Barrier 10
Trying Too Hard
to Help Others
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "I've got to
do something to help him."
"I can't stand to see him so
unhappy."
- Feelings:
- Sympathy,
frustration, resentment.
- Actions:
- Unnaturally
altering normal routine,
repeatedly talking about the same
things, etc.
GENERAL
INFORMATION
When
someone is hurting, it is only natural to
want to help relieve the pain to whatever
extent possible. If a person has a
painful stomachache, for example, he can
be given understanding and perhaps a
little advice and encouragement, but not
much else. Accepting the obvious
limitations of how much help can be given
is not difficult in such cases.
When
someone is experiencing severe emotional
pain, however, there is often a tendency
to try to give more help than is possible
or even helpful. Attempting to help a
person do something he can only do for
himself can create confusion over who is
responsible for what. The
"helper" often ends up carrying
too much responsibility, while the person
who could benefit from accepting full
responsibility is actually weakened by
retaining too little. Generally, the most
beneficial thing to do is to genuinely
believe in the other's ability to solve
his own problem.
STEPS TO
REMOVING THE BARRIER
- When someone you
care about is feeling depressed,
think of what you can control
versus what you cannot control.
Result:
Knowing the differences will
allow you to put more energy into
the appropriate areas so you can
truly be of help. Draw a vertical
line down the center of a piece
of paper. On one side of the
line, list what you can control,
on the other side of the line,
list what you cannot control.
Example:
| Can
Control |
Cannot
Control |
- Expressing
concern and understanding
- Having
faith and confidence in his
ability to solve his
problems
- Expecting
him to continue acting as
a responsible manager
- Managing
my own thoughts,
feelings, and actions
|
- His
thoughts
- His
feelings
- His
actions
|
- Notice the intent
or motive underlying your
actions. Is your main purpose to
give him the best possible
environment and opportunity to
progress or to get him to feel,
think, and act better?
- Key
Point: You
can control what you give
in a relationship that
may influence the other
person, but you cannot
control what he chooses
to do--or what you get in
return.
- Practice showing
respect for his right to feel
upset, even if he believes he is
not responsible for how he feels.
- Say
to yourself:
- "He
does, after all, have the
right to feel depressed,
as well as the right to
do something about
it."
|
Result:
By giving what you can, rather
than trying to do more and
becoming a crutch, you give him
the best opportunity to learn and
progress.
- You may be
thinking, "But he doesn't
have the right to make me
miserable." That is true,
and as you learn to do only what
is reasonable for him--but no
more than that--you will not be
as entangled in his problem. He
will be freer to find his
solutions, though he may not feel
so at first, and you will be free
to go about your business (go
into the other room to read,
leave the house to go shopping,
visit a friend and so forth).
- Do not try to
reason with him if he is talking
or acting in an unreasonable
way--to do so is unreasonable. Do
positive and constructive things
with him (take a walk, go see a
movie, talk about uplifting
things, etc.).
- Caution:
Even talking about
feeling upset in a
reasonable way for more
than a few minutes is
rarely productive. It
tends to prolong or
intensify the depression.
- If he wishes to
discuss reasonable ideas and
plans for self-improvement,
proceed gently without rushing
him toward a solution.
- Caution:
Rarely give advice. Be
careful not to tread on
his opportunity and right
to progress in his own
way and time.
- Continue to live
your life as normally as
possible. Do not make major
changes in your routine such as
reducing or eliminating your
out-of-home activities or staying
by the phone in case he calls).
- Continue to
expect (not force) him to perform
his usual responsibilities,
despite how he feels.
Reason:
Lowering your expectations or
making unusual allowances tends
to convey a lack of confidence in
his abilities, inadvertently
encouraging additional
depression.
Key Point:
By caring for someone who is
upset, without carrying
responsible for their happiness,
you give them the best
environment and opportunity to
climb out of their pit of
depression--without getting stuck
in it yourself.
SUCCESS
STORY
The
only reason Audrey came to my office was
because her husband strongly encouraged
her to do so. She came reluctantly. She
was a very loving person who spent many
hours each day in service to her family,
church and community. Although she
admitted she was so depressed she could
hardly continue to function, she insisted
she did not have time to be depressed
because so many people were depending on
her. By keeping so busy taking care of
others, she had hidden her pain from just
about everyone--including herself. She
politely, almost desperately, pleaded
with me to quickly do something to
relieve her of feeling so miserable.
It
was obvious Audrey was so upset about
being depressed, she had become
"depressed about being
depressed." Before she could begin
to solve her problem it was necessary to
remove the second layer of depression. I
suggested she give herself permission to
fully experience pure, unadulterated
depression. She said, "That's
ridiculous. I'm already doing that too
well already." The fact was, she was
trying so hard to ignore and cover up how
she was feeling, she was stuck feeling
depressed.
REMOVING
THE SECOND LAYER OF DEPRESSION
Audrey
was spending so much energy fighting the
fact she was depressed, she did not have
enough energy left to learn what could be
done to put her life in better balance.
She did not quite understand this line of
thinking. She thought I was suggesting
she stop acting responsibly, and instead,
mope around looking miserable. I
explained, "Your initial feelings of
depression are like a person
unintentionally stepping into a mud
puddle. Your second layer of depression
is like this person remaining in the mud
puddle and stomping his feet up and down
because he hates mud."
Depression
is so unpleasant that it is
understandable a person would not want to
think about it. While some people magnify
feeling depressed by dwelling on their
pain, others find a way to cover it up.
Some use food, alcohol, or drugs to mask
the pain. Others spend an inordinate
amount of time at work, away from their
personal challenges. Audrey was doing
something constructive--serving
others--in part because she loved people
but also as a way to ignore her pain.
In
order to help Audrey first acknowledge
and accept the fact that she was indeed
feeling quite depressed, I asked her to
do the following: "Go home and
announce to your family you are feeling
overloaded and depressed, and for two
days you are going to do a little less
than usual." At first, she balked,
explaining she had to take care of her
family. I told her if she would just rest
up a little and stop telling herself she
could not stand feeling depressed, she
would then be able to get back to just
dealing with the initial feelings of
depression. As Audrey left my office that
day she was upset at me for telling her
to just feel depressed rather than
"curing" her depression.
UTILIZING
DEPRESSION TO MAKE IMPRESSIONS
When
Audrey returned to my office a few days
later, she looked a lot better. She said
she finally understood what I meant.
After a brief discussion it became
apparent that her sense of identity and
her self-esteem were tied up with service
to others. Believing that she was not
worthwhile unless she was taking care of
others, Audrey inadvertently neglected
taking care of herself. I suggested she
could do more good, over the long run, if
she also learned to take care of her own
needs.
Audrey
worked hard to make a few simple, but
important, improvements in her life.
Within a couple of weeks she developed a
new attitude toward herself and others.
She began an exercise class, learned to
delegate, and began to occasionally say
"No." Audrey continued to be
very service-oriented--however, no longer
at the price of neglecting herself. She
became aware of her own self-worth and
quickly became a much happier person.
GO TO:
Previous barrier: Shaky
Self-esteem
Next: Depression Chapter
Summary
Depression Chapter
Overview
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