Central Principle 4

WHAT YOU CAN VERSUS WHAT YOU CANNOT CONTROL

In any situation, there are things you can control and things you cannot control. Focus your attention on what you can control rather than on what you cannot control.

STEPS TO APPLY THE PRINCIPLE

SUCCESS STORY

GENERAL INFORMATION

Although in every situation there are things you can control, there are also things you cannot control, no matter how much you may wish you could. For example, you may wish to turn sickness into health, make a bad driver good, make a hot day cool, make a depressed economy robust, make a noncommunicative spouse communicate, or make a disobedient child obey. The tendency to dwell on things you cannot control is normal and natural but unhealthy. It leads to feelings of anxiety, anger, or depression.

In personal relationships, thinking about things you cannot control often leads to manipulative behavior, whether consciously or unconsciously.

Key point: One of the biggest causes of relationship difficulties at home or a work is one person attempting to control another. Not only does the mind function poorly when dwelling on things you cannot control, relationships cannot prosper when one person attempts to inappropriately control the other.

The line between what you can and cannot control is often thin and easily overlooked. For instance, the Golden Rule can be misinterpreted to mean: "If I do unto others as I would have them do unto me, then they will do unto me as I want." Such a restatement suggests one person can control what another will choose to do. Certainly, if you are kind to others, there is a greater likelihood others will choose to reciprocate, but of course that is their choice, not yours.

Although there are physical or scientific laws that show an if-then, cause-and-effect, or stimulus-response relationship, people choose how they will act or respond. In human relationships, if you do something, then there may be a possibility, or even a probability of a certain response by the other person, but that choice is in his control, not yours.

 

Myth: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and they will do what you want. The problem occurs when you assume that your choices will cause another person to make the choice you want them to make.

 

Fact: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and they will more likely--though not necessarily--choose to do what you want.

Although optimum mental and emotional effectiveness is obtained by focusing approximately 90% of your attention and energy on what you can control, there are also things you cannot completely control that require your attention. Goals or plans involving other people or external events, for instance, are important to think about even though you cannot entirely control the outcome. For example, you may set a family goal to improve communication by speaking in a kind manner. Although you can control your contribution to the goal, better family communication requires the efforts of others, whom you cannot control.

Whether in a family or business setting, it is essential to have a clear goal, mission, or purpose, even though you alone cannot completely control the outcome. I suggest giving about 10% of your attention to important things you cannot control, such as goals, expectations, hopes, and dreams. But focus the vast majority of your attention (approximately 90%) on the things you can control: your contribution, effort, performance, thoughts, and feelings.

 

Result: Within the limits of any given situation, you will experience optimum freedom and opportunity to be at your best, regardless of the people or things you cannot control. The outcome or product will be the result of the interweaving of your contribution with other variables such as other's contributions or lack of contribution, environmental, economic, mechanical factors, and so forth.

There are some difficult or painful situations where desirable choices seem nonexistent (severe illness, deteriorating marriage and family relationships, or loss of job). In such cases, there is a natural tendency to give most, if not all, of your attention to the things you cannot control. This results in reduced awareness of available choices and in feeling trapped. Fortunately, the important fact remains that in all situations there are some constructive choices available--just not always the ones you might prefer.

A classic example of finding constructive choices in a situation that was anything but ideal is found in Dr. Viktor Frankl's experience in Auschwitz--a Nazi concentration camp where thousands of his fellow Jews, including his family, were murdered in the gas showers. Daily he saw the black smoke from the incinerated bodies rising to the sky. He was starved and tortured. Many of his fellow prisoners were dropping dead from starvation and despair. Did he have any positive choices? What could he control?

He made a remarkable discovery. Although the Nazis could take his family, possessions, and liberty, they could not take away his faith in God, his hopes and dreams, and his love for his fellow man. They could not make him hate or give up hope. Despite the atrocious conditions, he realized he could still do some good with his life. Regardless of how long he lived or under what conditions, he could help his fellow prisoners; he could learn to suffer with dignity. He could hope for and plan for a better life someday--even though the chance of survival was remote.

He found meaning and purpose in his life as he determined he would live to the best of his ability within the limits of his current circumstances. He discovered freedom in a Nazi concentration camp.

Although Dr. Frankl was certainly aware of things he could not control, he still found a way to focus his attention and energy on what he could control. As a result, he not only survived Auschwitz, he discovered freedom and meaning in his life; he also developed an internationally renowned theory and approach to psychotherapy, largely derived from his experience. (Man's Search For Meaning, Viktor E. Frankl, Washington Square Press, 1985).

When I am feeling down or upset about things I cannot control, I often think about Victor Frankl. If he could find peace of mind and meaning amidst the horrors of Auschwitz, I can certainly find a constructive way to cope with my challenges.

Although every situation contains people, things, or events you cannot control, constructive choices are available. When you focus attention on the things you cannot control, the result is apt to be emotional agitation and mental inefficiency. When you focus your attention on things you can control, however, you can think and feel at your best.

STEPS FOR APPLYING THE PRINCIPLE

1.  
2. When you come upon a difficult situation (either face-to-face or in your mind), consider what you can control versus what you cannot control.

   Ask yourself: "What aspects of this situation can I control? What aspects can't I control?"

   Result: Just by asking the question and thinking about it, there is a natural tendency for your mind to self-correct.

