Barrier 1

Lack of Real or Perceived Commitment

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"Does he love me?"

"He cares more about . . . than he cares about me."

 

Feelings:

Anxious, insecure.

 

Actions:

Spending less and less time doing positive things together.

GENERAL INFORMATION

If intimacy means that two people love each other and are committed and that one person's commitment is questionable, the meaning of sexual behavior can be confusing. One partner may be left wondering if sex means anything beyond the pleasure of the moment to the other partner. Confusion usually leads to misunderstanding and hurt feelings, creating an environment that is not conducive to intimacy.

Although sexual difficulty or dissatisfaction does not always suggest a lack of commitment, a lack of commitment is usually accompanied by sexual difficulty, if not in the beginning, then later on in the relationship.

Key point: A common underlying cause of sexual dissatisfaction is a real or perceived lack of commitment.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

1.  
2. Decide you are willing to honestly evaluate how committed you are to your spouse, as compared to other relationships or activities. Reason: Some people are more committed than they think or communicate, while others are less committed. Only you can objectively and completely evaluate your degree of commitment.

   Myth: Commitment means you are irrevocably trapped.

   Fact: Entering into a commitment and remaining committed is a choice that you, and you alone, control.

    

3. List your priorities in life as they currently stand, not as you might think they should stand (self, God, marriage, work, etc.). A common mistake is forgetting to place yourself on your priority list.
   1. Key Point: If you neglect your own personal welfare, even for the sake of your marriage, you will not be at your best.

    

4. Consider the following questions designed to assist you in evaluating how committed you are to your spouse:
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   • Do you generally prefer to be with your spouse or with work, children, friends, recreation, yourself, etc.?

      

   • Do you consider your marriage to be your most important relationship, other than your relationship with the Lord and with yourself?

      

   • Do your actions suggest you are committed to your spouse?

   Myth: Commitment means you always feel loving toward your spouse and do what he wants you to do.

   Fact: Feelings, like the waves of the sea, are constantly rising and falling. A commitment is more than how you feel. The root of a commitment is a decision you make in your mind, that when acted upon bears fruit in the form of your actions. It is something special that is within you.

    

5. Reevaluate your priorities. Make sure you continue doing important nonmarital things, while at the same time, putting your marriage ahead of work, children, friends, recreation, T.V., hobbies, or anything else. Then, if needed, make the most powerful and important marital decision possible: decide to put your marriage first.
   1. Trap: Trying to make your spouse believe you are committed. Reason: Like the root of a tree, your decision to be committed to your spouse is beneath the surface, within the private confines of your mind. It cannot be seen by another person with absolute certainty.

      Avoid the trap: Let your actions, more than your words, be seen as the evidence or fruit of your commitment. Act out your commitment by spending quality time with your companion, keeping your word, even when it is inconvenient, etc.

      Caution: If your spouse feels hurt or mistrust, it may take him weeks or months to see and taste the fruit of your commitment. Be patient.

   Myth: Commitment means your spouse feels you are committed.

   Fact: You and you alone--not anyone else--can determine if you are committed, and if so, to what extent. Ironically, your spouse may feel you are committed, when in fact, you are not--or vice versa.

    

6. Discuss with your spouse how committed you are to each other.

    

7. To reaffirm and strengthen your commitment: place your companion's picture where you can see it daily. Whenever you are involved with someone or something that once was, or could become, more important than your spouse,

   Say to yourself: "My marriage is more important to me than..."

   Communicate your commitment by telling your spouse daily, if possible, that you love him and that he is more important to you than anyone or anything else, even if he does not fully believe you at first.

   Discuss with your spouse the types of words and behaviors that mean commitment and love to both of you. A common mistake is that you do something that means commitment to you such as bringing home a paycheck or making a meal, and your spouse does not attach the same meaning to what you did. This results in misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

   1. Caution: Participating in sexual intimacy prior to both of you being committed may interfere with the progress of the relationship, as well as cause unnecessary pain or sexual dissatisfaction, or both.