Barrier 1: Self-Defeating Goals

Thoughts:: "I've got to find a way to get rid of these feelings."
Feelings:: Anxiety about feeling anxious.
Actions:: Avoiding situations perceived as anxiety producers or staying in "safe" situations.

GENERAL INFORMATION

When you are having difficulty accomplishing a goal, it is natural to question whether you are trying hard enough or whether something is wrong with you. Sometimes, however, it is neither. The goal itself can be the problem. Unrealistically high goals, for example, can cause anxiety.

When your main goal is to feel better ("Feeling" goal) rather than to do better, you usually end up feeling worse. When your main goal is to do better ("Doing" goal), hoping in the long run if not sooner, to feel better, you usually end up doing and feeling better.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

1. Watch for these common self-defeating goals:

Trying to be perfect right now. Perfection is not possible during the few short years we live on this earth.
Trying to control anxiety. Anxiety is viewed as the enemy rather than as a healthy warning signal that something in your life can be improved.
Trying to avoid situations believed to be responsible for undesirable emotions such as shopping centers, freeways, bridges, or elevators. This shifts responsibility for solutions away from yourself to the environment, which cannot always be controlled.
Trying to control people or situations you cannot really control. By doing this you are mentally hitting your head against the wall.
Trying to find relief through another person's presence. This shifts responsibility for solutions away from yourself to others. Promotes unhealthy dependency.

2. Think of several occasions when you overcame feeling anxious.

Key Point: Every time you have ridden the wave of anxiety to its crest, you have also ridden it down to the point of feeling comfortable again. How did you do it? What were your goals? This results in increased awareness of what has worked for you in the past.

3. Notice how your goals that resulted in feeling better had little, if anything, to do with directly trying to feel better. They usually focused on thinking or doing something, rather than on trying to feel better.

Examples of "Doing" goals:
Situation: Your heart is loudly pounding prior to giving a speech.
Doing Goal: Concentrate on notes and look at only a few friendly faces in the audience.
Situation: You break out in a cold sweat in the grocery store.
Doing Goal: Remind yourself you are still physically healthy and you only feel as though you are having a heart attack. Focus on finding the items on the shopping list and completing the purchase.
Situation: You have difficulty breathing while driving.
Doing Goal: Safely pull over and listen to soothing music until the emotional volcano finishes erupting and passes. Resume driving to destination.

4. Look for opportunities when you are not extremely upset to choose between a "Feeling" goal or a "Doing" goal in order to more readily comprehend their differences. When you pursue a "Feeling" goal, notice what is different from when you pursue a "Doing" goal.

Example: No matter how hard Lorraine tried to feel relaxed going shopping, she failed. In fact, the harder she tried to feel comfortable, the more uncomfortable she felt. Rather than trying so hard to feel comfortable, she switched to a "Doing" goal of simply getting the shopping done. With her new goal she succeeded just about every time. Although the anxiety did not immediately disappear, at least she felt good about accomplishing her main goal--doing the shopping.

5. Begin each day with a written list of "Doing" goals--goals you are going to pursue, regardless of how you feel.

Key Point: As you put less energy into trying to control or eliminate certain feelings, you will have more energy to do whatever you wish.

GO TO:
Next barrier: Fighting to Control Anxiety
Anxiety Chapter: Overview

Copyright @ John R. Fishbein, Ph.D. 2000 All Rights Reserved