Barrier 6

Making Excuses

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"He can't help it, because . . ."

 

Feelings:

Overly patient, secretly resentful.

 

Actions:

Ignoring or neglecting your own needs.

 

GENERAL INFORMATION

Having compassion for your companion's communication difficulties is highly commendable. If, however, you are making excuses for any behavior outside of the Three Rules for Good Communication or for his avoidance of communication, you are doing him a disservice. How is he going to have a chance to accept responsibility for how he communicates (or does not communicate) when you are making excuses for him? By providing excuses you are tempting him to think you are the problem and are somehow responsible for the solution.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

1.  
2. Think about the various reasons or excuses you give for his poor communication. Make a brief list of situations where you and your companion are having difficulties communicating. Next to each situation, write an excuse for his behavior.

    

3. During the next week, observe the thoughts that tend to go through your mind in response to his undesirable behavior. Notice how quickly and creatively you can justify and excuse his behavior.

    

4. Try an experiment. For one week, whenever you start to think of an excuse, remind yourself he is responsible for his actions.

   Say to yourself: "Regardless of my imperfections and life's challenges, he is responsible for his actions."

    

5. Observe your reactions to the experiment.
   1. Caution: Once you eliminate excuses and recognize his responsibility for his behavior, you may find yourself feeling more frustrated and resentful than before.

      Solution: Focus your attention on what you can control--mainly yourself and your responses--rather than on his difficulties with communicating.

    

6. If he has not yet accepted responsibility for his behavior do not participate in a fruitless debate trying to get him to accept responsibility. Instead, respect his right to have his difficulties, even if he does not realize or admit them. Meanwhile, strive to live up to your standards for good communication.

   Result: You will provide him with the best environment for objectively examining himself and, hopefully, reconsidering his view of how he communicates.