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| Dr.
Fishbein's Home Page
Every action and every feeling is preceded by thought, whether conscious or unconscious. Success and happiness, therefore, depend first and foremost on what you think. Strive to adhere to the three rules for successful thinking: think kindly, think objectively, and think constructively.
STEPS TO APPLY THE PRINCIPLE 2
Driving your car down the highway without lane lines to safely guide your way would be dangerous and frightening. Lane lines serve as guides to keep you on course to your destination. The mind is much more powerful and complex than the most sophisticated automobile. It can rapidly speed down any of billions of available highways. It can shift from one highway to another or change directions in a fraction of a second.
With the mind, as with a car, it is easy to believe you are correctly headed toward your destination, even when you are not. I remember one time I was happily driving south toward San Jose enjoying a lively conversation with a friend when I realized I was actually twenty miles north of home headed toward San Francisco. Because I thought I was on course and because I felt comfortable and happy, I had not paid enough attention to the road signs.
Because of the billions of roads or neural pathways in the mind and the computer-like speed with which thoughts travel and change directions, it is extremely easy to think you are headed north toward success and happiness when, in fact, you are drifting northeast or even south. Unfortunately many people evaluate their mental travels more by how their body feels rather than by the actual road they are traveling or by the direction they are headed. Without a well defined map and clearly marked road signs, it is all too easy to be misdirected or even lost.
There are many beneficial ways to manage the mind. To help keep your mind on a course headed toward success and happiness--where ever that happens to be for you--I suggest three basic rules or guidelines:
| Think
Kindly Think Objectively Think Constructively |
All three rules, not just one or two, are essential for successful and happy living. When you think kindly you feel better regardless of how others are acting or feeling. When you think objectively you deal with facts in any given situation, even if they are not pleasant, which gives you the freedom to consider the best available choices. When you think constructively you focus on the things that are congruent with your goals and values.
To think objectively about your present situation without a clear idea of what you want to accomplish and how you plan to do it is not constructive. Likewise, to think objectively and constructively without thinking kindly toward others erodes the very essence of life--joy and love. Adherence to all three rules provides a safe and fertile environment to learn to live successfully and happily.
To act in an unkind, disrespectful, or lustful way toward a person is obviously inappropriate and non-productive. To think such thoughts wastes valuable mental and emotional energy and also weakens the effectiveness of your mind. Your happiness and the quality of your relationships with others is increased or decreased, among other things, by how kindly you think. Consider a slight modification to The Golden Rule: Think about others--including yourself--as you would have others think about you.
Kind Thinking: Sometimes Randy is not as thoughtful as he could be.
Unkind thinking: What an idiot I am; I've forgotten her name again.
Kind Thinking: I have a reasonably good memory, so I must not have been paying attention when we were introduced or I would remember her name.
As you think about any situation, your mind does two important things. First, it acts like a camera, recording the objective facts of the event. Then it acts like a news commentator analyzing and commenting on the recorded facts. As long as these two mental functions occur separately and in that order, your thinking is apt to be objective.
Confusing your opinions and feelings about an event with the objective "camera" facts interferes with your ability to think objectively. You end up with incomplete, inaccurate, or exaggerated information in your mind.
Key Point: No amount of intelligence can compensate for a lack of objective thinking.
Objective Thinking: When my wife wants me to fix something around the house, she usually asks in a polite way. After the first five or six requests, however, she tends to get frustrated.
Incorrect: Unless I do what he wants, he gets angry at me.
Objective Thinking: Sometimes, when I don't do what he wants, he gets angry, period.
Although you could think, "He is mad at me," that thought will tend to cause you to interpret his feelings as a personal attack rather than as an expression of his thoughts or feelings, which probably have more to do with him than with you.
A common barrier to thinking objectively is often created by how you use the "S" word--Should. If should means to you that what is must not or cannot be--rather than meaning you prefer reality to be different than it is--then the frequent use of the"S" word will upset you and fog your lenses. For example:
Better: Unfortunately, I dropped the ball.
I should be as organized as Sue.
Better: Sue is more organized, but I can improve if I am willing to work at it.
Life shouldn't be so hard.
Better: At times life is hard, so what can I do to make my life better?
By thinking about life the way it is right now--even if you do not like it--you are in the best possible position to consider the available options and make your best choice.
