. Meanwhile, work on living up to your own standards.

    

7. After he has completed his list, and if he is willing, compare notes. If he does not want to read this chapter or make a list, but you believe he has given some thought to his guidelines, proceed anyway.
   1. Caution: If he is not clear on his guidelines and you are clear on yours, he may feel he is being controlled or manipulated.

   Remember: As long as you are not trying to control him, any feelings he may have to the contrary do not change the facts.

    

8. In discussing your rules, emphasize the mutually agreed upon points.
   1. Important: Do not assume you know what the other means. Remember the meaning of "ASSUME" (making an ASS out of U and ME). Do not try to be a mind reader no matter how good you seem to be at it. Instead, ask questions. A good question to ask is "What do you mean by that?" After you both understand what each other's rules are, you will probably find them quite similar.

      Note: Differences are more likely to reflect different points of view toward the same thing rather than fundamental differences. One person may provide a long, highly detailed list while the other provides a short, concise list covering the most important points. If you discover major differences that cannot be resolved in a mutually satisfactory manner, consider seeking professional help. (See How To Select A Therapist.)

    

9. Whenever one of you appears to be violating a mutually agreed upon rule, signal time-out--place hands together to form a "T"--then kindly point out the violation. If both of you can agree and get back in bounds, the discussion can continue successfully; otherwise, kindly postpone the discussion to a later time. Agree in advance to use the "time-out" signal only when you sincerely care about your companion and are committed to improving the relationship.

   Result: Calling time-out will be defined as an act of love rather than rejection or avoidance. Before you know it, you will both fit like a "T."

   Example:

   Ron: "Your voice seems to be getting a little loud. I think we're getting outside of the `Three Rules.'"

   Kathy: "You are right, I 'm sorry."

   Conversation continues.

   Example:

   Georgia: "I get the feeling you are trying to make me agree with you."

   Mike: "You know I am right when it comes to disciplining the children."

   Georgia (Time Out signal): "Mike, I love you and look forward to discussing this matter when we both can be more open-minded." Georgia then politely left the room, even though Mike wanted to continue the "discussion."

   Result: Whether or not your companion agrees with your methods, you will eliminate arguments.

   Important: Do not forget to follow up on any postponed discussions at a later time.

   With patience and practice, you will find it easier and easier to communicate by the rules you have set.