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Barrier 5

Missing Ingredient(s) in the Relationship

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:
"Something is missing in our relationship. If things were going better sexually, everything else would be fine."
Feelings:
Tension, hurt, numbness, etc.
Actions:
Over involvement in one area of life (sex, work, children, recreation, hobbies, etc.).

GENERAL INFORMATION

If an essential ingredient is missing in a marriage, the delicate balance between psychological, physiological, emotional, and spiritual factors necessary for sexual intimacy will be disrupted. Sexual difficulties can be a healthy warning signal that something in the relationship requires attention and correction before satisfactory intimacy can be resumed or obtained.

 

 
Interesting Note: Approximately 90% of sexual problems clear up spontaneously when missing personal or marital ingredients are taken care of.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

  1.  
  2. Make a list of the satisfactory aspects of your marriage.
  3. Examine your list to see if you are missing anything you would consider absolutely essential for a good marriage. Examples: Respect, kindness, commitment, communication, responsibility, hygiene, problem solving skills.
    1. Caution: Having some sexual difficulty does not necessarily mean an essential ingredient is missing. If you do not find any missing ingredients, see other barriers.
  4. If you do find a missing ingredient, ask yourself some important questions. Do you really consider that ingredient to be an absolute necessity for you to have a good marriage or are you willing to learn to get along without it?
    1. Key Point: If you consider a particular ingredient an essential requirement for your marriage, it must be corrected before sexual intimacy can be mutually satisfactory.
  5. Utilize sexual difficulty as a healthy warning signal reminding you to examine yourself and the relationship, looking for essential areas in which to make corrections or improvements.
    1. Caution: Ongoing sexual activity or disagreements about sexual matters can unintentionally prevent the identification and correction of missing marital ingredients.
  6. If, for some reason, you feel obligated to make love, consider whether you can honestly and sincerely do so as long as that important ingredient is missing.

    Ask yourself:
    "How long can you continue to make love out of obligation and still respect yourself and your spouse?"
  7. Decide that adding the essential missing ingredient is more basic and important to your marriage than the current sexual concerns. Agree with your spouse that both of you will initially work harder on providing the missing ingredient than on trying to correct the sexual difficulties.
  8. If, however, he insists on continuing sexual activity without acknowledging and working on providing the missing ingredient(s), you have an important decision to make. Do you wish to participate in frosting the cake while a basic essential ingredient is missing?
  9. If you decide to temporarily postpone sexual activities until progress is made in working toward providing the missing ingredient(s), write a brief note to your spouse. Include:
    •  
    • What you appreciate about your spouse.
    • Your concern about the missing ingredient(s).
    • Your specific hopes for a better relationship.
    • What actions you are currently going to take.
    1. Caution: If your intent is genuinely respectful and constructive, as opposed to manipulative, you can proceed, even if your spouse does not understand at first. However, if your intent is to postpone sex to get your spouse to make some changes, you are out of line. Your intent, as much as your actions, determines whether you are being respectful and constructive or whether you are being manipulative.
  10. Frequently reassure your spouse of your love and of your desire to strengthen and build the relationship. Repeatedly let him know you expect the sexual difficulties will be resolved after taking care of the missing ingredient(s).

    Reason: When one person makes a change in sexual behavior, it is very easy for the other person to interpret the change as being manipulative, even if it is not, or to misunderstand the message and think he is not worthwhile or lovable.

  11. If, however, after a few weeks you and your spouse are not working together or making progress, consider seeking professional help. (See How To Select A Therapist.)

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