Feelings of self-worth fluctuate throughout life, but your intrinsic worth and identity is a God-given fact that is secure and permanent. You have an inherent value independent of your feelings, your actions, or your accomplishments.
Stepts to Applying the Principle
I do not know anyone who does not get down on himself occasionally. Everyone, regardless of age, intellect, accomplishment, position, or popularity, feels "I am not O.K.," or "I am not good enough" at times. These feelings come and go for all of us, regardless of our circumstances. Feelings of worth--as opposed to the facts of your inherent worth--are like the waves of the sea--continuously rising and falling. The only secure thing about the emotion of self-worth is that it is continuously in motion.
Self-worth is commonly thought of as something a person can get or lose. It is often measured by external things such as wealth, popularity, accomplishment, or others' opinions. For example, a person with great financial worth is often thought of as a worthwhile person. Nevertheless, money only measures wealth, not the things that really matter like happiness, love, intelligence, common sense, and family closeness. If internal worth is measured by external standards or fickle feelings over which you do not have complete control, your identity and your self-worth is built upon a shaky foundation.
Although the accomplishment of worthwhile things and a feeling of being worthwhile are highly desirable, I view self-worth more as a concrete fact than as an accomplishment or feeling. I believe each of us was born with a natural, spiritual, and biological predisposition to value ourselves as persons with inherent worth independent of success, failure, or the opinions of others.
Your inherent worth--as distinguished from the worth of your accomplishments and your worth to others--is like the pedigree or certificate of a thoroughbred horse. It is permanent and irrevocable. No opinion, feeling, or accomplishment can change your intrinsic identity and worth.
Somewhere inside of you is a natural sense of "I am" or identity. Permanently stamped or imprinted deeply in your mind is the certain knowledge that "I am me, a person of worth." Even when you make a mistake, experience failure, or feel worthless, your natural sense of self-worth says, "That's okay, just try again."
At birth you were given a name to identify who you are and to differentiate you from others. As a child with a natural sense of identity and worth--unless you were taught otherwise--there was no need to struggle with the age-old, philosophical question, "Who am I?" You knew who you were, even when you stumbled and fell.
For young children, usually less than eight years old, identity is not a question, it is a fact. Just ask a child, "Who are you?" You will undoubtably hear, "I am Shannon" or "I am Melissa." You can ask the child to think of a time when he made a mistake or got into trouble, then ask him again, "Who are you?" The child will still tend to think in natural terms, "I am Shannon," rather than with the common adult tendency to add a negative label, such as, "I am stupid or not good enough."
Other than your name, you do not need a label to be special or unique. You are unique. Your particular combination of strengths, weaknesses, potential, and heritage is unlike anyone else's in the world--past, present, or future. Your identity is as exclusive as your fingerprints.
You--your inherent identity and worth--are like the hub of a wheel. The spokes may be thought of as the various characteristics, positions, relationships, and possessions you have. Although the spokes are important, they do not by themselves determine your identity or worth. See diagram on the next page.
Despite the biological stamp of inherent worth a child is born with, he receives new information from the environment. His personal identity is unintentionally labelled by the attitudes and actions of parents and other important and generally well-meaning adults. Good behavior usually results in "Good boy," while bad behavior brings forth a label of "Bad boy." Labelling a behavior or characteristic as good or bad may be appropriate, whereas using such a label on a person is inappropriate and can be harmful.
When a child is given a label affecting his identity or worth, he is faced with a dilemma. His natural instincts tell him he is a good, worthwhile person, independent of doing well or not. When he is labeled as a good and worthwhile person IF . . . and that he is not worthwhile unless . . . , what does he believe? His natural, pre-programmed beliefs or what others are saying? By the time a child is around eight years old, it is extremely likely that a new tape or program will have developed in his mind, suggesting his self-worth depends largely on accomplishments and what others think.
Even in homes where caution is used in applying labels and in teaching a child the facts about who he is, a child still has a natural tendency to begin using personal labels of good or bad, depending on his accomplishments and the opinions of others. This proclivity for self-labeling, if left unchecked, can eat away at natural self-esteem much like weeds can gradually overrun a beautiful garden. Whether the natural, God-given tape or the subjective, artificial tape becomes the ruling force depends first on the child's environment and then, as he matures, on himself. Thus it is accurate to say, "I was not born with low self-esteem. I learned it."
