Navigation

Barrier 4

Exaggerated Thinking

COMMON INDICATORS

Thoughts:

"This is absolutely terrible and awful." "I cannot stand it." "I'll never feel better again." "I am always making mistakes." "Life is one crisis after another."

Feelings:

Exaggerated. More intense than is necessary.

Actions:

Extreme. Doing things for immediate relief or escape, without regard to reason or future consequences.

GENERAL INFORMATION

On almost every occasion when you feel upset, whether you are depressed or not, there is some form of exaggerated thinking taking place. If you habitually tell yourself, for example, you must always or never do something you cannot possibly always or never do, you have set the stage for an upsetting play. Or when you think of an event as terrible, awful, or catastrophic, rather than as unpleasant or inconvenient, the emotional escalation is apt to increase along the lines of your overly dramatic "Hollywood" movie. Likewise, if you take a lopsided and inaccurate inventory of your strengths, weaknesses, and potential, your feelings about yourself will be lopsided and inaccurate.

Key Point: The natural result of exaggerated thinking is exaggerated feelings.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIERS

1. Take several 3x5 cards and make and post signs to remind yourself:

   Exaggerated thinking leads to exaggerated feelings

2. Watch your language for any upsetting absolutes such as "must," "always," "never," or "can't." Substitute more objective phrases such as "It would be better," "I prefer," "I will," "I will not," or "I can."

   Examples:

   Upsetting absolutes: "I am always unhappy" (or "I am never happy").

   More objective: "I am not often as happy as I would prefer."

   Upsetting absolute: "I never do anything right."

   More objective: "I do not do everything right, but I do some things right."

   Upsetting absolutes: "I can't stop feeling so depressed."

   More objective: "I can learn to feel better than I do right now."

   1. Caution: Absolute language may be appropriately used in reference to the laws of God, nature, or man (To develop a close relationship with the Lord, a person must have faith; to maintain a driver's license certain laws must be obeyed; a person who consistently violates the laws of health and nutrition cannot have a healthy body).
3. Notice the adjectives you use to describe unpleasant events in your life. Watch to see if you label events as terrible, awful, or catastrophic, rather than simply as inconvenient, unpleasant, or undesirable.

   Examples:

   Ray, a dedicated businessman, often complained of current or impending crises at work. I explained that it was his choice whether he thought of his work as a crisis or simply as a challenge. A physician or fireman, for example, after responding to several emergencies, usually does not think in terms of having to deal with terrible, awful crises. Instead, he simply thinks and talks in terms of doing his job, some days being more demanding and stressful than others.

   Marissa was sick with the flu. At first, she told herself she could not stand feeling so terrible and awful. She discovered the result of such thinking was to make her feel sick about feeling sick. She then decided to simply think of herself as feeling sick, telling herself that in time, the unpleasant symptoms would surely pass. As a result, she just plain felt sick, not anxious and depressed as well.

   The loss of a loved one--whether through death or some other form of separation--may be thought of as the end of the world or as sad, undesirable, inconvenient, and survivable.

4. Notice how you feel when you use exaggerated versus moderate adjectives or labels.
   1. Key Point: Because 85% of mental activity is automatic or unconscious, you may discover yourself upset or depressed before you are consciously aware of any exaggerated thinking. In such cases, you have probably developed a habitual tape or program of exaggerated thinking that automatically plays in certain circumstances. Even if you are not aware of the specific words, you can guess what they might be, based on how upset you feel.

   Example: Virginia tended to feel depressed when Steve criticized her, no matter how gently he spoke. I asked her what she imagined when he attempted to discuss something about her or their relationship that he was uncomfortable with. She replied, "Oh, I feel he hates me and wishes he married his high school sweetheart. I worry that if I do not change, he'll leave me for a more desirable woman. Just about everyone is better than me." I told Virginia that she would make an outstanding Hollywood producer. She had taken a few simple facts and blown them up in her mind, making a melodramatic soap opera.

5. Practice substituting moderate and objective words in place of the exaggerated words.

   Remember: For every second your mind is engaged in exaggerated thinking, volatile chemicals are dumped into your stream of emotion, causing increasing amounts of emotional turbulence. So the longer the exaggerated thinking takes place--whether consciously or unconsciously--the longer it will take to feel better.

6. To rapidly change a habit of using particular words, play a little game. First, make a list of upsetting absolutes or exaggerated words you are in the habit of using, along with a preferred list of more objective words. Whenever you catch yourself using an undesirable word, substitute a better word and give yourself one point. Whenever you catch yourself initially using a better word--give yourself two points. Compare your daily score against your previous best score. You can also offer a family member twenty-five cents each time he catches you using certain words.
7. Put your concerns in a more objective perspective by taking a piece of paper and drawing three columns and labeling them, "Desirable," "Undesirable," and "Terrible/Catastrophic." List some of the factual, current events in your life, placing them in the appropriate column. Be sure to record each event objectively, like a camera, with only the facts: do not give opinions, feelings or commentary. Do not forget to include things about your life that are objectively desirable, even though you may not feel that way right now.

   Remember: How you decide to think about an event--not the nature of the event itself--determines in which column it is placed.

   1. Key Point: The fewer things you choose to put in the Terrible/Catastrophic category, the less likely you are to feel depressed.

   Example: A close friend of mine--a wonderful, healthy father of five--was diagnosed as having a malignant melanoma. He was given less than a year to live. At times he certainly felt his situation was terrible and horrible, but he decided he could live out his remaining days more happily and successfully by viewing his illness as undesirable and unpleasant. After the biopsy he and his wife did a surprising thing: they took a vacation and had a great time. He died shortly thereafter.

   Example : A close friend of mine--a wonderful, healthy father of five--was diagnosed as having a malignant melanoma. He was given less than a year to live. At times he certainly felt his situation was terrible and horrible, but he decided he could live out his remaining days more happily and successfully by viewing his illness as undesirable and unpleasant. After the biopsy he and his wife did a surprising thing: they took a vacation and had a great time. He died shortly thereafter.

Current Events in My Life

*You do not have to put anything in the Terrible/Awful/Catastrophic column

Avoid using intense, psychological words when describing how you feel (depressed, disturbed, manic, etc.). Better: Use more common and low- key words, such as "I feel down, low, or overly excited."

1.  
2. Examine your personal accounting procedure to see if you are being objective and accurate in recording your assets and liabilities. Develop a personal balance sheet--like an accountant does for a business--that will allow you to look at your life objectively.

   Take a piece of paper and create three sections: Strengths, Weaknesses, and Potential. In each section, record your personal characteristics, attributes, skills, knowledge, and experience, being careful to use moderate, objective language.

   	Strengths	Weaknesses	Potential

   Remember: You are recording objective facts, not your feelings. Just the facts, ma'am!

   1. Key Point: Make sure the number of things in the Strength and Potential categories equal or, hopefully, exceed, those in the Weakness category. If you have trouble honestly finding positive things to list about yourself, imagine what your loved ones or best friends would say about you.
3. If you have a tendency to view yourself in a negative way, keep a daily log of your activities and accomplishments.
   1. Key Point: Be sure to list the seemingly little things you do, but take for granted, like getting out of bed, getting dressed, having breakfast, putting things away, helping others, making phones calls, doing daily domestic or professional chores. At the end of the day, review and acknowledge what you have done, even if you feel like "I haven't done much of anything today."

GO TO:
Next barrier: Believing Life "should" be ...
Previous barrier: Difficulty Distinguishing Thoughts and Feelings From Facts
Depression Chapter Overview