Barrier 1
Unclear Rules
for Communication
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "I expect
better communication, but
regardless of what I say or do,
he continues to communicate in
ways I consider inappropriate or
unacceptable."
"I
cannot stand it when he belittles
me, but if I walk away he'll get
mad at me."
- Feelings:
- Frustrated,
confused, inadequate, resentful.
- Actions:
- Participating in
conversations--actively or
passively--that are
non-productive or disrespectful.
Examples: (1) Continuing to talk,
even though he is not listening.
(2) Passively listening while he
speaks unkindly. (3) Speaking
unkindly because he. . . .
GENERAL
INFORMATION
Everyone
has his own personal rules or standards
for effective communication, whether
conscious of them or not. If you are not
aware of or comfortable with your
standards, you cannot take a stand or
have your stand respected. Consequently
effective communication becomes difficult
or impossible. Often, two people attempt
to communicate without clearly defined
and mutually agreed upon rules. Therefore
they inadvertently risk stepping on each
other's toes or, at the least,
communicating ineffectively.
Example: The
first time Curtis and Catherine came
to my office, Catherine explained at
length and in great detail about the
communication problems they were
having. Curtis hardly said a word.
Finally, when I asked for his
opinion, he began to explain,
"If I say something she does not
like, she mouths off--." She
quickly interjected, "I may
mouth off at times, but his mouth is
always off."
As
you and your companion clarify and agree
on the basic rules for effective
communication (the Three Rules For Good
Communication), a common barrier to
effective communication is removed.
STEPS TO
REMOVING THE BARRIER
- Consider what
will be different when you and
your companion are communicating
better. Think of times in the
past when communication was
successful. What was different
during those times?
Example:
As Lee struggled to recall times
when he and Joyce were not
arguing or avoiding each other,
he discovered some interesting
things. First, there actually
were times when they got along
better. Second, he came up with
some things he could do
differently to communicate
better. Third, he began to feel
more hopeful.
- Consider what
guidelines or standards you
believe to be absolutely
essential for effective
communication. You might find it
helpful to write down your ideas.
A good place to begin is with the
Three Rules for Good
Communication--Be kind, Be
Honest, and Have Constructive
Intent. Make sure you include any
additional rules you consider
essential for good communication
(such as discussing sensitive
topics only when hunger,
fatigue, and time are not
issues).
- Note:
If you are concerned that
certain conversations
tend to last longer than
you wish, try setting a
time limit (thirty
minutes or so).
- After you have
completed your list, go back and
elaborate on each item you
consider essential for good
communication. Be specific and
include examples. For instance,
what do you mean by kind? How
will you know when he is treating
you kindly?.
Example:
Walter was accustomed to telling
Carol what he thought she
"should" or
"shouldn't" do. In his
mind, there was nothing
disrespectful or unkind about his
language. Carol, however,
interpreted words like
"should,"
"must,"
"cannot," and
"have to," as coercive.
It was not a matter of who was
right. The important fact is that
effective communication can only
occur when both agree they
are being treated kindly.
Solution:
Either Walter uses different
words ("I prefer"
rather than, "You
should") or Carol can remind
herself his use of the word
"Should" is not
intended to be demanding or
coercive.
- After identifying
and clarifying your rules for
good communication, evaluate
yourself according to your own
standards. Notice where you are
doing well and where you would
like to improve.
- Before you share
your list with your companion,
invite him to read this chapter
and privately make up his own
rules for good communication.
Meanwhile, work on living up to
your own standards.
- After he has
completed his list, and if he is
willing, compare notes. If he
does not want to read this
chapter or make a list, but you
believe he has given some thought
to his guidelines, proceed
anyway.
- Caution:
If he is not clear on his
guidelines and you are
clear on yours, he may
feel he is being
controlled or
manipulated.
Remember:
As long as you are not trying to
control him, any feelings he may
have to the contrary do not
change the facts.
- In discussing
your rules, emphasize the
mutually agreed upon points.
- Important:
Do not assume you know
what the other means.
Remember the meaning of
"ASSUME"
(making an ASS out of U
and ME). Do not try to be
a mind reader no matter
how good you seem to be
at it. Instead,
ask questions. A good
question to ask is
"What do you mean by
that?" After you
both understand what each
other's rules are, you
will probably find them
quite similar.
Note:
Differences are more
likely to reflect
different points of view
toward the same thing
rather than fundamental
differences. One person
may provide a long,
highly detailed list
while the other provides
a short, concise list
covering the most
important points. If you
discover major
differences that cannot
be resolved in a mutually
satisfactory manner,
consider seeking
professional help. (See How To
Select A Therapist.)
- Whenever one of
you appears to be violating a
mutually agreed upon rule, signal
time-out--place hands together to
form a "T"--then kindly
point out the violation. If both
of you can agree and get back in
bounds, the discussion can
continue successfully; otherwise,
kindly postpone the discussion to
a later time. Agree in advance to
use the "time-out"
signal only when you sincerely
care about your companion and are
committed to improving the
relationship.
Result:
Calling time-out will be defined
as an act of love rather than
rejection or avoidance. Before
you know it, you will both fit
like a "T."
Example:
Ron: "Your
voice seems to be getting a
little loud. I think we're
getting outside of the `Three
Rules.'"
Kathy: "You
are right, I 'm sorry."
Conversation
continues.
Example:
Georgia: "I
get the feeling you are trying to
make me agree with you."
Mike: "You
know I am right when it comes to
disciplining the children."
Georgia (Time Out
signal): "Mike, I love you
and look forward to discussing
this matter when we both can be
more open-minded." Georgia
then politely left the room, even
though Mike wanted to continue
the "discussion."
Result:
Whether or not your companion
agrees with your methods, you
will eliminate arguments.
Important:
Do not forget to follow up on any
postponed discussions at a later
time.
With patience and
practice, you will find it easier
and easier to communicate by the
rules you have set.
GO TO:
Next barrier: Difficulty
Distinquishing Thoughts and Feelings from
Facts
Communication chapter:
Overview
|
|
