Sex is easy. It is instinctive and generally pleasurable for all living species. People throughout the world, for thousands of years and without the "benefit" of sex manuals or therapists, have successfully reproduced.
Your overall relationship with your spouse can be compared to a beautiful cake with sexual intimacy being the frosting on the cake. If after preparing the ingredients for a cake, you realize you are out of sugar, there are several options. You could go ahead and bake the cake anyway, later on trying to make up for the lack of sweetness by applying extra frosting. Although that might create the appearance of a great cake, it would lack in substance and satisfaction. Or, better yet, you could take the more time consuming and difficult course of first doing whatever it takes to provide all of the essential ingredients.
Key Point: If a marriage is lacking an essential ingredient, focusing on sexual performance alone will not produce a satisfactory outcome.
Whereas sex is easy, developing a loving, intimate relationship based on respect, communication, unselfishness, self-control, etc., takes a powerful commitment and a lot of hard work and patience. As two people develop such a relationship, they find there are many intimate, personal ways to express their love. Sexual activity is just one such way to convey love.
Many people think of intimacy as mainly referring to sexual activity. Although intimacy may include sexual activity, intimacy itself is much larger and more important than sexual activity. Intimacy includes all the essential aspects of the relationship (love, respect, commitment, communication, kindness, unselfishness, emotional and physical closeness). Even the more physical part of intimacy includes many intimate aspects that are not sexual (sitting next to each other, giving a loving touch, holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling). Paradoxically, when sex takes on greater significance than other essential aspects of marriage, unsatisfactory intimacy is often the result.
Sex, without intimacy, is shallow and only briefly satisfying. When sex does not mean anything more than passing passion or physical pleasure, it tends to become progressively less satisfying. Some people become less interested, while others seek more sex or different types of stimulation in order to feel satisfied. Yet they find nothing but dissatisfaction.
Key Point: Overall intimacy is essential in order for sexual intimacy to be fully enjoyed.
When people experience sexual difficulties, they often incorrectly assume that the root of the difficulty is sexual. Result: Over-emphasis on one aspect of the relationship, excessive blame, self-doubt, frustration, resentment, and worst of all, overlooking the areas where the solutions are often found. The sexual difficulties of about 90% of the people who come to my office, for example, are resolved without focusing on the sexual problem itself. Instead, when couples focus on identifying and providing the essential ingredient(s) often lacking in the overall relationship, intimacy in general usually improves. In time, sexual intimacy becomes more enjoyable as well.
Key Point: By placing more importance and attention on improving the overall relationship, sexual intimacy naturally tends to improve.
The central feature of intimacy, whether it be sexual intimacy or not, is commitment. Commitment is another word for love. When two people make a commitment to each other, along with common goals, values, respect, and friendship they have the foundation for building a great relationship. The root of lasting, secure love is the commitment two people make to each other. Whereas the feelings of love rise and fall like the tide of the sea, commitment is like a solid rock basking in the sunshine, even withstanding the pounding of crashing waves.
Key Point: Feelings of love usually accompany commitment, but commitment does not necessarily accompany feelings of love.
Intimacy can be expressed and shared in a tender, meaningful and lasting manner without sex. I have seen a loving husband wheel his severely brain-damaged wife into church, tenderly holding her unresponsive hand throughout the entire meeting. I have seen a wife whose husband was rapidly failing with Alzheimer's disease, lovingly reminding him of his name. Such examples of intimacy, built over the years on a foundation of commitment and love are more solid than any emotion or passing passion could ever be.
The love and commitment a
husband and wife have for each other can also be intimately expressed
in a sexual way. Sexual intimacy, in addition to being the means of
bringing children into the world, then becomes an important and
enjoyable symbol of their commitment and love. As two people learn to
become increasingly intimate in their overall relationship, not just
in bed, their love will grow, as will their ability to enjoy a deeper
and more lasting form of sexual intimacy.There are seven common
barriers that can interfere with resolving unsatisfactory intimacy.
By identifying and removing the barriers getting in your way, you
will be in a better position to work toward achieving the quality of
intimacy you desire.
Barrier 1: Lack of real or perceived commitment
Barrier 2: Trying to control emotion
Barrier 3: Fear of failure
Barrier 4: Attaching undue meaning to sexual activity or performance
Barrier 5: Missing ingredient(s) in the relationship
Barrier 6: Basing your security or happiness on your spouse
Barrier 7: Too busy, too tired, or just not interested in physical intimacy
Summary
GO TO:
Barrier
1: Lack of real or perceived commitment
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