When our son Shane was eight years old, he began playing soccer. Although I try not to sound like a psychologist at home, I could not pass up this opportunity to teach him an important lesson. After one of his initial games he came home and jubilantly announced, "I am a great soccer player." I asked him why and he explained how he scored two goals. I said, "Shane, that is great that you scored two goals, but that does not make you a great soccer player." I then asked him to tell me what was fun about the game and what he learned. I explained it is more important to have fun and to learn in sports than it is to be great.
I was glad we had that discussion because the next week Shane came home from a game dejected, saying, "I am a horrible soccer player." I again asked why. He explained he was playing goalie when he bent over to stop the ball and it rolled between his legs scoring the goal that lost the game for his team. I said, "Shane, you made a mistake, but that does not make you a terrible soccer player. Now, did you have some fun during your game? And, what did you learn?" He got the point.
Although this principle is so simple that a child can understand it, an adult often shakes his head in utter confusion. When you ask an adult, "Who are you?" there tends to be a long pause after which you are apt to hear a variety of labels: I am an attorney, a housewife, an engineer or I am fat, bright, rich, lazy, or popular. This common way of thinking leads a person to base his intrinsic worth on variables (possessions, accomplishments, or the opinions of others) that can be taken away or lose their value, rather than on the natural and secure fact that "I AM," therefore, "I have worth and value."
Although everyone has important roles to fulfill (son, daughter, brother, sister, father, mother, husband, wife, friend, employer, employee, athlete, musician), you are NOT your roles. You are more than your career, you are more than your body, you are more than your marriage, and you are more than your accomplishments or lack of accomplishments. You are more than any of these things. This simple truth is obvious when we stop to think about it; nevertheless, many people define their identity by what they do.
You can think of your various roles in life as hats you wear: the hats are yours, but you are more than your hats. Your roles describe your responsibilities and to some extent, what you do; however they do not completely describe you (your strengths, weaknesses, potential, and personality).
Wanting to feel good about yourself is natural, but since feelings are fickle and emotion is constantly in motion, basing your identity or worth on how you feel is inherently unstable and insecure. If you base your self-worth on feelings, your view of your self-worth is on an emotional roller coaster ride and you feel less secure.
If you forget about the rock solid foundation you were born with and instead base your sense of worth on how you feel, your life is like a house built upon a sandy foundation. As long as things are going well, you tend to feel worthwhile. But when the clear weather passes and the storms of life come (illness, loss of job, loss of loved ones) your very worth as a person will seem to hang in a precarious state. Even amidst the good times, just knowing you could lose "everything" can interfere with fully enjoying your successes. The result is an increased sense of stress and anxiety.
Building self-esteem on
feelings or possessions is like the man in the Bible who built his
house on sand. The rains came and the house fell. But the man who
built his house on rock--on a firm foundation--saw his house endure.
Feelings and possessions may pass, but your own God-given uniqueness,
abilities, and potential will endure. 
The steps for applying the principle are divided into three sections:
Even if you score high on several tests, you never know how you will do next time. The threat of not being worthwhile lurks around every corner. Continually questioning your self-worth leads to never-ending tests and increasing self-doubt.
Trying to find self-worth reminds me of the time I looked all over the house, from top to bottom, for my glasses, only to discover I was wearing them all along.
Take off the emotional battle fatigues and peacefully do things you consider worthwhile, regardless of how you feel. The worst that could happen is that you will feel badly about yourself while doing good things. It is much more likely, though, that your feelings of self-worth will continue to fluctuate, but without the extreme highs and lows.
Example: "I want to work at the Bank of America and someday manage the local branch, rather than I want TO BE a banker."
Key Point: Avoid using good or bad labels to identify yourself or others ("I am smart" or "I am dumb").
Example: I have certain talents, accomplishments, and relationships. Or I like to play the piano, jog, and spend time with friends.
