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Barrier 4

Difficulty Focusing Attention on Your Companion

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"I'd rather be doing something else, but I better at least look like I am paying attention. I can carry on a conversation while thinking about something else."

Feelings:

Torn between two or more conflicting interests; stress.

Actions:

Talking or listening to someone while thinking about or doing something else. Not looking at someone while they are talking.

GENERAL INFORMATION

Focusing your attention on the person with whom you are talking includes frequent eye contact, relevant comments, and avoiding distractions such as T.V., newspapers, and magazines. However, these actions alone--though important--are not enough to produce effective communication. It is also necessary to focus your thoughts and mental activity on the person. This is not always easy. Given all the pressures, responsibilities, interruptions, and distractions of life, it takes a great deal of effort and practice to give the quality of attention necessary to communicate effectively.

 

Example: Richard's wife and children liked to talk with him during breakfast. Although he loved his family deeply, he liked to read the newspaper during breakfast. His strategy was to do both at the same time. He could hear and answer their questions, while he also read the paper.

Problem: His family wondered how important they were to him, and he felt torn.

Solution: Do one or the other. Richard could put the paper down for a few minutes and give his family his undivided attention. Or he could ask them to allow him a few minutes to read the paper without interruption.

The amount of attention you give someone during a conversation can range from zero to one hundred percent. When you give one hundred percent of your attention, you will think, feel, and communicate better. In addition, the other person will be apt to feel and appreciate your full attention.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

1.  Monitor on a scale of zero to one hundred the percent of attention you are giving various people and situations in your life.

   Ask yourself, "How much attention am I giving to the current situation?"

   For instance, Richard might have answered seventy percent attention to the newspaper and thirty percent to the family. Consider how much attention you give in other situations (talking with a business associate, watching T.V., playing tennis, or listening to a sermon). Observe how the amount of attention you give varies depending on how much interest, energy, and self-discipline you have at the moment. Your increased awareness will allow you to give more attention to the current situation.

2. Give your companion permission to ask how much attention you are giving her at the moment.

   Example: While riding in the car, LaVonne was telling Robert about her day. LaVonne wondered how much attention he was paying to what she was saying. Rather than assuming he was or was not listening, she said, "Robert, how much attention are you giving to what I am saying?"

   Result: If Robert was not paying full attention, he might just begin to do so now that LaVonne has mentioned it. Or if he feels he really cannot fully listen at the moment, he could politely tell her he has so much on his mind he would rather talk later.

   Important: Make sure to follow-up with the conversation at a later time.

3. Your choice: If your companion has the habit of not giving his full attention, you can interpret his behavior as something he is doing "to me." This results in hurt feelings or anger, leading to fleeing or fighting. Or you can interpret his behavior as a difficulty he has with personal communication, even if he seems to have little or no trouble paying attention in other situations.
   1. Key point: Regardless of how you interpret his behavior, you have the right, if you wish, to participate only in conversations where both of you are giving your full attention.
4. When talking with your companion--especially when there is some discomfort or tension.

   Ask yourself, "How much attention am I giving to my companion versus the topic of discussion?"

   Example: One day when I was in graduate school, I was sharing some supposedly profound things I learned with my wife, Shelly. She listened intently for quite awhile. Then she told me she felt like I was giving a lecture--that I was more interested in the topic than with her. Her comment surprised me and I assured her she was certainly more important to me than whatever I was talking about. She was not convinced, however.

   I then took another look. I asked myself whether I was paying more attention to my topic or to her. I was humbled by my discovery. Despite my initial belief to the contrary, I was, in fact, more involved and excited about my ideas than I was about my wife at that moment.

5. Remind yourself that the person you are talking with at any given time is more important than whatever you are talking about. Of course, the topic or information is important, but your companion's thoughts, feelings, and your relationship is of greater importance.

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Communication Chapter: Overview