Barrier 2

Difficult Distinguishing Thoughts and Feelings from Facts

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"This is the way it is."

"She does not know what she is talking about."

 

Feelings:

Unusually strong feelings attached to opinions.

 

Actions:

Difficulty listening to and accepting others' viewpoints.

Jumping to conclusions.

Incorrectly assuming you know what someone else is thinking or feeling.

GENERAL INFORMATION

In order to communicate effectively, it is necessary to clearly label an opinion an opinion, a feeling a feeling, and a fact a fact. Then facts are easily agreed upon, which sets the stage for respecting, understanding, and discussing each others thoughts and feelings.

If, however, you strongly believe that your thoughts or feelings accurately represent the facts when in fact they do not, it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to reason with yourself or with others. When you observe another person's words and actions and assume you know more than you actually know (their private thoughts, feelings, or motives), misunderstandings will naturally result.

Consider, for instance, two people discussing the merits of a particular fruit, where one is basing his opinions on apples and the other is basing her opinions on oranges. If each thinks they are talking about the same fruit, try as they might, they will not be able to understand each other's opinions and feelings. He may talk about enjoying the crunchiness of the fruit, while she might insist it was not crunchy at all, but rather, soft and juicy. He may insist peeling the fruit was optional, while she might think he was crazy to think such a thing. They could argue about the rightness or wrongness of each other's opinion indefinitely and still not understand or agree.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

1.  
2. Compare situations where communication seems successful versus unsuccessful. Notice situations where communication goes well and opinions, feelings, and facts are clearly differentiated and labelled.

   Examples:

   Opinion stated as fact: "It takes too long to watch a baseball game"

   Better: "It usually takes about three hours for a nine-inning baseball game to be played [Fact]. That's longer than I am comfortable with [Opinion]."

   Opinion stated as fact: "You are a reckless driver."

   Better: "Although you have never been in an accident, you do tend to exceed the speed limit [Facts], and I feel uncomfortable when you do so [Feeling/Opinion]."

   Opinion stated as fact: "You are a good cook."

   Better: "I like the way you cook [Opinion]."

    

3. In your conversations, practice clearly labelling an opinion as an opinion, a feeling as a feeling, and a fact as a fact.
   1. Key point: Use words that indicate a fact only when describing objective facts. Watch for the words listed below which describe thoughts and feelings, and compare them to the words that suggest fact.

   Thinking and Feeling Words	Fact Words
   I think... I feel... I like... I believe... I prefer... It seems to me... It appears to me... It is apt... It might... My point of view... My feeling is... My opinion is...	It is... You are... I know... You are feeling... You are thinking...

   For additional information, please see Central Principle 3: Feelings versus Facts.

    

4. Practice with your companion distinguishing thoughts and feelings from facts
   •  
   • Agree to practice on a topic you have both had difficulty discussing.
     • Caution: Do not select an extremely controversial situation.

      

   • Agree on the objective facts of the situation. You may wish to write down the facts you come up with.
     • Key point: Agreeing on the facts is a basic and critical element of effective communication and initially may take the most effort. Discussing thoughts and feelings before you agree on the facts is apt to be counterproductive.

      

   • Discuss your thoughts and feelings about those facts, using the Three Rules for Good Communication (Be Kind, Be Honest, and Have Constructive Intent).

   Result: As you improve in distinguishing thoughts and feelings from facts, you will discover more opportunities for agreement as well as ways to disagree without being disagreeable.