Barrier 1
Self-defeating
Goals
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "I am going
to get rid of these
feelings."
"I
am never going to feel that
depressed again."
- Feelings:
- Frustration,
discouragement, short-lived
optimism.
- Actions:
- Lots of
self-analysis. Looking for a
quick fix.
GENERAL
INFORMATION
Some
goals encourage success while other goals
interfere with progress, even leading to
unintentional failure. No matter how well
you succeed in fulfilling some goals, the
desired result may still not be achieved.
For example, you can obtain a good income
but still not feel very secure.
Two
of the most common and natural goals are
to feel good and to do
good. Unfortunately, these two goals are
often in conflict with each other.
Sometimes you may be doing something you
consider to be "good," (getting
out of bed in the morning, obeying the
speed limits, or fulfilling an unpleasant
responsibility) while at the same time
not feeling good. Or you may be doing
something that feels good that you do not
consider to be good (turning the alarm
off and going back to sleep, having a
second helping of desert, or yelling at
an inconsiderate driver). Fortunately,
there are also occasions without conflict
when you are doing something you consider
"good," and at the same time,
feeling good.
Rather
than trying so hard to feel good, it is
better--and generally feels better--to
focus on doing good things. The
goal of doing good things is
solid, clear, and manageable. The
benefits are two-fold: first, you
accomplish something tangible, and
second, you feel good about what you
accomplished. If you fail to accomplish a
worthwhile thing, you may feel badly
about it, but you can still know
your worth as a person is just as solid
as ever. The security of that knowledge
allows you to be more objective and
patient with yourself and others.
The
happiest and most successful people,
therefore, set a higher priority on doing
good than on feeling good. They
place about 90% of their attention and
effort on doing good and only about 10%
on feeling good. Not that they do not
enjoy feeling good--everyone wants to
feel good--but they have discovered the
important irony of feeling good: feeling
good is more the by-product of doing good
than the product of trying to feel
good.
When
you place greater emphasis on feeling
good than on doing good, there is a
natural, though counterproductive,
tendency to try to directly control
emotion. The "feeling" goal of
trying to control or eliminate certain
feelings, for example, usually results in
more intense feelings. Like the flu,
depression does not subside any faster by
dwelling on it. In fact, the more you
think about feeling crummy, the worse you
usually feel.
Turning
inward and focusing on pain, whether
physical or emotional--although the
natural thing to do--usually makes you
feel worse. Instead, set goals to do
specific things. "Doing" goals
such as learning a skill, getting a job,
cleaning a room, or calling a friend are
not only more likely to be accomplished,
they frequently result in better
feelings. The process of
accomplishing "doing" goals,
however, does not always feel good.
When
you are struggling with feeling
depressed, for example, and set the goal
"to not feel depressed,"
several surprising problems begin. First,
the more you think about not
feeling depressed, the more depressed you
are apt to feel about feeling depressed.
Second, the more you dwell on your
feelings, the less energy you have
available for thinking about and doing
something constructive. Third, since
emotion is constantly in motion, as well
as a highly subjective experience,
accurate and objective measurement is
difficult.
Barbara,
for example, suffered a great deal of
depression for several years and never
saw herself making any progress, despite
consistent and sincere effort. The first
time Barbara came to my office she told
me of her problem and disappointing lack
of progress. She was excited about the
suggestions and homework assignments I
gave her and left with increased hope and
confidence.
She
returned a week later, noticeably less
depressed, only to announce she had
failed once again. Rather than focusing
on her feelings, I asked her what she did
on her homework. She reported significant
progress and success on her assignments.
Then why did she feel she failed? Her
criteria for success was whether or not
she still felt at all depressed.
Since she still felt some degree of
depression, she thought--and therefore
felt--she had failed.
My
criteria for her success was whether or
not she improved her thinking and
behavior. Since she did improve in those
areas, I thought--and therefore felt--she
had succeeded. Because she based her
measure of success on the fickle ups and
downs of feeling, she failed to notice
the many times she was on the road to
success. As she shifted her emphasis more
to doing than to feeling, she not only
did much better, she soon began to feel
better.