    

3. When you find yourself dwelling on something you cannot control, do not try to change your thinking at first. Just watch what happens. Observe the consequences, especially how you tend to feel and act.

   Result: By increasing your awareness of what you are focusing on and the results that follow, your mind will naturally tend to focus more on things you can control.

    

4. Since feeling upset often indicates that you are thinking about things you cannot control, use your unpleasant feelings to remind you to ask the above question.

    

5. To further distinguish between what you can and cannot control, take a piece of paper and draw a line down the center of the paper. On one side of the line write those aspects of the situation you can control and on the other side of the line write the aspects you cannot control.

   Result: As you more clearly distinguish what you can control from what you cannot control, you will be able to better concentrate your energy and resources where you can do the most good.

    

6. Select one thing on your list you can control and implement a plan for doing something about it.

   Example: A young mother of three children related to me how she felt overwhelmed, inadequate, and depressed. I told her my wife and I could personally relate with how she was feeling. She explained that in the last week alone, her six-year-old had screamed "I hate you" several times, her ten-year-old had brought home a note from school for disrupting the class, and her fourteen-year-old was having trouble with algebra. Sandy was sure that she was somehow the cause of their problems. To help her distinguish her responsibilities from her children's responsibilities, she made a list of what she could and could not control in the situation.

   Sandy's List
   I Can ControlMy choices (what I teach and give to my children) My actions My thoughts and feelings Setting the rules and consequences	I Cannot ControlTheir choices (what they learn and receive) Their actions or reactions Their thoughts and feelings Their choice to obey or disobey

   Result: Sandy felt relieved knowing she was not responsible for everything going on in her family. Rather than focusing on what she could not control--mainly her children's choices--she redirected her attention and energy to what she could control. She came up with a constructive plan for action benefiting herself and her children.

    

7. When you notice yourself thinking about something you cannot control.

   Ask yourself: "Do I really want to be thinking this?"

   If the answer is, "No," practice thinking about or doing something you can control.

   Result: Your thinking becomes more objective and constructive, and you feel better.

   If you have a habit of dwelling on the things in your life you cannot control, please see Central Principle 2: Managing Your Thoughts

SUCCESS STORY

Prior to the big game, the players convinced themselves they were so good, they could not possibly lose. Although such thinking may seem positive, it is not realistic. No matter how good a team is, things over which they have no control can always occur that can cause defeat. A star player may become sick or injured, or the other team might play their all-time best.

 

Problem: When players do not consider the possibility of defeat (thus becoming overconfident), it is difficult for them to give their all during practice. If at any point in the game defeat seems possible, the players are not mentally prepared to face and overcome it or, if necessary, accept it gracefully.

 

Solution: Set a team goal and visualize success (devoting 10% of your time and energy here). Realistically acknowledge that winning or losing is the result of many factors, not all of which you have complete control over. Then focus energy on developing, practicing, and implementing a game plan (expending 90% of your time and energy here).

COMPETENCE WITHOUT CONFIDENCE

Whenever Kendall, an intelligent and capable speaker, prepared to speak at a business or church gathering, he thought a lot about whether the audience would react positively or negatively.

 

Problem: A lot of worry and anxiety.

 

Solution: Spend 10% of your time and energy considering the purpose or goal of your presentation--what you would like the audience to think, feel, or do as a result of your talk. Then give the bulk of your attention and energy (90%) to what you can control--your preparation and presentation.

 

 

MISGUIDED EFFORT

Gail believes that if she does what her husband Ralph wants (lose weight, be affectionate when he wants, and require little of him) then he will love her.

 

Problem: Gail assumes her actions (which she can control) will cause Ralph (whom she cannot control) to act in the way she wants. Although her actions have an influence on Ralph, how he chooses to respond to that influence is entirely up to him.

 

Solution: Gail decides she will contribute all she can (within reason) to the welfare of the marriage. She realizes, however, that unless Ralph does likewise, the marriage will be out of balance, causing additional problems and possible marital instability.

A GIFT WITH STRINGS ATTACHED

Sam gave his employees a substantial raise expecting to see a corresponding increase in productivity.

 

Problem: If the raise was given to produce or control future performance rather than reward past performance, the employee is apt to feel manipulated.

 

Consequence: The employee is apt to rebel, either passively or aggressively; and the employer is apt to feel an increase in anxiety or anger as he watches to see if the employee responds the way he should.

 

Solution: Sam gives the raise primarily as it was earned rather than an incentive for improved performance.

CONTROLLING RULES AND CONSEQUENCES,
NOT CHILDREN

Cory and Cossette believe that IF they set a good example, teach correct principles, and discipline with love and firmness, then their children will behave properly.

 

Problem: When their children misbehave, Cory and Cossette are apt to feel responsible for their children's choices (which only the children, not the parents, can control).

 

Result: A vicious cycle can develop where children rebel against what feels to them like coercion, while parents keep trying harder to make the children obey.

 

Solution: Set a good example, teach correct principles, lovingly control rules and consequences (not the children), and allow for the fact that children will make their own choices and receive the consequences of their obedience or disobedience.

 

Result: When parents give their best in the areas they can control, children are most likely to choose to do their best in the areas they can control; sometimes, of course, children will choose to behave improperly, despite their parents best efforts.

Reminder: If this central principle does not apply to your particular concern, go to another central principle OR go directly to the section on the problem you wish to solve: (Communication Difficulties, Depression, Unsatisfactory Intimacy, or Anxiety Attacks)