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Barrier 9

Not Knowing How to Proceed with a Companion Who Will Not Cooperate

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"No matter what I do, he won't respond. So what do I do now?"

Feelings:

Trapped, frustrated.

Actions:

Fighting, withdrawing, or continuing as usual.

GENERAL INFORMATION

Sometimes, even after removing the barriers that get in the way of communicating better, a companion does not seem to be making any progress. While remembering it is his choice to work toward better communication or not, you can still do some things to increase the chances of him reconsidering.

Key point: Make sure any steps you take are free from any intent to control or get others to communicate better. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of this. The recommended steps are intended to help you maintain your integrity and allow you to kindly and firmly exercise your right to only communicate within the rules you have set--not force others to change. However, it is all right, to hope others will respond in a cooperative manner.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

1. Write your companion a letter--again, if you have already done so--including:
   
   • What you appreciate about him.
   • Your concerns about developing and implementing some mutually agreed upon rules for communication.
   • Your hopes for better communication.
   • An invitation to respond in any way he prefers (in a letter, in person, or over the phone).
2. If, after patient, respectful and persistent efforts, he still seems unwilling to discuss and agree on rules for effective communication, you have an important decision to make:
   
   • First, to continue participating, whether actively or passively, in conversations where one or both of you are acting outside of your rules.

     Result: Possible illusion of harmony despite unsatisfactory communication.

   • Or second, only participate in conversations where both of you are adhering to the rules you have set.

     Result: Probably less communication with some disharmony to begin with until new habits are developed.

     Common Concern: "If I stick to my guidelines, we will hardly ever talk."

     Answer: It is much better, at first, to talk successfully less often than to continue talking ineffectively more often.

3. If your companion repeatedly violates one or more of your guidelines, even after you have asked him not to, it may be necessary to take some practical, though possibly unpleasant and unpopular steps.

   Common Question: "How do you deal with a companion persisting in unreasonable behavior?"

   Answer: The answer is simple but surprising: "You do not." To attempt to reason with someone who is being unreasonable--is unreasonable. To even sit passively while your companion continues to act unreasonably is like applauding bad behavior. You unwittingly encourage it.

THREE STEPS FOR NOT DEALING WITH UNREASONABLE BEHAVIOR

 

Step 1:

Kindly make a true, objective statement.

 

Example: "Ted, for the last three minutes you have blamed me for your unhappiness, told me I was incompetent as a person and as a wife, and have done so loudly enough for our neighbors to hear. I will not sit here and listen to this for one more minute."

If his response is reasonable, good communication could, perhaps, proceed. Otherwise, go on to Step 2.

Step 2:

Politely end the "conversation."

Key point: Say something kind before you postpone the conversation.

 

Example: "Ted, I love you and want to finish our discussion at a later time when we are both able to talk in a more respectful manner." Do not be surprised if he does not appreciate your polite exit, but at least you lived up to your standards. Even if he accuses you of running away or causing the communication problems "because you are so . . . ," do not take the bait and get hooked. If you do, you will be promoting the very thing you object to by communicating outside of your own rules for good communication.

Key Point: When arguing has become a habit in a relationship, ceasing to argue creates a temporary void. Strive to fill the void by doing positive things (leaving a loving note on the car seat, taking a walk, or going out for ice cream).

Step 3:

Follow up later on the postponed discussion. Whether within a week, several days, or a few hours, kindly approach your companion and let him know of your desire to politely discuss and resolve the previously postponed discussion.

 

Example: "Linda, I know things didn't go so well when we tried to talk about . . . , but I would like to try again when you are willing."

Sometimes, at first, it is easier to write a little note or talk over the phone, rather than talk face-to-face.

Caution: If your intent or motive in taking any of these steps is to make your companion communicate better, you are out of line. A more constructive purpose is to exercise your right to set and live up to your guidelines or standards for good communication and to give your companion the opportunity to do so or not to do so--hoping, of course, he will.

SUCCESS STORY

Lila loved her husband very much but was saddened and frustrated because they rarely talked. They could talk about superficial things but not about things that really mattered without Brent getting upset. She said he was a good man but somewhat insensitive to her feelings. Often Brent saw Lila as too emotional. He had no problem communicating as an executive who managed complex international negotiations for a large Silicon Valley corporation. But no matter how hard he tried, he could not seem to understand his wife's feelings. She would become frustrated and get down on herself or come on too strong with him.

Lila told me Brent was not willing to come in for counseling since he sincerely believed he was an expert in communication. Besides, he believed she was the one who had the problem anyway. "How have you been able to put up with such a lack of communication for so many years?" I asked. Lila explained that at first she thought his lack of communication was due to the stress of a new job. Then, as the children came along, she thought perhaps the strain of family life was a little too much for Brent. She just kept hoping things would get better--but they did not.

HESITATING TO TAKE A STAND

"Do you have the right to expect better, more personal communication from your husband?" I asked. She hemmed and hawed and finally said, "Yes, but I can't stand it when he gets so mad at me." She was more concerned about avoiding his wrath than taking concrete steps to promote better communication. I suggested that we did not want to intentionally upset him. However, if he easily got upset when asked to do something with which he was uncomfortable, she might expect him to feel upset when she asked him to communicate better at home.

I could see Lila had very little practice asking Brent to do something he might feel uncomfortable doing. I explained she had not given her husband a fair chance to deal with his discomfort and decide, perhaps, that he might want to learn to communicate as effectively at home as he does at work. She would not even allow him a good, healthy week or two to get beyond feeling upset before she would go back to reluctantly accepting things as they were. Sometimes, after he had been upset for a few days, she would feel so guilty or anxious, she would try extra hard to please him so they could once again have a good feeling between them, even though the original problem was being pushed under the rug.

