Barrier 8

Basing Your Security or Happiness on Your Companion

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"How can I feel secure when he spends more time with work, church, or recreation than he does with me?"

"I cannot be happy unless he . . . "

 

Feelings:

Insecure, easily upset.

 

Actions:

Walking on eggs so as not to displease him. Nagging.

 

GENERAL INFORMATION

In a close personal or family relationship the natural inclination toward self-reliance can deteriorate. There can be a tendency for one or both parties to lean a little too much on the other. This can begin a slow, almost imperceptible, erosion of a healthy sense of independence and self-reliance. Without self-reliance, it is difficult to effectively communicate in an independent and intimate manner.

 

Example: Prior to marriage, Dawn was considerate of her family and friends' feelings; nevertheless, she made independent decisions based on what she thought was best. She was successful in several leadership positions at school and at church, where she demonstrated the ability to negotiate and make reasonable decisions even if everyone did not always agree. Yet in marriage she adopted the misguided notion that her happiness and security somehow depended more on her husband than upon herself. Peace at any price became her motto.

 

Result: She became overly hesitant to communicate clearly, and she avoided taking any firm stands. Her ability to confidently discuss issues and to contribute to making mutually agreeable decisions became paralyzed.

Key point: Like two pillars, independently yet jointly supporting a bridge, a healthy relationship is likewise supported by two independent, self-reliant people.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

1.  
2. Ask yourself which is more important: good communication with your companion or managing yourself in a healthy, well-balanced manner. Obviously both are important, but if you put communication ahead of taking care of yourself, you will inadvertently create a barrier to better communication.

    

3. Think of a time in your life when you were particularly independent and self-reliant. You might even write a brief description of a poignant event during that time in your life. For the next month, review and try to relive that event for a few minutes, three times a day. This will encourage you to stand up straight and not lose your balance when he gets off balance or withdrawn.

   Result: As you become more independent and self-reliant, like a pillar of a bridge, you will be in a better position to promote good communication.

    

4. Whenever you observe your companion behaving in a way you do not like, remind yourself that your first priority is to manage your own life in a well-balanced and reasonable way. Although managing yourself better will not cause your companion to communicate better, you will begin to feel better about yourself and create an environment more conducive to good communication.

    

5. When you are frustrated by the lack of good communication, A.C.T.:
   1.  
   2. Acknowledge your feelings and the facts of the situation ("I am feeling frustrated" and "It is the way it is: he is unable or unwilling to communicate any better for the time being.")

       

   3. Consider the available choices. Broaden your range of activities, develop more friends, take a class, exercise, read a book, develop a hobby, or get involved in church or community activities so you are not so dependent on your companion for happiness.

       

   4. Take constructive action.

      Caution: If he decides to communicate better (and hopefully he will), be prepared to reevaluate your schedule of activities to provide enough time to work on improving communication.