Dear Reader,

I look forward to your questions each week and will try to answer as many as possible. I hope that you find this column enjoyable and useful by seeing that we all share similar strengths, weaknesses and hopes and that there are simple principles that can be learned and practiced that produce great results. In order to protect privacy, I avoid even using first names.

Best Wishes,

John

Issues addressed in this column:

Intimacy 28. No sex for years 24. How to remain a virgin 23. Aphrodisiacs 22. Do differences interfer with intimacy 21. Obeisity and a lack of interest in sex 20. Purpose of sex 18. Fear of intimacy 14. Sexual performance difficulties 13. Sexual abuse and a lack of interest in sex 9. Impotence and medication 8. Difficulty maintaining an erection 7. Fear of sexual intimacy Depression 25. Depressed 16 year-old son 19. Antidepressants 17. Depression and sleep 16. Depression and divorce 12. Depressed about husbands lack of attention 11. Depression without hope 4. Lack of sexual intimacy Communication 3. Can't communicate with spouse 27. Uncommunicative companion Anxiety 2. Sense of inadequacy 1. Obsessing about someone at work Relationships 10. Considering divorce 6. Should I continue in this relationship? 15. Infidelity: Is it possible to build trust and intimacy afterwards? Miscellaneous 5. Traumatic memories 26. Can't stop cutting self

QUESTION 28: My wife had an affair three years ago. We have not had sex in two years. We get along very well, but that's it. Help.

ANSWER - Sexual intimacy is an important part of a healthy marital relationship. No sex in two years suggests something important is missing, if not seriously wrong. If you both love each other and get along well, I would view the lack of sexual intimacy as an indicator that one of you, probably both of you, are hurting about something. What is it? Without blaming your wife, share with her how this is affecting you, what it means to you (about you and about her), and what you want. Ask her to do the same. If she is willing to share her thoughts and feelings with you, listen carefully and ask questions to learn more and to discover if you are correctly understanding her. She might be feeling guilty and unworthy to be intimate with you.

QUESTION 27: I have been dating a single mother, 32 years old, for about 3 months. I am very expressive in my feelings, but she does not communicate hers to me. Is she just taking her time to evaluate me as a person?

ANSWER: If you are expressing a lot more feeling, in word or deed, than your friend, you may be knocking the relationship off balance. She may feel pressured to respond in kind, although not yet ready. If so, she may be responding to pressure or a sense of inadequacy, rather than her true feelings for you. As two people become acquainted there is a certain balance to the process that is best to be maintained. Developing closeness in a relationship can be compared to riding a teeter-tooter. If one of you scoots in too close, the other will be left up in the air. Monitor how much of the following you do compared to what she does (or is comfortable with): talking in general, sharing or requesting personal information, touching, and spending time together. Then, strike a better balance.

ANSWER: Sometimes when a person becomes numb with depression or loneliness, and does not know what else to do, a type of private shock therapy may be employed. This can be very dangerous. I suspect that part of you wants very badly to feel again, while another part of you, for some reason or another, is unwilling. Please seek professional help.

ANSWER &endash; I would expect someone who is doing what you describe would most likely be depressed. Unfortunately, there seems to be a tendency today to talk about how depression causes negative behavior. That perspective can lead to depression being viewed as responsible for one's actions. The person may not expect himself, or be expected to, act more positively and responsibly until he feels better. The more a person focuses on feelings, the worse he often feels. It would be better for him to strive to DO better, rather than focusing so much on FEELING better or, escaping from feeling badly. First, consider the 3 Pillars of Physical Health: 1) Is he getting 8-9 hours of sleep each night; 2) Is he eating three, nutritious meals a day; and 3) Is he getting 30 minutes a day of exercise? If there is any deficiency in the 3 Pillars (that alone can cause depression), focus on correcting that right away. Then, make sure that you are not doing anything to make it easy or comfortable for him to be alone, not drive, not study, etc. You may want to limit his time in bed, for example, from 11 pm to 7 am. Likewise, his use of T.V., video games, or stereo, might be limited to certain times, and then only after he has done something constructive socially, academically, or regarding work. Remember, you cannot control how he feels.