Regardless of what you are doing, you are striving toward some goal or another, whether consciously or unconsciously. The mind is goal oriented. Right now, for example, as you read this, you have a reason, an objective, or a goal for doing so. There is something you want to accomplish. You may want to learn something, you may want to solve a problem, or you may just be curious about what is in this book. Likewise, when you talk to a friend or business associate, you have a purpose in mind. Even when you stare at the ceiling or out the window, you have your reasons. You may be pondering the solution to a difficult problem, you may be trying to relax for a moment, or you may be trying to avoid thinking about a particular problem or responsibility.
You can control the goals you think about and the plans you develop to accomplish them. You determine what goal, at any given moment, is most important to you. When you focus your mental energy on the goal you consider most important and when you focus your thoughts and activity on a reasonable plan to accomplish your goal, your mind is working at its best--constructively.
Constructive Thinking: Rather than asking "Why," ask, How can I do a better job and make my boss's job easier?
Incorrect: I cannot stand people driving slowly in the fast lane. I wish I had a Sherman tank.
Constructive Thinking: Although I do not like slow drivers in the fast lane, my main goal is to get home safely. Taking an extra five minutes to get there really doesn't matter. Also, I do have the option of driving around the slow drivers.
Learning to keep your thoughts within a set of guidelines is like learning to drive an automobile between the white lines on the highway. It is easy now, because of years of practice, but remember that in the beginning it was not so easy. How did you do it?
First, you saw others driving safely in the appropriate lanes. You decided that was how you wanted to drive. Second, you practiced over and over again. Each time you made a mistake and drifted over the lane line, you quickly made a correction. Eventually, you became able to automatically keep your automobile centered between the lane lines, making little corrections whenever necessary, without consciously thinking about it.
Now it is easy to keep your automobile centered. Of course, you recognize the fact that everyone occasionally drifts and crosses the line--whether in an automobile or in their minds. You cannot always drive or think perfectly even though you give it your best effort. So when you do drift, you immediately acknowledge the fact you are out of line. You cannot afford to waste precious seconds criticizing yourself, questioning why, or disbelieving the fact you are out-of-bounds. And you certainly cannot afford to ignore the situation just because it is unpleasant. Instead, you simply and quickly act to get back in bounds. Finally, after you are safe, you think about and learn from your mistake.
In learning to manage your thoughts--striving to keep them within the bounds you set--the methods used are the same ones you used when learning to drive an automobile, or for that matter, to live within any guidelines you set (going to bed and getting up at a certain time, keeping social or work behavior within appropriate limits, and so forth). Just as it is obviously desirable to keep your car within the appropriate lines, so it is with your thoughts.
Key Point: Strive to keep your thoughts within the Three Rules for Successful Thinking.
When your thoughts drift out of bounds--and they do for all of us--strive to acknowledge the thought and get back in bounds as quickly as possible--ideally within two to three seconds. Then there will be little or no negative emotional consequence.
Solution: Regularly monitor and evaluate your thoughts by asking three questions:
| Am I thinking kindly? Am I thinking objectively? Am I thinking constructively? |
- Consider the benefits of adhering to the Three Rules for Successful Thinking. Ask yourself: "How will I benefit from learning to think this way?" Then consider whether the benefits are worth the effort. If so, decide that you will learn to live by the three rules--not because you have to or should, but because you want to.
- Establish your own personal rules or guidelines for successful thinking. You may adopt the three rules if you wish, or you may develop your own specific rules.
- Evaluate your thoughts as desirable or undesirable, according to the rules you established. Make sure your line between desirable and undesirable thoughts is crystal clear, like the center divider line of a highway. In other words, make sure you understand what each of the three rules means in a personal and practical way.
Incorrect: I will always keep my thoughts within the guidelines I have set.
Reason: A promise to always or never think certain thoughts is difficult if not impossible to keep; hence, you are apt to make yourself miserable and eventually give up.
Correct: I will learn to keep my thoughts within the guidelines I set.
Reason: Emotionally charged thoughts, like a powerful freight train, cannot be stopped dead in their tracks. You can however, change the destination of a train--or a train of thought--by switching the tracks.
Example: Even after the train is stopped, the hot wheels (emotions) do not immediately cool off. Just as the train engine produces power and heat to drive the wheels, your thoughts produce chemicals that create physical/emotional sensations you feel in your body.
Caution: After you get your thoughts back in bounds, be patient with your emotions. Give them time to cool off. Do not go back out-of-bounds in a misguided attempt to fight or analyze the undesirable thoughts or feelings.
