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Central Principle 3

DISTINGUISH YOUR FEELINGS FROM THE FACTS

Feelings do not change facts. Strive to distinguish your feelings from the facts.

STEPS TO APPLY THE PRINCIPLE

SUCCESS STORY 3

GENERAL INFORMATION

All of us, from time to time, unwittingly blend our opinions or feelings with the facts and consider the resulting viewpoint to be the actual fact. You may think, for instance, that you are discussing the facts of a situation when you are actually talking about your own imagined version of the facts. The thoughts and feelings you have about a situation are, of course, important; nevertheless, they do not change this fundamentally important principle: Thoughts and feelings, no matter how sincere or strong, do not change the facts.

Although feelings can provide important and useful information, sometimes they give inaccurate or exaggerated information. In any situation, for instance, there are objective facts unaltered by personal opinion or feeling as well as subjective opinions and feelings. When you have a strong feeling (a feeling that all is well or all is lost) it is tempting to believe that the feeling itself accurately reflects reality. Sometimes, of course, what you feel is consistent with the facts of reality. At other times, however, what you feel may not be supported by the facts. In other words, feelings are not necessarily related to reality.

Distinguishing thoughts and feelings from facts can be better understood by considering how a camera works. A camera simply records facts as they are. It does not record personal thoughts or feelings. Unlike a camera, your mind can add opinions, assumptions, and feelings to the facts creating a customized picture--whether accurate or not--of any given situation. This is natural and healthy as long as the opinions and feelings are not thought of as the objective facts.

There are two ways of dealing with feelings that produce a distorted picture. At one extreme is the person who ignores his feelings altogether; at the other extreme is the person who excessively dwells on his feelings.

IGNORING FEELINGS

Although you can go through the motions of life while ignoring some or all of your emotions, you will be at a disadvantage. If you attempt to ignore emotional pain, for example, you will likewise have difficulty being sensitive to pleasure. Ignoring emotion also causes you to miss out on important information about yourself and your environment, making it difficult to think objectively, make reasonable decisions, or effectively communicate.

Missing out on the information provided by your emotions is like driving a car without paying attention to the instruments. You can still drive, but you are apt to make little mistakes like occasionally driving too fast, running out of gas, or overheating the engine. Likewise, without essential emotional information you are apt to make mistakes or get stuck while attempting to solve personal and relationship problems.

Some people, unaware of their feelings, mistakenly consider themselves highly rational. Such individuals often appear impeccably calm and smooth. Nothing seems to upset them. Like the automobile driver who ignores the fuel gauge registering empty while thinking and acting as though he has plenty of gas, some people ignore their emotional instruments, thinking and acting as if they were calm. If you are married to someone like that--and you are aware of your own normal emotional ups and downs--you (and he) may mistakenly view him as calm and yourself as volatile.

Contrary to outer appearances, the so-called "rational" man often has difficulty distinguishing facts from feelings because he is unaware that there is any difference between the two.

 

Example: When Bill walked through the front door, Sharon knew he was upset. Bill, however, considered himself calm and rational. Actually Bill was upset about work but had not yet recognized that fact. When Sharon asked him how he was, he responded sincerely, "Fine." Upon looking around the house Bill launched into a tirade about how messy it was even though it was reasonably tidy. Because Bill was unaware of his feelings about work, he had difficulty seeing that the house was neat and that the problem lay within his own unrecognized feelings. His opinions were being affected by feelings he did not admit he had.

Key Point: The truly rational person is aware of his feelings as clearly as he is aware of the facts in a situation.

DWELLING ON FEELINGS

Some people are so aware of and involved with their feelings that they lose sight of what the facts are and whether or not their feelings are supported by the facts. Such individuals tend to base their opinions and decisions on how they feel, often without considering all of the facts in the situation. To them, what they feel represents what is real.

Attempting to reason or communicate with someone who believes that what they feel determines what is real is an exercise in frustration. They tend to give their feelings more credibility than the facts, regardless of how much evidence you give them. For example, although Norm and Sue are living beyond their means, when Norm feels they can afford a new car, financial facts cannot convince him otherwise. Since he feels good about the purchase, he "reasons," it must be all right.

