Barrier 6
Making Excuses
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "He can't
help it, because . . ."
- Feelings:
- Overly patient,
secretly resentful.
- Actions:
- Ignoring or
neglecting your own needs.
GENERAL
INFORMATION
Having
compassion for your companion's
communication difficulties is highly
commendable. If, however, you are making
excuses for any behavior outside of the
Three Rules for Good Communication or for
his avoidance of communication, you are
doing him a disservice. How is he going
to have a chance to accept responsibility
for how he communicates (or does not
communicate) when you are making excuses
for him? By providing excuses you are
tempting him to think you are the problem
and are somehow responsible for the
solution.
STEPS TO
REMOVING THE BARRIER
- Think about the
various reasons or excuses you
give for his poor communication.
Make a brief list of situations
where you and your companion are
having difficulties
communicating. Next to each
situation, write an excuse for
his behavior.
- During the next
week, observe the thoughts that
tend to go through your mind in
response to his undesirable
behavior. Notice how quickly and
creatively you can justify and
excuse his behavior.
- Try an
experiment. For one week,
whenever you start to think of an
excuse, remind yourself he is
responsible for his actions.
- Say
to yourself:
- "Regardless
of my imperfections and
life's challenges, he is
responsible for his
actions."
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- Observe your
reactions to the experiment.
- Caution:
Once you eliminate
excuses and recognize his
responsibility for his
behavior, you may find
yourself feeling more
frustrated and resentful
than before.
Solution:
Focus your attention on
what you can
control--mainly yourself
and your
responses--rather than on
his difficulties with
communicating.
- If he has not yet
accepted responsibility for his
behavior do not participate in a
fruitless debate trying to get
him to accept responsibility.
Instead, respect his right to
have his difficulties, even if he
does not realize or admit them.
Meanwhile, strive to live up to
your standards for good
communication.
Result:
You will provide him with the
best environment for objectively
examining himself and, hopefully,
reconsidering his view of how he
communicates.
GO TO:
Next barrier: Blaming
Yourself For Excessive Criticism
Previous barrier: Trying
To Get Your Companion To Communicate
Better
Communication Chapter
Overview
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