In some ways communication is so simple that even children learn without being formally taught. On the other hand I still find that learning to communicate successfully requires regular attention and practice.
Some people were fortunate enough to be raised in families where good communication skills were taught and practiced. To such individuals communication may not seem too difficult because they were taught correct principles and continue practicing them daily. Many others, however, were either not taught, or for some reason did not learn to communicate effectively. Regardless of your upbringing, you could not have made it this far in life without learning to communicate effectively in at least one area or another. Unfortunately, however, effective communication is often least evident where it matters most.
Many good, sensitive, and intelligent people communicate well in professional or social situations, but not in intimate personal relationships. Such individuals may be puzzled why they can communicate so well with people they do not care so much about, but not with those they love. One woman could not comprehend how her husband could be a great business leader and yet be unable to communicate with her or with their children. This woman, usually patient and understanding with others, became easily hurt or angry with her husband, making communication even more difficult.
Many people do not realize there are two versions of any given language: one used in non-intimate settings, such as work and social, and the other used in intimate, personal settings such as family. A highly skilled engineer, for example, may be fluent in non-intimate, technical communication, yet inexperienced and unskilled in intimate family communication. Or, a person highly skilled in intimate communication, may struggle with anything that seems technical.
Usually, those with communication difficulties have sincerely tried, at least on occasion, to share their feelings in a sensitive and understanding manner. However, when they failed and experienced more pain, rejection, and misunderstanding, they understandably began avoiding intimate communication. They simply put up a wall or turned themselves off emotionally. As a result, barriers developed that interfered with communication where it matters most.
If you have not yet learned to communicate in intimate relationships, there is hope. Fortunately, the principles of good communication are the same whether in a business, social, or personal situation. You can learn to identify and apply those communication principles successfully used in other areas of your life to an intimate relationship. Then, the communication skills developed and utilized elsewhere will begin to surface and grow where they effect your life most.
Suggestion: If your companion is willing, try reading this chapter out loud together. Each time you finish reading a portion, decide what specific actions you would like to take to improve the way you communicate.
One of the most important aspects of human relationships is the ability to communicate ideas and feelings in a clear and effective manner. Learning to communicate effectively is an essential ingredient in a healthy relationship whether with family, friends, or business associates. Unfortunately, sometimes people attempt or even force communication in circumstances unlikely to be successful. How well can you carry on a good discussion, for example, if the other person is being unkind, not completely open, or is dishonest? It is highly unlikely communication will be successful under such circumstances, and it may even be harmful. In order to promote good communication three rules are recommended:
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All three rules, not just one or two, are essential for good communication. To be kind without also being straightforward and honest would be of little value; and to be honest without being kind could be brutal. Likewise, if your intentions are not constructive but appear to be kind and honest, good communication will not be promoted. These three rules are simple and obvious but can be difficult to adhere to under stressful circumstances.
By following these rules a bridge of trust is built between you and your companion. A safe, fertile, and trusting environment is established where problems can be resolved and closeness fostered. Arguments become a thing of the past as you learn to disagree without being disagreeable. Misunderstandings do not degenerate into arguments because conversations are politely postponed when one or more of the Three Rules are continually violated.
As you and your companion agree to and apply the Three Rules, you are taking giant steps toward building a strong, trusting relationship. Sometimes, however, one of you may agree in principle, but find it difficult to follow through in practice.
Caution: If only one person is applying the Three Rules, he may be falsely accused of refusing to communicate or of attempting to control the relationship.
When there is disagreement over the Three Rules, whether in principle or practice, it is important to realize you have certain rights, independent of what anyone else thinks. You have the right to determine the conditions under which you are willing to carry on a conversation. You can decide, for example, to only participate in conversations where the Three Rules are kept. You do not, however, have the right to force another person to adhere to the same rules. If someone wishes to violate the Three Rules, that is his right, but he does not have the right to force you to participate. When the Three Rules are violated you have the right to kindly postpone the conversation, even leave the room if necessary, regardless of what the other person thinks.
Until two people can agree and generally abide by the same set of rules for communication, there is little chance they will communicate effectively. Some people have become so accustomed to violating one or more of the Three Rules, that adhering to them can feel restrictive at first. In fact, it is not uncommon for a couple to be concerned that if they follow the Three Rules they may hardly ever talk.
Key point: It is much better, at first, to talk successfully less often, than to continue talking ineffectively more often.
Despite the best intentions of sensitive and responsible people, violating one or more of the Three Rules is easy. Certain things your companion says or does--often innocently--can hook and pull you out-of- bounds before you know it. Some of these hooks are so alluring they almost seem irresistible.
Example: When Dale yelled at Janice for not picking up the clothes he left on the floor, she politely told him she would discuss the matter if he would talk nicely--within the Three Rules. When he continued to yell and blame, she started to leave the room. Then came the hook: "There you go again, running away from responsibility. You know you are wrong, so you refuse to discuss it." Janice suddenly turned and jumped right back into a lose-lose argument.
Besides obvious verbal hooks, there are also non-verbal behaviors that can hook you into ineffective communication (rolling the eyes back, frowning, or long periods of silence). By identifying hooks ahead of time, you can recognize them for what they are and then eliminate or safely avoid them.
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Verbal hooks |
Non-verbal hooks |
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If you really loved me... |
Eyes rolled back |
If you decide to adhere to the Three Rules and find yourself having difficulty, here is a suggestion. Make a list of things your companion says or does that tend to hook you into conversations you know are not constructive. See the list of Common Hooks above.
Be patient! If you have had a lot of practice getting hooked, it will take some time to learn to resist the temptation. One client found it helpful to create a visual image of a sugar-coated hook dangling from the end of his wife's tongue. Just the thought made him laugh. (Even though he enjoyed the picture, I suggested he restrain himself from laughing when his wife was upset.)
With practice anyone can learn to communicate within the Three Rules for Good Communication, and knowing these rules will help in identifying and removing the barriers to effective communication.
Nine common barriers interfere with overcoming communication difficulties. By identifying and removing barriers, you will be in a better position to practice and develop the kind of communication skills you desire.
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