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Barrier 7

Blaming Yourself for Excessive Criticism

 

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:
"Something must be wrong with me."

"He will not talk to me or when he does, he is critical. I must have done something to cause this."

 

Feelings:
Guilty, inadequate, confused.

 

Actions:
Constantly trying to change yourself to satisfy him.

 

GENERAL INFORMATION

Your actions and imperfections are, of course, your responsibility. Even though your actions provide a positive or negative influence, his reactions to you, regardless of whether you are behaving reasonably or not, are first and foremost his responsibility--not yours. No matter how much you improve yourself, it is still up to him to decide whether he wishes to accept the responsibility of looking at himself objectively and making appropriate improvements.

 

Key pointt: The more you blame yourself or think that change on your part will cause him to change, the easier you make it for him to believe you are the problem and he has no part in it.
 
Common question: "How do I know if I am the problem or not?"

 

Answer: You can apply the "Rule of One Hundred." Imagine that one hundred reasonable people witnessed something you or your companion did.


Ask yourself:
"Would one hundred reasonable people judge my behavior or his behavior as reasonable or unreasonable?"

 

Common question: "How do I know if I am behaving in a reasonable manner?"

 

Answer: Your responsibility is to communicate so that a reasonable person has a reasonable chance to understand. It is not your responsibility to make someone understand.

 

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

  1.  
  2. Continue working to improve yourself in a reasonable manner, not because you are responsible for his actions but because you are responsible for your actions.

     

  3. For one week observe how adept you are at blaming yourself and accepting responsibility for how he communicates (or does not communicate).

     

  4. Frequently remind yourself of what you already know: Even if you corrected the main things he gets upset about, there would probably be other things to take their place.

     

  5. When he reacts by refusing to talk or by talking in an unkind way, practice reminding yourself that his behavior (or misbehavior) is his responsibility--not yours.

     


    Say to yourself:
    "His behavior is his choice and responsibility, not mine?"

     

  6. When he behaves in an undesirable manner, do you take it personally by thinking: "He is doing it to me," or "He is doing it because of me"? It is better to simply remind yourself that "he is doing it" period!"

    Example: When Diane had hurt feelings, Tom tended to become quiet and withdrawn. Diane thought, "Whenever I am upset, he will not talk to me."

    Better: "Whenever I am upset, he becomes quiet and withdrawn." Notice how you feel and tend to act when you add the, "To me."

     

  7. If your automatic reaction is to take his comments personally, practice developing a different response:
    •  
    • Take several 3 x 5 cards and write something like:

       


      "His undesirable behavior is simply that - unreasonable - not a personal reflection on me?"

       

    • Place the cards where only you can see them, at least a dozen times a day.

       

    • Whenever you observe unreasonable criticism or avoidance of communication, whether his or someone else's, let your observation serve as a trigger to remind you of what is written on the cards. Say to yourself: "His undesirable behavior is simply that--undesirable--not a personal reflection on me."

    Result:The more often he acts that way the sooner you will stop taking his actions personally.

    Example: Tim was frequently angry about the money Dorothy spent on counseling. One evening, after his latest outburst, Dorothy responded differently. She calmly said, "One thing I got out of all the money I spent is that I now know you are not being rude to me. You are just being plain rude."

    1. Caution: Usually it is better to keep this new insight to yourself, unless of course, you believe it would be helpful for him to know.

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