Barrier 7: Trying Too Hard To Help Others

Thoughts:: "I've got to do something to help him."
"I can't stand to see him so unhappy."
Feelings:: Sympathy, frustration, resentment.
Actions:: Unnaturally altering normal routines, repeatedly talking about the same things, etc.

Please see DEPRESSION Barrier 10: "Trying Too Hard to Help Others".

SUCCESS STORY

Amy was a talented lady in her early thirties. She was active with family, part-time work, church, community service, and a regular program of jogging. Her physician said she was in perfect health--yet she was having horrible physical symptoms.

Amy explained to me how shocked she was when suddenly, while she was shopping, her heart started racing wildly, her breathing became difficult, and her body began perspiring. She went to the local emergency clinic on three separate occasions thinking she was having a heart attack. The doctor called her symptoms an "anxiety attack" and suggested she simply go home, try to relax, and perhaps see a therapist.

She was frustrated with so many well meaning people treating her trauma lightly. "Just go home and relax," they would tell her. She was already trying so hard to relax she was becoming anxious about not being able to do so. It is understandable how frightening it can be when you feel like your body is about to explode. Feeling like she was going to die did not change the medical fact that Amy was an extremely healthy lady. I assured her I had never heard of anyone dying from an anxiety attack even though the intensity of the symptoms would seem to suggest otherwise.

Although Amy understood what I was saying, she did not feel any better. She just wanted to know how to get rid of the extreme anxiety and make sure she never felt that way again. "There is a logical explanation behind every anxiety attack," I explained. Amy began to understand the anatomy of an anxiety attack. She then began to imagine how, shortly down the road, but not right away, she would have the necessary skills to become free from future anxiety attacks.

TRUSTING THE BODY'S NATURAL ABILITIES

First, it was necessary for Amy to once again trust her body's ability to recover from an emotional wave. She would know when her trust was regained because she would stop trying to make her emotional symptoms go away prematurely. I told her about a chronic knocking sound in my automobile engine. I too wanted it to go away, but I knew the noise was an early warning signal telling me something needed correction. The mechanic was not as concerned with the noise as I was because he knew how to listen and diagnose the problem. He then explained what corrections were necessary. Like the mechanic, I showed Amy how to listen to her anxiety and use it to help identify the things she could do to significantly improve her life and reduce anxiety.

REGAINING SELF-RELIANCE

A short time later, Amy bravely made an important decision. She decided if she started to get extremely anxious again, she would resist the temptation to call the doctor, or even her family. That was a big step. She had often put her husband and mother in the awkward position of being her crutch when what she really needed was to regain confidence in herself to get through the problem on her own. Fortunately, she allowed me to speak with her husband and mother. I encouraged them to support her in overcoming anxiety attacks by lovingly being unavailable if she had another attack.

"What if she called in a panicky state saying she needed them?" they asked. I suggested three things. First, tell her they love her; second, state their faith in her ability to weather the storm on her own; and the third and most difficult, tell her they will talk to her later and politely hang up the phone.

After a couple of weeks Amy succeeded in not being so anxious about having an anxiety attack. She certainly did not want another one, but more importantly, she was gaining confidence in her ability to weather another anxiety storm if necessary.

A REASSURING EXPERIENCE

Amy recalled an experience she had as a teenager with many parallels and solutions to her current situation. A six-foot wave had knocked her down at the beach and held her under the water for what seemed an eternity. She remembered being unable to breathe and feeling like she was going to drown. Since there was no way she could successfully fight the wave, she wisely decided to let herself be tossed around like a shirt in a washing machine, while she offered a short prayer pleading for help to be able to hold on till the wave passed. She went with it, rather than fighting it. Amy reassured herself that thousands of people survive after being pulled under by waves like this one. It seemed to last forever until, somehow, she finally found herself safely washed ashore.

Later on, she shared her frightening experience with others who had gone through similar situations and reflected on what she had learned. She found she had gone out too far from shore and had not been paying attention to the waves building in intensity. Amy realized how to avoid getting into difficulty again. I suggested whenever she thought about having an anxiety attack, or if she was actually having one, to reflect on her beach experience.

After a couple of more weeks, Amy felt she fully understood the logic behind her anxiety attacks and what was necessary to avoid getting in trouble again.

REBUILDING A BALANCED LIFE

At this point we looked at other areas in her life that were out of balance. She had a tendency to get overinvolved with people and activities. She decided to learn to say "No" to some of the many people and activities demanding her attention and time, in order to take better care of herself. At first she felt a little selfish and guilty but soon found ways to reasonably determine how much she could handle. Amy was well on the road to overcoming her problem.

I had not seen Amy for several months when she called me with a triumphant tone in her voice. She related how tempted she was to call me a few weeks earlier after becoming quite anxious about a burglary in her neighborhood while she was home alone. But she did not call. Her anxiety was understandably intense, but she said it did not get to the point of an anxiety attack. Amy had learned to manage herself and her circumstances. She saw the wave this time and rode it to shore.

A summary of the key principles and actions Amy and many others have utilized in overcoming anxiety attacks is provided next.Following is a brief summary of key principles and actions necessary to minimize anxiety and eventually eliminate anxiety attacks.

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Anxiety Chapter Overview

Copyright @ John R. Fishbein, Ph.D. 2000 All Rights Reserved