Take a piece of paper and draw a vertical line down the center.On the top of the left side, write "I AM," and on the top of the right side, write "I HAVE."
Myth: If I accept the notion I am worthwhile, perhaps I will become lazy and fail to accomplish some important things.
I
Am versus I Have
Fact: Everyone has a natural desire to improve and accomplish, though some have learned to ignore it. When you strive to achieve something because of its value to you rather than because you are attempting to achieve self-worth, you are more likely to enjoy your successes and more successfully survive your failures.
Myth: If I accept the belief I have natural worth, then I am no different from anyone else.
Fact: You have a particular combination of strengths, weaknesses and potential as unique as your fingerprints. You are special.
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Definition of faith: To hope for things which are not seen or provable but which are nevertheless true.
Strengthen your faith in your inherent worth by doing things you consider worthwhile.
Key Point: Striving to do worthwhile things is essential to your success and happiness, but it is NOT the foundation of your self-worth.
Example: Sharon doubts her worth unless she does everything right. Bill, on the other hand, believes he is worthwhile because he does so many things right. It would be better if Sharon and Bill each recognize they have inherent worth, independent of how well they do things.
Be patient. Faith in yourself, like a mustard seed grows slowly; nevertheless, it will in time become a strong tree and bear good fruit.
Remember: Your fundamental identity and worth is a fact, not a feeling.
I spent several weeks trying to help Cari overcome a lifelong feeling of worthlessness. I asked her to tell me if others viewed her similarly to the way she viewed herself. "Oh, I don't believe so," she said. Others viewed her as a loving wife and mother. Her manager at the bank viewed her as dedicated and hard working. At church and in the community, she was known as someone who was willing to help and serve others.
Although she was aware of the good things she did and of others' love and appreciation, she continued to feel badly about herself. I reasoned and reasoned with her. Sometimes she argued persuasively that she just was not good enough. Other times she acknowledged that my reasoning seemed valid; nevertheless, she could not accept the idea that she had unchangeable worth.
Because she forgot what she once naturally knew as a child--that she has inherent, God-given worth--she repeatedly asked, "Am I worthwhile?" The more she asked the question, the more she doubted herself. She was caught in a vicious cycle, a never ending test of her worth as a person. No matter how much she accomplished, how often others praised her, or how good she felt about herself, she kept asking the same question. Having lost her childhood faith in herself, she could not simply answer, "Yes, I am worthwhile."
The problem in Cari's case was not so much a lack of effort, accomplishment, or actual worth, but having forgotten what she once knew so well as a child thenshe developed the self-defeating habit of questioning and doubting her instinctive or God-given sense of worth. Repeatedly asking herself, "Am I worthwhile?" became as much a problem as forgetting the answer.
Since the answer was preprogrammed in her mind, I knew once she stopped consciously and repetitively asking whether or not she was worthwhile, the natural answer would begin to emerge. I suggested she stop asking the question. She agreed. Instead, she simply went about doing her usual things. Whenever the question popped into her mind, she dismissed it and went about doing her business.
As she thought less about the question, an interesting thing happened--she became less troubled about her identity and worth. It was not so much that she suddenly felt great about herself--who does?--but she no longer doubted her worth as a person.
Fred had no doubt about his worth. He was the greatest. He was the president and owner of a large corporation. He was a popular and influential member of his community. He had plenty of money, a big house, and expensive cars. He was also an exceptionally talented and successful athlete.
One night Fred failed in bed with his wife, whom he loved dearly. The next night he tried harder, but to no avail. With each succeeding effort--and failure--he became increasingly discouraged and down on himself and eventually concluded, "I am a failure."
Fred had spent a lifetime convincing himself he was worthwhile because of his performance in school, athletics, business, community, and everything else he did. When he experienced failure, he naturally, though mistakenly, believed he was a failure. Before he could resolve his problem, it was necessary for him rediscover that his worth as a person was intrinsic, not based primarily on his performance. Result: When he realized he was worthwhile--even lovable--independent of his impressive list of successes, as well as his recent failures, he not only felt better, but to his delight, performed better.
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