At other times Lila would get so frustrated with his lack of communication that she would unwittingly do things to get a reaction out of him even if it was a negative reaction. She might burn his steak, say something stupid, or argue unreasonably. Her manner of dealing with her frustration and disappointment only strengthened his belief that she was not nearly as rational as he was.

REGAINING SELF-RELIANCE

Before Lila could learn to stand firm in a kind and respectful manner, it was necessary to rediscover what she had forgotten about herself since her marriage (that she was a basically self-reliant and independent person). I asked her to repeatedly remind herself that although she wanted her husband to be happy, his happiness was not the foundation of her life. Within a couple of weeks she was ready to take action.

Lila was not sure, however, whether she was willing to risk experiencing some current disharmony in exchange for the possibility of better communication in the future. As we talked, it became clear she had traded her former sense of self-reliance and independence for the illusion of marital harmony. As long as she did not require a reasonable level of communication, Brent seemed content. She agonized over whether to take a stand or continue to tolerate a substandard relationship. Finally, Lila decided it was unhealthy for Brent, the children, as well as herself, to continue pretending all was well.

TAKING A FIRM, LOVING STAND

Even before saying anything to Brent, some important changes were taking place in the way they communicated. Lila had drawn a line. She was no longer willing to accept the way they communicated (or did not communicate). She knew she did not have the right to try to make Brent change, but she did not have to put up with things the way they were. No longer would she pretend all was well or try so hard to get him to talk that she ended up looking like she had the problem. Brent was beginning to sense something was different. Her determination not to settle for less, despite her fears and anxieties, sent a new and clear signal to Brent that the current level of communication was unacceptable.

Next, she invited Brent out for a business lunch--a marital business lunch. She had three objectives for their meeting: (1) tell him how much she loved him; (2) share her concerns about the lack of quality in their communication; and (3) share her hopes for more frequent and personal conversations. The lunch went well, but after a few weeks Brent was back to being as critical or aloof as usual.

Lila wanted to know if there was anything else she could do. I reminded her of the importance of respecting Brent's right to not communicate better if that were, indeed, his choice. "There is more you can respectfully do if he continues to be unresponsive," I assured her. I warned her, however, when Brent realized she meant what she said about only talking with him when they both adhered to the Three Rules for Good Communication (Be Kind, Be Honest, and Have Constructive Intent), he might mistakenly think she was trying to control him or make him change.

I cautioned Lila, "If your intent is to make him change, you are out of line, and your attitude could contaminate and sabotage the otherwise constructive things you are doing." If, however, her intent was to strengthen the relationship, send Brent clear signals, and kindly stand up for what she believed in, she would be creating a healthy opportunity for change. She assured me her intentions were constructive and respectful of his rights.

I then gave Lila some specific actions to take, if, after kindly and lovingly doing everything else she could think of, he still did not cooperate. I suggested she: (1) let him know of her love, her concerns about their communication, and her hopes for a better relationship; (2) without becoming grumpy or aloof, cease joking, hugging, kissing, or otherwise doing things dishonestly suggesting she was satisfied with the relationship; (3) keep busy doing constructive activities, including something just for herself; and (4) verbally or in writing, regularly reaffirm her love for him and her commitment to the relationship.

RESPONDING TO THE CHANGES

It was difficult for Lila to remain strong and pleasant at the same time, but she worked very hard at it. Brent's initial response was to communicate even less. Then, after a few weeks, he became very upset as he incorrectly believed she was trying to change him. He said some cruel and upsetting things that in the past would have caused Lila to cave in. This time, fortunately for both of them, she did not take his comments personally, realizing he was having difficulty with the changes she was making.

After about two months of counseling with Lila, I was pleased to receive a call from Brent. I was impressed with his courage and humility. Here he was, a powerful executive who prided himself on being able to resolve even the most complex management and corporate negotiations, asking for help in communicating better with his wife. Brent told me that at first he thought Lila had a problem. Then after she began counseling he thought maybe the counselor had a problem. But, after awhile he realized that Lila was not trying to change him but was doing what she thought best for her and their relationship. She even seemed happier and more in control of herself.

Brent confided he had never felt comfortable dealing with emotions. As a child he had not been raised in a very open and warm family environment. He was taught to be responsible and work hard but not how to communicate intimately in a family setting--especially if there were differences of opinion accompanied by strong feelings. I found it especially easy to point out to him the principles of communication he had so effectively mastered in the business world, and then show him how to transfer those skills into his own home. We set some specific goals and laid out a plan of action he began to implement immediately.

WORKING TOGETHER AGAIN

Brent made great progress and within a month I suggested Lila join us to begin the final phase of the marital therapy. She was thrilled when Brent thanked her for sticking to her guns. He added that if she had not been so nice, he did not think he would have responded so well.

Then to further strengthen their marriage and communication skills, I suggested instead of continuing to see me, they arrange to hold a weekly Marital Council Meeting. The guidelines I gave them are included in the chart below.

Lila and Brent left excited and optimistic about using a weekly Marital Council Meeting to continue their progress in improving their communication skills.

In many relationships where there is a lack of communication, the problems can be successfully worked on and resolved without professional help. Even when only one companion is willing to acknowledge a problem, that person can, just by removing the barriers he has control over, dramatically increase the possibilities of developing a better relationship. If you kindly hold firm to what you believe is right, your partner usually (though not always) will respond--sooner or later.

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