ANSWER - I commend and support you in your stand to remain a virgin until marriage. As far as what to do, I have 3 suggestions: 1) Stop "fooling" around (if want to draw the line at kissing for just a few seconds and no touching in sexually sensitive areas, you won't have to worry about having sex), 2) stop trying to reason with or convince him to accept your standards (if he truly respects you and has some self-control, he will honor your wishes, whether or not he agrees), and 3) find things you can do together that you both enjoy, especially with others, that don't place you alone in tempting situations. If you and/or he choose not to do these 3 things, you will most likely end up having sex. You may find yourself in the difficult position of deciding whether to violate your personal standards or end the relationship.

ANSWER - You already have a sex drive and don't need a drug to create or stimulate it, even if one existed. If you are not feeling any sexual desire, then something is blocking it. It would be better to identify the barriers and remove them. Possibilities: poor health, depression, fear, unloving relationship, etc.

ANSWER - There are many ways to increase intimacy and they must be mutually meaningful and agreeable. If something is intimate to you and not to him, then that is not a way of intimacy for the TWO of you, and vice versa. A relationship without boundaries would be a relatinship withou individual identities and, in time, would become emeshed and dissatisfying. Learn to enjoy each others uniquie individuality. More specifically, respect his privacy and don't interpret it as being some form of rejection or distance between the two of you. See Chapter on Communication

ANSWER - If you do the normal and natural thing, that is assume that his lack of interest is a personal thing about or against you, you will become hurt and/or angry. Your response will then be to push him away even further. It would be better to assume that what he's doing or not doing is more about him that you. I don't mean to suggest that you have no room for improvement, only that it would be better for you to not take this personally. Sex is a poor measure of how much someone loves and needs you. Having an affair will only make things worse for you, your husband, and your child. Please don't do that.

There can be many reasons for a lack of sexual intimacy in an otherwise loving marriage. Here are just three: 1) depending on the distribution of your husband's weight and his physical condition, sex may be ver difficult and uncomfortable for him to participate in, despite his love for you; 2) his experiences and attitudes towards sex may be inaccurate and/or counterproductive; and 3) there may be other problems within either of you and/or your relationship that are interferring with satisfactory sexual intimacy. A good 90% of the couples tht I have treated for sexual problems had non-sexual roots to the problem. By identifying and clearing up the non-sexual issues the sexual problems are usually diminished or resolved.

Assuming you've gone through the secion of my book entitled, Unsatisfactory Intimacy, and tried to apply the appropriate suggestions, without success, I would suggest you consider obtaining professional help. Even if onlyi one of you is willing to see a therapist at first, a great deal may be done.

ANSWER - Sex has two main purposes, one of which you already understand. The other purpose is to provide a way for a loving husband and wife to express their love and bring them closer together. There can be many reasons why sex is not enjoyable. There are some good books available on the subject. Check your bookstore. Have you read my section on Unsatisfactory Intimacy? Perhaps you could tell your hasband what would make it more enjoyable for you. Experiment. Have you ever learned to eat and eventually enjoy some food that you initially found distasteful? Take small bites and combine with other food you enjoy. I went from drinking whole milk, to 2%, to 1% and finally to non-fat over a period of a few years. It can be done with patience and persistence.

ANSWER - If the medication is designed to affect serotonin, like Prozac, Zoloft, or Paxl, it usually takes 2 to 6 weeks to take full effect. If you are adjusting medication levels or wanting to go off, please consult with your prescribing physician. I hope you are receiving therapy along with the medication.

ANSWER &endash; Intimacy can be learned, just as a person can learn to swim and feel safe in water. If he was afraid of water and wanted to overcome such a fear, what could he do? He could break the task down to bite-sized chunks: e.g., sit by the side of the pool with his feet in the water; sit on the first step, etc. Having a swimming instructor who was not emotionally involved could also help. At each step, he could 1) make sure he is breathing comfortably (people tend to hold there breath when they are afraid and that produces more tension or fear), 2) reassure himself that he is O.K., and 3) watch for and correct any negative thoughts. See if that gives you any ideas. Also, I would suggest he begin keeping a journal of his personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Then, see if he would be willing set a limited amount of time, such as 5-10 minutes each day to share with you. Eventually, you could add some specific, limited touching, such as holding hands or hugging, while he is sharing. See Chapter, Unsatisfactory Intimacy.

