Barrier 7
Blaming Yourself
for Excessive Criticism
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "Something
must be wrong with me."
"He will not
talk to me or when he does, he is
critical. I must have done
something to cause this."
- Feelings:
- Guilty,
inadequate, confused.
- Actions:
- Constantly trying
to change yourself to satisfy
him.
GENERAL
INFORMATION
Your
actions and imperfections are, of course,
your responsibility. Even though your
actions provide a positive or negative
influence, his reactions to you,
regardless of whether you are behaving
reasonably or not, are first and foremost
his responsibility--not yours. No matter
how much you improve yourself, it is
still up to him to decide whether he
wishes to accept the responsibility of
looking at himself objectively and making
appropriate improvements.
Key pointt:
The more you blame yourself or think
that change on your part will cause
him to change, the easier you make it
for him to believe you are the
problem and he has no part in it.
- Common
question: "How do I know
if I am the problem or not?"
- Answer:
You can apply the "Rule of
One Hundred." Imagine that
one hundred reasonable people
witnessed something you or your
companion did.
- Ask
yourself:
- "Would
one hundred reasonable
people judge my behavior
or his behavior as
reasonable or
unreasonable?"
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- Common
question: "How do I know
if I am behaving in a reasonable
manner?"
- Answer:
Your responsibility is to
communicate so that a reasonable
person has a reasonable chance to
understand. It is not your
responsibility to make
someone understand.
STEPS
TO REMOVING THE BARRIER
- Continue working
to improve yourself in a
reasonable manner, not because
you are responsible for his
actions but because you are
responsible for your actions.
- For one week
observe how adept you are at
blaming yourself and accepting
responsibility for how he
communicates (or does not
communicate).
- Frequently remind
yourself of what you already
know: Even if you corrected the
main things he gets upset about,
there would probably be other
things to take their place.
- When he reacts by
refusing to talk or by talking in
an unkind way, practice reminding
yourself that his behavior (or
misbehavior) is his
responsibility--not yours.
- Say
to yourself:
- "His
behavior is his choice
and responsibility, not
mine?"
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- When he behaves
in an undesirable manner, do you
take it personally by thinking:
"He is doing it to me,"
or "He is doing it because of
me"? It is better to
simply remind yourself that
"he is doing it"
period!"
Example:
When Diane had hurt feelings, Tom
tended to become quiet and
withdrawn. Diane thought,
"Whenever I am upset, he
will not talk to me."
Better:
"Whenever I am upset, he
becomes quiet and
withdrawn." Notice how you
feel and tend to act when you add
the, "To me."
- If your automatic
reaction is to take his comments
personally, practice developing a
different response:
-
- Take
several 3 x 5 cards and
write something like:
- "His
undesirable behavior is
simply that -
unreasonable - not a
personal reflection on
me?"
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- Place the
cards where only you can
see them, at least a
dozen times a day.
- Whenever
you observe unreasonable
criticism or avoidance of
communication, whether
his or someone else's,
let your observation
serve as a trigger to
remind you of what is
written on the cards. Say
to yourself: "His
undesirable behavior is
simply
that--undesirable--not a
personal reflection on
me."
Result:The
more often he acts that way the
sooner you will stop taking his
actions personally.
Example:
Tim was frequently angry about
the money Dorothy spent on
counseling. One evening, after
his latest outburst, Dorothy
responded differently. She calmly
said, "One thing I got out
of all the money I spent is that
I now know you are not being rude
to me. You are just being
plain rude."
- Caution:
Usually it is better to
keep this new insight to
yourself, unless of
course, you believe it
would be helpful for him
to know.
GO TO:
Next barrier:
Basing Your Security Or Happiness
On Your Companion
Previous barrier:
Making Excuses
Communication
Chapter Overview
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