Barrier 2

Trying to Control Emotions

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"A mature adult is one who controls his emotions. If I don't control my feelings, I may do something I'll regret. I must be careful or I'll get hurt."

 

Feelings:

Afraid of being hurt, losing control, or doing something unreasonable. Feeling numb.

 

Actions:

Appearing unusually calm, strong, quiet, stable, or unemotional. Rarely talking about feelings.

GENERAL INFORMATION

Nobody wants to feel frightened, insecure, or hurt--especially when it comes to intimacy. Rather than risk being hurt, some people--whether consciously or unconsciously--decide not to let themselves get close. In a misguided attempt to control emotion, some people become emotionally and sexually numb; others go through the physical motions of sex without feeling loving and intimate.

Paradoxically, the more you focus on your feelings or avoid them, the less able you are to enjoy intimacy. By permitting yourself to fully experience waves of emotion, whether pleasant or not, without any form of tampering, you are better able to learn to swim in the exciting and sometimes turbulent waters of love.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

1.  
2. Notice times you experienced emotion without trying to control it. Especially think of times with your spouse when you were not so concerned about controlling emotion or about losing control (maybe when you played tennis, kissed good-bye, hugged, or participated in an intimate conversation).
   1. Caution: This does not refer to times you were thinking irrationally or behaving irresponsibly. Such thoughts or behavior, obviously, invite your attention and self-control.

   Example: At a restaurant with your spouse, you allowed yourself to feel anticipation and excitement about the meal, or even disappointment or frustration, without being unduly hurt or acting irresponsibly. How did you do it? You probably did not think you were "losing control." Why not?

   1. Key Point: When you feel good, you usually do not try to control your feelings (I am referring to your internal feelings here, not your external behavior). You have learned by experience that controlling the thoughts and behavior that bring about the good feelings, rather than trying to control the feelings themselves, allows you to generally feel better and for a longer period of time. (Too many people get into denial and stuff their feelings when they try to ignore, fight, or control how they feel.)

    

3. Try an experiment. The next time you are feeling really good, focus on how you are feeling and try as hard as you can to control it. Try to hold on to the feeling so it does not escape you. Notice how the harder you try to directly control emotion, the worse you tend to feel.

    

4. Try another experiment. Select a time with your spouse when you can participate in some mutually agreeable sexual activity during which you tend to feel a little uncomfortable. In a gentle and loving way begin the activity. Instead of trying to control your emotions (trying to fight or change how you feel), monitor them on a scale of one to ten with ten being the most uncomfortable you have ever felt and one being the absence of any significant discomfort.

   Notice how the feelings of discomfort tend to subside as you acknowledge, rather than fight them. Repeat the experiment on several occasions, if necessary, until you can accept rather than resist any uncomfortable feelings.

   1. Caution: Since this is an emotional experiment, do not judge your sexual performance. Just observe your emotions and reactions.

    

5. For one week, whether during intimacy or your regular activities, rather than trying to control your emotions, try taking the following actions:
   •  
   • Give yourself permission to fully experience your emotions whether pleasant or unpleasant.

     Say to yourself: "It's more important to control my thoughts and actions than my emotions."

      

   • Acknowledge and accept the existence of your emotions as you would acknowledge fluctuations of your automobile's instruments.

      

   • Use your emotions as a key to provide valuable information about yourself and ways you can improve.

      

   • Share your feelings within the Three Rules for Good Communication (Be Kind, Be Honest, and Have Constructive Intent).