ANSWER - I don't know of any research about work shifts and depression, though there probably are some. The symptoms you described could be related to insuffient sleep. I would encourage you to set a regular time to go to bed and to get up regardless of whether you are able to sleep during the entire time. I would expect that in time you will be able to adjust. Some people have found success taking Melatonin when having difficulty adjusting to changing sleep times due jet lag. Check with your doctor. See Chapter on Depression.

ANSWER - Congratulations on successfully traveling through some rough terrain. Focusing on trying to feel happy, let alone fighting with your self to feel happy often contributes to unhappiness. Then, when you don't feel any happier there is a tendency to feel unhappy about not feeling happy. You might consider focusing less on your happiness, even stopping the affirmations, and instead, doing more of the things that you value and strive to keep your life in balance. If you're still having difficulty, I would suggest you see a therapist. You might also consider the herb, St. John's Wart. Talk with you doctor.

ANSWER - The violation of sacred marital commitments (covenants) is a betrayal of love and trust that wounds the other person so deeply as to cut to the very soul. The pain is physical, emotional, and spiritual. The sense of loss approaches that of death and, in some ways, is even worse. In 24 years of practice, however, I have only seen one case where adultery was the deciding factor in a divorce. In every other case, and there have been many, the couple have continued on in the relationship, making repairs as best they could, or they used the crisis as a stepping stone to better themselves and their relationship.

No progress can be made, of course, unless all personal contact and involvement is ended with the other person and the spouse who stepped out must accept 100% responsibility for his or her actions. Even if the "innocent" spouse has contributed to marital problems, even in a major way, and has significant areas to improve, she or he did in NO WAY cause, force, or make the choices and actions that led to the infidelity. The answer to your question is a definite, "Yes." You might want to check out Vaughn's web site which is designed to help people put their marriages back together after an affair.

ANSWER - Willie Mays, the Hall of Fame baseball player, and one of the greatest hitters ever, was in a terrible hitting slump. He did everything he could think of to get out of it. He increased his concentration, attention, and tried harder. As his initial efforts failed, he tried even harder. He thought more and more about why he was not hitting the ball consistently. He repeatedly asked himself what he was doing wrong. I suspect that after awhile he even tried hard NOT to think about IT. Guess what he was still thinking about.

He then tried something that was not too well known at the time. He obtained film taken of him when he was hitting his very best. He began looking at and thinking about what he was doing when he was successful. Rather than focusing on and analyzing his weaknesses, he studied his strengths. He discovered that he already knew how to hit the ball quite well. As the need to try harder subsided, he relaxed, thought about it less, and responded more naturally, hitting the ball harder and more consistently.

I don't know all of the reasons or the actual nature of your "difficulty," but I can assure you that the only ones who consistently procreate without any problems are animals. They just respond to physical instinct. There is no emotion or thought involved and a very limited relationship, if any at all. They don't make love; they mate in season. See Chapter, Unsatisfactory Intimacy.

I can understand you discomfort about seeing someone about something so personal. I can assure you, however, any doctor or therapist you might contact would be very understanding and would quickly put you at ease. You might consider talking with an experienced professional over the phone rather in person. Sometimes that is a little easier. See the answers to question 8 and 9.

ANSWER - You hit the nail on the head when you said, "I don't understand." I suspect your husband also feels that you do not understand. What effect do you think that has on him? Rather than primarily focusing on trying to get the problem solved, I would suggest that you reassure you husband of your deep and abiding love. Then, seek to understand what he is thinking and feeling. Is he afraid of something (getting hurt, losing control, disappointing you, failing, losing the marriage, etc.). When someone is afraid or nervous they sometimes react defensively by not caring about, or by avoiding, the thing they are uncomfortable with. Try to remember that your husband's actions are more about him than they are about you. See the Communication Chapter, Barrier 5, Trying to Get Your Companion to Communicate Better.

