Barrier 3

Fear of Failure

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"I've got to do it right this time. But what if I can't?"

 

Feelings:

Anxiety, nervousness, fear, discouragement, depression, apathy.

 

Actions:

Trying too hard or avoiding trying.

GENERAL INFORMATION

One of the greatest lectures on sexual difficulties was given by Franklin D. Roosevelt: "You have nothing to fear but fear itself." Fear of failure itself "interFEARS" with learning and enjoyment. Most people have more trouble being "at their best" when under pressure to perform. Even those who seem to do well under pressure do not usually handle intimacy very well if they are afraid of failing.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

1.  
2. Think of and discuss times when you were not afraid of failing (sexually or nonsexually). What was different about those times? Especially note what was different during the nonsexual times when you were relaxed and having a good time together.

    

3. Place the sexual difficulty, which may initially appear large and overwhelming, into a context and perspective that will render it more manageable by taking the following actions:

   Ask yourself: "Is the relationship itself or my sexual performance more important?"

   1. Key Point: For a healthy, long-lasting relationship, it is essential that individuals consider their overall relationship as more important than any single aspect of the relationship.
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   • Whenever you think about intimacy not going as well as you would like, remind yourself and your partner that your love for each other is more important than the present concern.

      

   • Imagine that you or your spouse have a medical problem interfering with or preventing sexual satisfaction. Would you still love him? Discuss why you love each other through storms of medical problems or even sexual difficulties. When sex is not the most important part of the relationship, sexual difficulties are more readily resolved because they are more of a discomfort or inconvenience than a problem to be feared.

      

   • Notice some of the things each of you do to show the relationship is more important than sexual performance. For example, you may verbally reassure each other that this difficulty is small compared to your love and commitment to each other. You may also convey your love by continuing to enjoy doing a variety of things together, as well as simply being kind and respectful to each other, even though sexual activity is not yet as good as you would like.

    

4. Redefine the meaning of success and failure in a way to encourage success and discourage the likelihood of failure, by taking the following actions:
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   • Divide success in intimacy into two categories--primary and secondary success:

     Primary Success: That which is essential for building a great relationship (love, commitment, giving and receiving nonsexual affection, willingness to work together to solve any marital difficulties).

     Secondary Success: That which is desirable, like the frosting on a cake, though less important than the cake itself (erection, orgasm, having the kinds of feelings during intimacy you prefer, etc.).

     • Caution: Since secondary success cannot be as directly or immediately controlled as primary success, trying too hard to obtain secondary success actually interferes with achieving it.

      

   • Draw a vertical line down the center of a piece of paper. Write Primary Success on the top of one side of the line and Secondary Success on the top of the other side. Privately consider factors pertaining to overall intimacy as well as sexual intimacy and place them in either the Primary or Secondary Success category.

      

   • Before you share your paper with your spouse, agree with each other that although secondary success is important, primary success is even more important and will generally precede secondary success. Also, agree that failure will only occur when someone permanently gives up hope and stops trying. Then respectfully and honestly share and discuss your paper.
     • Key Point: By placing primary success first, you build the foundation from which you can learn to achieve secondary success without the interference of fear.

      

   • Practice focusing more of your attention and efforts on what you define as your primary success. As your primary successes increase in quantity and quality, there is greater likelihood of secondary success.

    

5. Utilize fear to help build a better and more loving relationship, by taking the following actions:
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   • Think about what you are specifically afraid of failing to achieve during intimacy (such as erection, orgasm, or having the kinds of feelings you prefer).

      

   • Whenever you think of or experience something you used to fear, or consider a failure, connect it with something positive. For instance, if orgasm does not occur, give each other a reward for trying and for achieving some primary success.

     Examples:

      

     Give a back rub, listen to some favorite music, spend time talking about something light, plan a night out, etc.). Result: Instead of resisting the fear, inadvertently making things worse, you are using it to help strengthen your relationship.

      

   • Notice and discuss how much love and effort was shown by each person in the process of giving and receiving love, regardless of the results. Afterwards, you can strengthen and reinforce the foundation of the relationship by saying something nice, giving a hug, or sending a little note of thanks.

      

   • Allow yourself to ride out the wave of fear, knowing that in time it will pass. Meanwhile, give each other extra consideration and reassurance. Do not fight or resist the fear.