Barrier 2
Difficult Distinguishing
Thoughts and Feelings from Facts
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "This is the
way it is."
"She
does not know what she is talking
about."
- Feelings:
- Unusually strong
feelings attached to opinions.
- Actions:
- Difficulty
listening to and accepting
others' viewpoints.
Jumping
to conclusions.
Incorrectly
assuming you know what someone
else is thinking or feeling.
GENERAL
INFORMATION
In
order to communicate effectively, it is
necessary to clearly label an opinion an
opinion, a feeling a feeling, and a fact
a fact. Then facts are easily agreed
upon, which sets the stage for
respecting, understanding, and discussing
each others thoughts and feelings.
If,
however, you strongly believe that your
thoughts or feelings accurately represent
the facts when in fact they do not, it
becomes difficult, if not impossible, to
reason with yourself or with others. When
you observe another person's words and
actions and assume you know more than you
actually know (their private thoughts,
feelings, or motives), misunderstandings
will naturally result.
Consider,
for instance, two people discussing the
merits of a particular fruit, where one
is basing his opinions on apples and the
other is basing her opinions on oranges.
If each thinks they are talking about the
same fruit, try as they might, they will
not be able to understand each other's
opinions and feelings. He may talk about
enjoying the crunchiness of the fruit,
while she might insist it was not crunchy
at all, but rather, soft and juicy. He
may insist peeling the fruit was
optional, while she might think he was
crazy to think such a thing. They could
argue about the rightness or wrongness of
each other's opinion indefinitely and
still not understand or agree.
STEPS TO
REMOVING THE BARRIER
- Compare
situations where communication
seems successful versus
unsuccessful. Notice situations
where communication goes well and
opinions, feelings, and facts are
clearly differentiated and
labelled.
Examples:
Opinion stated
as fact: "It takes too
long to watch a baseball
game"
Better:
"It usually takes about
three hours for a nine-inning
baseball game to be played
[Fact]. That's longer than I am
comfortable with [Opinion]."
Opinion stated
as fact: "You are a
reckless driver."
Better:
"Although you have never
been in an accident, you do tend
to exceed the speed limit
[Facts], and I feel uncomfortable
when you do so
[Feeling/Opinion]."
Opinion stated
as fact: "You are a good
cook."
Better:
"I like the way you cook
[Opinion]."
- In your
conversations, practice clearly
labelling an opinion as an
opinion, a feeling as a feeling,
and a fact as a fact.
- Key
point: Use
words that indicate a
fact only when describing
objective facts. Watch
for the words listed
below which describe
thoughts and feelings,
and compare them to the
words that suggest fact.
| Thinking
and Feeling Words |
Fact
Words |
I
think...
I feel...
I like...
I believe...
I prefer...
It seems to me...
It appears to me...
It is apt...
It might...
My point of view...
My feeling is...
My opinion is...
|
It is...
You are...
I know...
You are feeling...
You are thinking...
|
For
additional information, please
see Core Principle 3:
Feelings versus Facts.
- Practice with
your companion distinguishing
thoughts and feelings from facts
-
- Agree to
practice on a topic you
have both had difficulty
discussing.
- Caution:
Do not select an
extremely controversial
situation.
- Agree on
the objective facts of
the situation. You may
wish to write down the
facts you come up with.
- Key
point:
Agreeing on the facts is
a basic and critical
element of effective
communication and
initially may take the
most effort. Discussing
thoughts and feelings
before you agree on the
facts is apt to be
counterproductive.
- Discuss
your thoughts and
feelings about those
facts, using the Three
Rules for Good
Communication (Be Kind,
Be Honest, and Have
Constructive Intent).
Result: As
you improve in distinguishing
thoughts and feelings from facts,
you will discover more
opportunities for agreement as
well as ways to disagree without
being disagreeable.
GO TO:
Next barrier: Difficulty
Distinguishing Between What You Can and
Cannot Control
Previous barrier: Unclear
rules for communication
Communication Chapter:
Overview
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