Note: If strong feelings are associated with a particular undesirable thought, it is better to find something you can actively do (such as work on a project exercise or call a friend) rather than just trying to get rid of the feeling or thought by thinking about something else.
Note: The longer your thoughts are out-of-bounds, the stronger the pull to continue dwelling on them.
Reason: After the first two to three seconds your thoughts are out-of-bounds, every additional second causes your body to be flooded with powerful chemicals that increasingly arouse and intensify emotion. Even after ceasing to throw pebbles into a pond, it takes time for the ripples to subside.
Note: The longer your thoughts are out-of-bounds, the stronger the pull is to go back out again.
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Example: Larry asked me to help him not get so angry at other drivers. He had spent a great deal of time analyzing--to no avail--why he became irate when someone else was driving incorrectly or inconsiderately. I gave him what seemed to be an unusual assignment. I asked him to watch for situations he could have been upset about but was not. Then I asked him to figure out what he was thinking or doing that allowed him not to feel so upset.
You may wish to study the chart on the following pages to gain a clearer overview of the three different areas of managing undesirable thoughts.
| Managing Undesirable Thoughts |
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| BEFORE THEY OCCUR |
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| WHEN THEY OCCUR |
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| AFTER THEY OCCUR |
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Since he was seventeen years old, Sean struggled unsuccessfully to overcome a habit of sexual behavior that violated his personal and religious values (masturbation). As he told me of his efforts I listened to how he dealt with the two key factors occurring in any problem--his behavior and his thoughts.
Sean tried a variety of strategies to eliminate the undesirable behavior. With each new approach, he sincerely promised himself the same thing: "I'll never do it again." He would psyche himself up, sure that this time he would finally succeed. He kept records of how many days in a row he went without a "slip." One day, two days, a week, two weeks, and so forth. The longer he went, the more the pressure built--"How long can I keep it up? Have I finally overcome it?" Then, inevitably, the winning streak came to an end.
The first few dozen times he promised "to never do it again" and failed, he dusted himself off and tried again. Eventually, however, he began to doubt himself: "I don't know if I can overcome this problem. Maybe I am a loser. If others knew about my problem, they would think less of me. I'm a phony. Even God is displeased with me." Despite increasing doubt and discouragement he never gave up. He kept fighting.
Realizing his thoughts were at the root of his behavior, he began fighting them. His goal: eliminate lustful thoughts. When a lustful thought came into his mind, he attacked it like a general trying to destroy the enemy. He tried to force it out of his mind by screaming to himself, "No!" and by repeating positive affirmations, or by trying to frighten himself about possible future consequences of his actions. He would hold the thought up for careful analysis, asking himself "why" he thought such things. At other times he would wage a mighty debate trying to convince himself he did not want to think those thoughts.
Sean was caught in a vicious cycle. The harder he tried to battle his thoughts and make them go away, the more they tended to dominate his thinking. It was like trying NOT to think about purple alligators. The more he thought about NOT thinking certain things, the more he was actually thinking about them.
In addition to failing to keep his promise of "never doing it again," he was also failing in his fight to "eliminate undesirable thoughts." Failure was uppermost in his mind.
By the time Sean came to see me, needless to say, he was discouraged. He was down on himself and doubted his own ability to succeed. He looked to me to do something to solve his problem. My first objective was to help him discover that the solution was still within him.
We discussed his goal "to never do it again," and I asked him how he would know when he had succeeded. He said, "When I don't do it anymore." I asked him how many days in a row he thought he needed to go before he could reach that conclusion. He said he really didn't know, but thought it needed to be a long time, perhaps a year.
I pointed out that his criteria for success was vague at best and nonexistent at worst. Unless he could say he never made a mistake, he could not say he succeeded. And how could he conclude "I never make a mistake" when he does not know what the future holds.
I explained to Sean that he could set a different goal--a goal that would allow him to objectively recognize and measure progress. He would then be able to experience degrees of success that would be encouraging and lead to further success. I suggested the following goal:
| I will learn to keep my passions within the bounds the Lord and I have set. |
There are two important parts to this goal. First, is the concept of learning. By focusing on learning he could experience some success right away. We discussed how people learn new skills such as riding a bike, playing basketball, or speaking a foreign language. It was obvious to him that learning new skills always involved making some mistakes, especially in the beginning. More important than the mistakes, however, is what you learn from them. I reassured him that although I understood his desire to get to the point where he could better control his thoughts and behavior, he must first learn the necessary skills. That means making some mistakes--and then learning from them.
