Barrier 5

Trying to Get Your Companion to Communicate Better

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"How can I get through to him . . . to get him to listen to me, talk with me, accept me, and understand me?" "Why won't he . . . ?"

 

Feelings:

Discouraged, frustrated, helpless, upset.

 

Actions:

Coming on too strong. Walking on eggs so as not to upset him. Violating your own rules for good communication.

GENERAL INFORMATION

Wanting better communication can inadvertently develop into an attitude of trying too hard to get it. The intent to have better communication can inadvertently lead to manipulation. If, for instance, your companion is unable or unwilling to communicate better at the present time, any intent on your part to make him improve is apt to be disrespectful and will only make matters worse. Besides, if you push too long or too hard you may end up looking like the one who cannot communicate effectively.

 

Example: Art frequently complained that Vicki was trying to control him. In order to help Art realize she was not trying to control him, Vicki carefully examined every word before she spoke, making sure he could not possibly misinterpret her intentions. She walked on eggs because she tried so hard not to upset him. Despite her best efforts he would still become upset and accuse her of trying to control him. Her resulting frustration led her to try so hard to get him to admit she was not trying to control him that she inadvertently ended up doing the very thing she sincerely wanted to avoid--she tried to control Art.

 

Example: David had the habit of regularly putting his wife down. The harder Wanda tried to get him to treat her more respectfully, the more critical he became. David, too, wanted to be kinder, but often his habit was more powerful than his desire to be gentle. Besides, he viewed some of Wanda's efforts to get him to change as controlling and he was not going to let anyone run his life. I suggested an approach to them that they both accepted that broke the bind they were in. Wanda agreed to stop trying so hard to get him to treat her better. David agreed to give her $1 each time he criticized her without first giving her a genuine compliment. The following week Wanda smiled and said to David, "Why did you have to change your habit so fast? I thought I would get rich."

Even in situations where your companion is not initially as responsive as David is in the previous example, it is still essential to respect his right to communicate ineffectively--even though that certainly is not your preference. It is also essential to respect your right to consider your options and do what you think is best when communication is not going well. For example, you have the right to periodically ask him if he is ready to work toward better communication. Even when he is not yet ready, you can continue hoping he will someday change his mind. In the meantime, remember: You do not have to participate in conversations that violate your rules for effective communication. Rather than trying too hard to get your companion to communicate better there is a lot you can do to give him greater opportunities to do so.

Key point: The attitude or intent underlying your actions is at least as important as your actions.

 

Example: Doug tells his companion he will no longer carry on a conversation while her attention is divided between the magazine and him. Is his motive to get her to put the paper down, or is his motive to simply send her a message indicating what he is or is not willing to do?

Caution: His companion's thinking or interpreting his intentions to be controlling does not necessarily make them so. Only Doug can tell what his underlying intent is. By his actions alone, his intent could only be guessed.

The difference between the intent to get or to give is often subtle. Some emotional clues, however, can help. When your intent is to give, you usually feel calm and comfortable with what you are saying or doing. When your intent is to get, you usually feel agitated, frustrated, irritated, or afraid.

Key point: It is better to give than to get--you cannot always control what you get, but you can control what you give.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

1.  When you are feeling frustrated or irritated with your companion, ask yourself what your intent or motive is for the conversation.

   Ask yourself: "Is my intent to give?" or "Is my intent to get?"

   Notice the differences in the underlying intent in the following statements:

   To Get	To Give
   To get him to listen to reason To get him to admit you are right To get your point across To get him to understand To get him to show some emotion To get him to pay some attention To get him to treat you kindly	To give - or, to share - your thoughts or feelings To give a statement of what your are willing or not willing to do To give him opportunities to share his thoughts or feelings To give your attention To give understanding To give love

    

2. During the next week, observe your motives or intentions as you think about wanting better communication. Notice how you act and feel when you are trying to get him to communicate better.
   1. Key point: Even though your actions may be respectful, if your intent is to get him to change--as opposed to hoping he will change--you are out of line.

    

3. If he is reluctant to communicate at a particular time, remind yourself of an important rule:

    

   "Only talk when both of you want to talk?"

   Reason: If you use a sledge hammer to get information out of him, you are apt to end up with a headache.

   Better: Ask him "Is this a good time to talk?" Or "Do you want to talk?" If he doesn't answer, "Yes," don't push him--try again another time.

   1. Important: Do not think for him. If he does not verbally tell you what he is thinking, do not try to analyze and figure out what is going on in his mind. Even if you usually guess right about what he is thinking, do not assume so until you know for sure. Do not speak for him. Until he is ready to make the effort to explain what he is thinking, do not take that responsibility away by speaking for him.

    

4. When your companion has a wall up, it is easy to get into a habit of analyzing, assuming, or guessing what is going on behind it--not to mention attempting to break through it. Rather than going through such taxing mental gymnastics, simply begin inviting him to come out from behind his wall. Some ways to invite:
   •  
   • When you wish to discuss a sensitive topic, preface the discussion by explaining what you would like to discuss. Then, ask if he would be willing to discuss it. If he declines, at least you have given him something to think about. If he accepts, you have given him a choice and a chance to mentally prepare for a constructive conversation.

      

   • Write a letter. Suggest that he may wish to respond with a letter, too. The reason for this is that some people are more comfortable with written correspondence than verbal communication. I suggest including three parts to a letter:
     1.  
     2. Your appreciation for some of the things he does (or does not do).

         

     3. A few of your concerns about communication.

         

     4. Your hopes for finding ways to communicate better.

      

   • Offer to meet with him for 30 to 45 minutes to discuss a mutually agreed upon topic within the Three Rules for Good Communication (Be Kind, Be Honest, and Have Constructive Intent). Offer to take him out to a movie and dinner with the money you save by not having to pay a marriage counselor.
     • Caution If he is not initially responsive, resist the tendency to give up or blast him. One husband approached his wife almost thirty times before they successfully discussed a particular topic. He showed a tremendous amount of self-discipline, respect, and patience. It finally paid off.