Barrier 3: Can vs. Can't Control

Difficulty Distinguishing Between What You Can and Cannot Control

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"If I improve myself--lose some weight or something--then he will be more interested in talking to me.

"I will not criticize her for one week, then she will be more affectionate."

"After all I have done, why isn't he more sensitive and open?"

Feelings:

Helpless, easily upset, overly confident that all is well

Actions:

Trying too hard to make communication go just right. Taking on too much or too little responsibility for communication.

GENERAL INFORMATION

In any relationship, there is a line that divides what you can control from what you cannot control. When that line is clear and each person takes responsibility for what he can control, effective communication is encouraged. When that line is unclear, a person often mistakenly focuses on and attempts to control things he cannot control. Besides obvious and disrespectful methods of manipulation, there is another type of control that is often unconscious and unintentional but just as damaging. This type of control is not a visible behavior; it occurs in the mind. It most often occurs when you believe you are responsible for causing or controlling what someone else thinks, feels, or does.

Result: Mental and emotional energy needlessly go down the drain and a power struggle often results over who controls what.

Example: When Sara is angry, she believes Todd made her feel that way. Her only options then are to fight or flee. She mistakenly focuses on Todd's behavior, which she cannot control, thinking he must change in order for her to feel better. A solution would be to focus on what you can do to contribute to better communication or, at the very least, not to make poor communication worse.

Thinking about trying to control someone you cannot control is like banging heads. You hurt not only yourself, but your companion as well. Whether your companion is conscious of your intentions or not, he will likely feel you are trying to control him even when your actions are above reproach.

Example: Laverne worked very hard all week long not to complain about anything to Ray.

Mistake: She believed controlling her behavior--a commendable thing to do--would somehow cause Ray to better control his behavior.

Example: James was determined to have peace in his home no matter what. He would not talk about anything he thought Melinda might get upset about.

Mistake: He was trying to promote peace--a worthwhile objective--by preventing Melinda from becoming upset.

Result: They talked very little or superficially; problems mounted rather than being resolved and Melinda felt James did not care about her feelings.

Fact: James cared so much about Melinda's feelings that he was carrying responsibility for controlling them.

Key point: It is the underlying motive, purpose, or intent of a your actions as well as the actions themselves that are so often controlling.

People who try to overcome behaving in controlling ways often fail because they only attempt to restrain their actions rather than examine and correct their underlying intentions. Those who rarely behave in controlling ways but who nevertheless have controlling thoughts tend to ignore or resist any suggestions that they are being controlling. Hence, they have difficulty improving how they communicate.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

When you are thinking about a situation with your companion where one or both of you are upset, focus your attention on what you can control rather than on what you cannot control.

Ask yourself:: "What aspects of this situation can I control and what aspects can't I control?"

Briefly describe the facts of the situation on paper as a video camera would record them (no opinions, feelings, or interpretations). Then draw a line down the center of the paper. On one side of the line write aspects of the situation you can control, and on the other side aspects you cannot control.

Example: Ken arrived home one hour later than he promised. Irene was upset. With a harsh voice, she said, "I've been waiting for over an hour. You are so selfish and inconsiderate that I can't believe I put up with you." Ken was confused and upset. With all the self-control he could muster, he politely told Irene he would be willing to discuss the matter after dinner when, hopefully, they could both talk within the Three Rules for Good Communication. He then left the room. To help him straighten out his thinking, he made a list of what he could and could not control in the situation.

Ken's List

Can Control	Cannot Control
The time I say I'll be home When I leave for home Whether or not I call if I am going to be late Whether or not I apologize How I react to Irene's behavior	Traffic conditions Irene's mistaken belief that I do not care about her feelings Her blood pressure Her voice tone Her belief that I am responsible for how she is feeling

Result: By drawing a clear and detailed line between what Ken could and could not control, he was able to relieve himself of accepting responsibility for the things he could not control while more fully accepting responsibility for the things he could control. He was excited to discover that he did not have to argue, defend, or condemn himself when Irene was upset. Instead, he decided to concentrate on being prompt and kindly postponing unhealthy conversations even though Irene misunderstood and felt upset at first.

Consider some of the things bothering you about the way you and your companion communicate. On another piece of paper with a line down the center, put the things you can control on one side of the line and the things you cannot control on the other side.

Select one thing on your list that bothers you that you can control. Make and implement a plan for doing something about it.

When you find yourself dwelling on some aspect of communication you cannot control, watch what happens; do not try to change your thinking at first. Just notice the consequences. Note especially how you tend to feel and act.

Examine your thoughts, especially when you or your companion are feeling uncomfortable or agitated. Practice distinguishing your controlling thoughts from your respectful thoughts. Be careful! Controlling thoughts--like counterfeit money--often look and feel like the real thing, but they are not.

Controlling: "If I do what he wants, then he will do what I want."

Respectful: "If I do what he wants, there is an increased likelihood or probability, he will choose to do what I want him to."

Controlling: "If I act a certain way, then he will feel a certain way."

Respectful: "If I act a certain way, he is more likely to feel . . ."

Controlling: "I upset him."

Respectful: "I am responsible for my actions, and he is responsible for his reactions."

Result: By increasing your awareness of whether you are focusing on what you can or cannot control and the results that follow, your mind will naturally tend to focus more on things you can control.

Warning: Just because your companion thinks or feels you are trying to control him does not necessarily mean you are doing so.
Key point: Feelings do not change facts. Nevertheless, if your companion is feeling controlled, carefully examine your thoughts and underlying motives to see if anything is amiss.

When you are dwelling on things you cannot control ask yourself, "Do I really want to be thinking about this?" If not, practice thinking about or doing something you do have control over.

Result: You will create an environment where, in time, better communication is much more likely.