I was careful to make sure he understood what I was saying. I had no intent whatsoever to encourage him to do anything he considered wrong or to mitigate the seriousness of his mistakes. I knew, nevertheless, that with well developed habits of many years, growing pains and mistakes were inevitable.
The second essential part of the goal is setting a positive orientation. The emphasis is on learning to do a positive thing, rather than on not doing a negative thing.
Negative: I will not strike out.
Positive: I will learn to obey the Lord.
Negative: I will not sin.
Key Point: You are more likely to succeed with a positive goal stating what you wish to accomplish, than a negative goal emphasizing what you do NOT want to do.
Sean agreed to adopt the new goal. Now he had a positive goal that allowed for the natural process of learning. I told him the next time we met, I would be more interested in what he learned than in whether or not he made a mistake. That took a lot of pressure off. I knew as long as he was learning principles and skills for better self-management--even amidst making some mistakes--he would sooner or later, gain greater control over his thoughts and his actions. Hence, he would soon be making fewer mistakes.
Sean had another habit that was getting in the way of accomplishing his goal. When he made a mistake he would get extremely down on himself. By repeatedly saying negative and unkind things about himself, he was making a second mistake. Without realizing it, he was causing the erosion of his natural sense of self-worth.
In order to shore up his self-esteem, I suggested he do something that initially seemed strange and awkward. I asked him to use his undesirable behavior to remind him to reaffirm his inherent, God-given worth. Just after he made a mistake, I asked him to recite the following words to himself: "I am a child of God with strengths, weaknesses, and potential. And I will learn to keep my passions within the bounds the Lord and I have set." Not only does the undesirable behavior reinforce correct principles, it usually becomes less desirable itself.
In solving any personal problem, I look for improvement in two areas--what a person thinks and how they behave. I showed Sean how to measure progress in those areas in a way that would be objective and encouraging.
In the area of measuring his behavior, rather than counting the days until he make a mistake, I suggested he keep a win/loss record. After the first week Sean reported he messed up two times. He was discouraged. My response was, "Well let's see, you have five wins and two loses. What did you learn?"
After the second week Sean was pleased to announce he made some progress. He reported a cumulative score for the two weeks of eleven wins and three loses. The progress was not only obvious, it was encouraging. Besides, he continued to learn important lessons about governing himself.
Next, to measure progress in keeping his thoughts within the bounds he set, I suggested two things. First, I asked him to monitor how many seconds or minutes it took him to (a) acknowledge that his thoughts were out- of-bounds and (b) get his thoughts back in bounds. Second, I asked him to make a list of "innocent" thoughts that, nevertheless, tended to lead his mind out-of-bounds ("She is cute" or "I need to relax"). Then I asked him to report the number of times he started down the track of "innocent" thoughts and then switched to a better track before he went out-of-bounds.
At first he had some difficulty recognizing the onset of his undesirable thoughts. He would be aware of his emotional reaction to the thoughts before he was aware of the thoughts themselves. I pointed out that by then the waves of emotion were so large it was difficult to redirect the wayward thoughts. When he finally got his thoughts back in bounds, he was in for a surprise--the feelings did not subside right away. I explained that for every second his thoughts were out of bounds, it usually takes about ten times that long for the body to completely calm down.
With practice, he got to the point where he could recognize an undesirable thought and get back in bounds in about a minute. Then he could do it in forty-five seconds; then thirty seconds. Sometimes, he could even do it in the ideal time of two to three seconds.
Sean learned prevention was easier than correction. By increasing his awareness of the "innocent" thoughts preceding the undesirable thoughts, he discovered he could comfortably redirect his thoughts before they got out-of-bounds. As he noted increasing success in keeping his thoughts in bounds, as well as quickly getting them back in bounds when they drifted, his confidence grew.
To help him gain greater confidence and strength, I asked him to consider others areas in his life he would like to improve (physical, social, intellectual, career, spiritual, service, and so forth). I explained that anything he could do to live a more meaningful and well-balanced life would help him solve his problem as well as reduce the likelihood of a recurrence.
At our last visit, Sean thanked me for helping him discover that all along he had had the power in himself to solve his problem. He also acknowledged the Lord's help. My experience with Sean brought to mind the example of a talented and dedicated football player who was running with all his might, only to discover he was going the wrong way. Sean just needed a little guidance to get himself pointed in the right direction.
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