STEPS TO
REMOVING THE BARRIER
- Notice if your
reaction to feeling depressed is
to escape!
Problem:
The attempt to escape from
unpleasant feelings usually
creates additional difficulties
as well as compounds the initial
feelings. Consider whether you
use any of the common, though
counterproductive, methods of
escape listed below.
Counterproductive
Methods of Escape
- Eating
- Sleeping
- Drinking
- Using
drugs
- Ignoring
feelings
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- Analyzing
feelings
- Avoiding
responsibility
- Withdrawing
from people
- Trying to
force the feeling to go
away
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- Although you may
be more accustomed to remembering
times you felt depressed, there
are just as many times you have
come through the storm of
depression to a beautiful, clear
day. How did you do it? Think
about it!
Example:
Carl had a tendency to feel
depressed--usually for one to
three days--when life seemed
particularly stressful or
difficult to him. He was
convinced he did not have any way
to prevent or escape from the
feelings of depression. After he
gave me a few examples of times
he felt down, I asked him how
many times he would guess he felt
depressed in his life. He said
there were too many to count, but
at least several hundred times,
if not a lot more.
I told him I was
amazed. "You mean," I
said, "You have climbed out
of the pit of depression several
hundred times in your life. You
are really good at getting out of
feeling depressed. How do you do
it?" He was shocked at first
to consider such a perspective
but then shortly began to
discover he did have the power
within himself to not only
overcome depression, but to
prevent it in many cases.
Result: By
remembering and focusing on how
you climbed out of the pit of
depression, you will identify
successful principles and
techniques that will be of great
benefit to you.
-
 Notice
during the times you were
climbing out of the pit of
depression that you were doing
two essential things: first,
acknowledging to yourself the
fact that you felt depressed, and
second, continuing to actively
participate in your usual
activities, as well as striving
to improve something in your
life. Perhaps you were working at
becoming better organized,
accomplishing something you were
procrastinating, or increasing
your activity level.
- Notice you
generally have two desires or
goals in response to feeling
depressed:
-
- Feeling
better.
- Doing
better.
- Key
Point:
Although feeling better
and doing better are
certainly both desirable,
you will find yourself
placing greater emphasis
on one or the other.
- Think again of
the many times you have climbed
out of the pit of depression.
During those more successful
efforts, were you placing greater
emphasis on doing better or
feeling better?
- Seek to establish
concrete, measurable, reachable
goals. For example you can
fulfill your daily
responsibilities, despite how you
feel. You can think more about
what you are doing, rather than
how you are feeling. You can take
thirty minutes each day and do
something you consider good for
yourself.
Reason:
You can more objectively--and
beneficially--measure your
progress when 90% of the
measurement is based on specific
changes in behavior, and only 10%
of the measurement is based on
changes in feelings. Emotion can,
of course, be a useful catalyst
to reevaluate performance, but it
is usually not the most
constructive criteria to use in
measuring performance to begin
with.
- Key
Point: Do
not use feelings as the
primary measure of
performance.
- Begin each day
with a written list of
"doing" goals--things
you are going to do today,
regardless of how you feel. Put
at least six easy things on your
list you would like to accomplish
today.
Examples:
- Get out
of bed at 6 a.m.
- Make the
bed.
- Take a
shower.
- Eat
breakfast.
- Leave for
work by 7:30.
As you complete
each task, check it off your
list. Even if you are not aware
of feeling better right away, at
least you know you are
accomplishing some things.
Be patient!
Feeling good often lags behind
doing good. If you finish your
list before the day is over,
start a new list. By focusing on
doing things, rather than feeling
things, you not only see
progress, but eventually you will
begin to feel better.
Remember:
By putting less energy into
trying to analyze, control, or
eliminate feelings, more energy
is available for doing whatever
you consider worthwhile, which
will eventually lead you to feel
better.
- Key
Point:
Goals that result
eventually, if not
immediately, in feeling
better are usually
"doing" goals,
rather than
"feeling"
goals.
GO TO:
Next barrier: Depressed
About Feeling Depressed
Depression Chapter
Overview
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