Key point: Thoughts and feelings do not change facts.

When you are able to distinguish the facts in a situation from your feelings about the facts, you are in the best position to objectively and sensitively examine all available information.

STEPS TO APPLYING THE PRINCIPLE

1.  
2. Practice reminding yourself of the key principle:

   Thoughts and feelings do not change the facts.

   •  
   • On several 3x5 cards write the above principle. Place the cards where you can see them at least a dozen times a day (refrigerator, T.V., mirror, visor of your automobile, etc.).
   • Whenever you have a strong feeling or opinion, remind yourself of what is written on your cards.
3. When you experience a feeling that seems unreasonably strong or inappropriate to the situation, ask yourself:

   What are the facts that sup- port this feeling?

   1. Key point: When a particular feeling is not supported by facts, you are usually better off not taking it seriously. Acknowledge but do not dwell upon such feelings.

      Caution: Even though feelings do not change facts, dwelling on feelings inconsistent with the facts creates the illusion that the feelings, nevertheless, represent truth and fact.

4. Practice distinguishing feelings from facts in three important areas of your life: Your identity ("I am" versus "I feel I am"), your activities ("I do" versus "I feel I do"), and your possessions ("I have" versus "I feel I have"). It helps to take a piece of paper and draw a line vertically down the center. List your feelings on the left side and the facts on the right side. See the example on the following page.
5. When there is a discrepancy between the facts and your feelings, you are usually better off acting on the facts rather than on your feelings. Emotions are usually not as reliable as the facts, since emotions can fluctuate independently of the current situation because of flashbacks from the past, exaggerated thoughts about the present or future, or insufficient information.

SUCCESS STORY

Terri, a high school homecoming queen, sincerely felt ugly and unpopular. Her parents repeatedly tried to reason with her but to no avail. Every time they pointed out the facts that over one thousand of her peers voted her homecoming queen and that she modeled for Macy's, she told them those things did not change her feelings.

I pointed out to Terri that her feelings were screaming so loudly in her ears, she mistakenly believed them to represent truth and reality. Her feelings were discoloring her view of the facts. Her parents, on the other hand, were so focused on the facts, they could not seem to acknowledge, let alone understand, her feelings.

I encouraged her parents to stop trying to use facts to talk her out of her feelings; instead, it would be better to acknowledge and respect her feelings even though they were not based on facts. I suggested they tell her they understood she was feeling down on herself. Then they could reassure her that the emotional storm would eventually pass.

Meanwhile, Terri and I discussed a variety of situations where feelings and facts are not one and the same, such as feeling like you failed a math test when in fact you did well or vice versa. She began to realize that although her feelings were real and understandable (we all feel badly about ourselves from time to time), those feelings do not change the facts.

Finally, the light went on--she saw that feeling down on herself did not change the fact that she did, indeed, have some positive physical characteristics and good friends. Once again, she was able to objectively look at her strengths and weaknesses independently of how she was feeling. The storm passed.

THUNDER FEELS SCARY--BUT IT IS NOT DANGEROUS

One afternoon we experienced an unusual thunderstorm in San Jose. We were so excited, we went outside to watch the lightning and listen to the thunder. Our young son, Chad, who ventured out with us felt differently. Although he was fascinated by the lightning, he jumped and shuddered with fear each time the thunder boomed.

Although I explained to him several times that thunder could not hurt him, his feelings were so strong that he was not convinced. The irony of the situation was that lightning--which Chad felt very safe and comfortable with--could be dangerous, while thunder--which was not dangerous--felt dangerous to him. I empathized with Chad because a couple of times the roar of thunder was so loud, I too jumped even though I knew there was no danger.

Key point: Feelings, no matter how strong, do not change the facts.

Reminder: If this central principle does not apply to your particular concern, go to another central principle OR go directly to the section on the problem you wish to solve: (Communication Difficulties, Depression, Unsatisfactory Intimacy, or Anxiety Attacks)

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