ANSWER - It sounds like you are making several assumptions based on some facts. Be careful. You know what it means to assume? You make an "ASS out of U and ME." One result of your assumptions is that you are depressing. How does that affect your husband? Diminished frequency of love making can be caused by a myriad of things that have nothing to do with how much two people love each other: for example, stress, fatigue, health, emotional problems, etc. Four suggestions: 1) focus more on doing meaningful things on your own, 2) support your husband in doing things on his own, 3) do some regular, enjoyable things together (eg, weekly date, daily walk, talk for at least 20 minutes each day, and 4) notice the positive in your husband and show appreciation for that.

Here's something else to consider. Relationships go through stages. The first stage is the romantic, bonding time when each person's identity and individuality take a back seat to the unfolding relationship. Differences are minimized and similarities are emphasized. Most, if not all, of each person's attention and feelings are on the other. The second stage is where each person's individuality re-emerges, including differences in interests, preferences, ideas, ways of doing things, etc. Rather than seeking to understand, appreciate, and negotiate these differences people sometimes try to return to the first stage of the relationship: 1) by hiding or denying the differences and by avoiding conflict; and/or, 2) by demanding agreement and sameness that is characterizing by fighting or withdrawing (depressing is one way of withdrawing). The third stage is where there is balance between independence and intimacy. There are two separate and distinct individuals who are aware of and comfortable with the similarities AND differences in each other and work together for the common good without hiding things under the rug or trying to force the other to do things their way. Each is like a pillar supporting a loving marital bridge. See Bader and Pearson's book, In Search of the Mythical Mate.

ANSWER - I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so miserable. One thing, however, is that you're very good at depressing. You've learned to think, believe, and do just the right kind of things that result in feeling awful. I understand that you're not consciously choosing to feel this way, even though many of the choices you are making are resulting in your "perfect score," independent of your circumstances. See Central Principle 1, Understanding your feelings; also, Chapter on Depression.

ANSWER - If your children are still at home and you are "very unhappy," I don't know whether staying miserably married or getting divorced would cause your children less grief. When children grow up in a family with an unloving and/or dysfunction marriage, everyone suffers regardless of how well the problems are masked. When loving feelings towards a spouse erode to the point of pervasive hurt or apathy, the process of turning that marriage around rarely begins with feeling loving towards each other. First, there needs to be changes of attitude and behavior on at least one person's part (perhaps yours). Feelings are usually the last thing to change. Therapy sounds like a good for you and your spouse. I prefer to do everything possible to not only save a marriage but make it effective and fulfilling. Divorce would be the absolute last resort. I find that even when only one spouse is willing to come to therapy, 9 times out of 10, the other spouse eventually comes in, after seeing and being affected by the changes that come from the spouse in counseling.

ANSWER - Yes! See your doctor. In sports I find that the more I focus on a problem and the harder I try to get it right, the worse I play. Just today while playing tennis, the only times I double faulted were when I said to myself, "I've GOT to be careful or I'm going to miss this serve." See the answers to question 8 and 14.

ANSWER: Sexual intimacy with your wife and masturbation are two entirely different things. In one the focus is on your spouse and in the other the focus in on you. See if you can give more attention to pleasing your wife, with less worry about how aroused you are. Also, is there sufficient lubrication at penetration? Another thing you can try is enjoying a variety of sexually intimate activities with your wife without intercourse for a couple of weeks. That may take some of the pressure off. Have you read the chapter on Sexual Intimacy? See answers to Questions 9 and 14.

ANSWER - If you can develop a growing friendship with a person who is trustworthy, fun, loving, respectful, etc. then I wouldn't worry so much about the sexual concerns. Sex outside of marriage invites fear and, more often than not, someone (or both) end up getting hurt.  Most likely when you are in a committed marriage with your best friend, where love abounds, frosting that marital cake will be sweet.  See Unsatisfactory Intimacy, Barrier 1: Lack of Commitment.  It is possible, nevertheless,that you were traumatized by the earlier abuse and would benefit from seeing a therapist.  See How To Select A Therapist.

