Barrier 8
Basing Your Security or
Happiness on Your Companion
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "How can I
feel secure when he spends more
time with work, church, or
recreation than he does with
me?"
"I
cannot be happy unless he . . .
"
- Feelings:
- Insecure, easily
upset.
- Actions:
- Walking on eggs
so as not to displease him.
Nagging.
GENERAL
INFORMATION
In
a close personal or family relationship
the natural inclination toward
self-reliance can deteriorate. There can
be a tendency for one or both parties to
lean a little too much on the other. This
can begin a slow, almost imperceptible,
erosion of a healthy sense of
independence and self-reliance. Without
self-reliance, it is difficult to
effectively communicate in an independent
and intimate manner.
- Example:
Prior to marriage, Dawn was
considerate of her family and
friends' feelings; nevertheless,
she made independent decisions
based on what she thought was
best. She was successful in
several leadership positions at
school and at church, where she
demonstrated the ability to
negotiate and make reasonable
decisions even if everyone did
not always agree. Yet in marriage
she adopted the misguided notion
that her happiness and security
somehow depended more on her
husband than upon herself. Peace
at any price became her motto.
- Result:
She became overly hesitant to
communicate clearly, and she
avoided taking any firm stands.
Her ability to confidently
discuss issues and to contribute
to making mutually agreeable
decisions became paralyzed.
- Key
point:
Like two pillars,
independently yet jointly
supporting a bridge, a
healthy relationship is
likewise supported by two
independent, self-reliant
people.
STEPS TO
REMOVING THE BARRIER
- Ask yourself
which is more important: good
communication with your companion
or managing yourself in a
healthy, well-balanced manner.
Obviously both are important, but
if you put communication ahead of
taking care of yourself, you will
inadvertently create a barrier to
better communication.
- Think of a time
in your life when you were
particularly independent and
self-reliant. You might even
write a brief description of a
poignant event during that time
in your life. For the next month,
review and try to relive that
event for a few minutes, three
times a day. This will encourage
you to stand up straight and not
lose your balance when he gets
off balance or withdrawn.
Result:
As you become more independent
and self-reliant, like a pillar
of a bridge, you will be in a
better position to promote good
communication.
- Whenever you
observe your companion behaving
in a way you do not like, remind
yourself that your first priority
is to manage your own life in a
well-balanced and reasonable way.
Although managing yourself better
will not cause your companion to
communicate better, you will
begin to feel better about
yourself and create an
environment more conducive to
good communication.
- When you are
frustrated by the lack of good
communication, A.C.T.:
- Acknowledge
your feelings and the
facts of the situation
("I am feeling
frustrated" and
"It is the way it
is: he is unable or
unwilling to communicate
any better for the time
being.")
- Consider
the available choices.
Broaden your range of
activities, develop more
friends, take a class,
exercise, read a book,
develop a hobby, or get
involved in church or
community activities so
you are not so dependent
on your companion for
happiness.
- Take
constructive action.
Caution:
If he decides to communicate
better (and hopefully he will),
be prepared to reevaluate your
schedule of activities to provide
enough time to work on improving
communication.
GO TO:
Next barrier: Not Knowing
How To Proceed With A Companion Who Will
Not Cooperate
Previous barrier: Blaming
Yourself For Excessive Criticism
Communication Chapter
Overview
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