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Summary

A brief summary of key principles and actions necessary to overcome communication difficulties is provided.

KEY PRINCIPLES

• Anyone can learn to communicate effectively.
• Thoughts and feelings do not change facts
• When two people adhere to the Three Rules for Good Communication (Be Kind, Be Honest, and Have Constructive Intent) they can discuss almost anything in a sensitive and productive manner.
• Any intent, let alone action, designed to control another person is disrespectful and unhealthy for the relationship.
• Making excuses for your companion or blaming yourself for his undesirable behavior only serves to support the behavior and increase the likelihood that it will continue.
• Like two pillars independently yet jointly supporting a bridge, a healthy relationship is likewise supported by two independent, self-reliant people.
• You do have the right to do what you think is right, regardless of what someone else may think.
• When you give 100% of your attention to the person you are talking with, you will think, feel, and communicate better. In addition, the other person will be apt to feel and appreciate your full attention.
• To attempt to reason with someone who is being unreasonable, is unreasonable.

KEY ACTIONS

• Determine your minimum standards or guidelines for good communication, including the Three Rules for Good Communication.
• Practice clearly labelling an opinion as an opinion, a feeling as a feeling, and a fact as a fact. When in doubt, ask yourself, "What are the facts that support this feeling?"
• With your companion, mutually agree on the rules within which you are both willing to participate in a conversation.
• Participate in a conversation only when you both agree to it and only when you are both acting within the rules previously agreed upon.
• In any given situation, especially when someone is upset, practice focusing on what you can control versus what you cannot control.
• Monitor the percent of attention you are giving to the person you are conversing with on a scale of 0 to 100 percent. Strive to give all of your attention whenever possible.
• When talking with someone, focus more on what you can give (your thoughts, feelings, and understanding) as opposed to what you would like to get (some common "get" positions are to "get" him to change his thoughts or feelings and "get" him to understand you).
• When your companion persists in unreasonable behavior, consider taking three steps: (1) kindly make a true, objective statement; (2) politely end the conversation by leaving; and (3) follow-up later on the postponed conversation.
• Consider holding a weekly Marital Council Meeting to discuss what you appreciate about each other, as well as the improvements you both desire in the relationship, and specific plans to improve.

  Reminder: Be sure to review the Central Principles section. Identify the principle(s) not effectively being utilized. Then take the appropriate steps to apply the principle(s).

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Communication Chapter Overview