ANSWER - Sadly, a lot of people are being hurt in this situation: you, his wife and children, him and, perhaps, others. Unfortunately, the fleeting good feelings shared in this relationship do not the change the facts, whether or not you deal with them. See Principle 3: Distinguish Your Feelings From the Facts. If you are not living in harmony with what you believe and value, you can not be at peace with yourself. If you meet someone with similar values, who lives them, they are not likely to be interested in you. If you truly want to be happy and have a loving and secure relationship (and I'm sure you do), I would encourage you to re-evaluate your minimun standards for a relationship. See Principle 7: Set Your Minimum Standards. Even though you may sacrifice some sense of comfort and companionship now, the investment in you and in your future spouse will be more than worth it.

ANSWER - Congratulations on marrying a wonderful man. Since I do not know much about your situation, let me give you some questions to consider. Are the memories of past abuse one's you've been aware of all along; or, have they just recently come to your mind (sometimes called "recovered memories")? If they are of the so called recovered memory type, I would encourage you NOT to take them seriously. If they are, however, memories of actual/factual events that are disturbing, have you told your husband? Are you afraid that he won't love you if he knows about the past? If he is truly wonderful, he'll probably love you all the more.

Remember, your worth and love ability depends more on who you are now than on anything you've done (or been done to) in the past. See Principle 5: Recognizing Your Inherent Worth and the chapter on Depression in the book Emotional First Aid.

If you are still troubled by the memories, seeing a therapist may be appropriate. If you look for a local therapist, I would recommend one who is skilled EMDR, a helpful therapeutic tool for rapidly eliminating disturbing pain from traumatic memories. For referrals of trained EMDR therapists, US or International, call (408) 372-3900 ext 10.

ANSWER - From your question I see three things: 1) You are choosing to depress, perhaps because you don't know what else to do; 2) Your wife is communicating her love to you in ways that mean love to her, but not to you (e.g., allowing sex, enjoying sex (albeit w/o participating in ways that meet your expectations), promoting social activities, cooking favorite meals, cleaning house, etc.; and 3) Your wife may not know how, or feel comfortable with, participating in sexual intimacy in a mutually satisfactory manner.

What to do: 1) see Depression chapter in Emotional First Aid ; 2) Consider that your wife's behavior is something other than a lack of love for you; recognize how she does express love; 3) You both might benefit from reading together the chapter entitled Communication; 4) If you two can't discuss your concerns about intimacy in a way that is helpful, see a counselor, but don't even consider leaving your wife over this (I think she love's you more than you realize); 5) Read the chapter on Unsatisfactory Intimacy.

ANSWER - You are not alone. Communication with a loved one on a sensitive and controversial subject can be very complex, even though the skills for success are composed of simple principles and straightforward steps. If your companion is willing, try reading together the section in "Emotional 1st Aid" on Communication. As you read together, discuss what seems applicable and decide on just one or two of the exercises you'd like to work on. If reading together isn't mutually agreeable at this time, you can go to that section yourself and find some things that you can do to improve your own skills. For a 2 minute review of the communication section, read the Summary and the Success Story.

QUESTION 2 - I never seem to be able to do enough. I am always worried that I'll be demoted or fired. What can I do to feel normal?

ANSWER - This is a very common feeling, but it doesn't have to be that way. The cause is often the result of trying to please others or to accomplish something in order to feel that one has value. The truth is that we are all born with intrinic worth (a human being, a child of God).. You can get relief from this way of feeling "less than" by reading any of the excellent books on codependency or by attending one of the 12 Step Recovery Programs. The opposite feeling to the one you are experiencing is, "I am OK. I am not better or worse than any other human being. There are lots of people who will love me just for who I am. What I DO is not as important as WHO I AM." Becoming your natural self, like you were as a very young child, is possible by acquiring some skills and giving yourself permission to "just be." See Principle 5: Recognizing Your Inherent Worth

ANSWER - I understand how you feel and can see that repeating this self destructive pattern is painful for you. Sometimes, it is better to just get rid of the pain and the pattern instead of dwelling on why or how you doing this behavior. You know consciously that your choice is to make a better life with your husband and that your thoughts and energies should be put there. I suggest you read the section in "Emotional 1st Aid" on Principle 1: Controlling Your Thoughts to get specific steps to getting your subconscious mind back on appropriate subjects. Then consider focusing on improving your marriage by looking at the chapters on Communication and Intimacy.