Barrier 5
Believing Life
Should be....
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "Life should
be . . .but it isn't."
"Why is life so hard? It is
just not fair."
- Feelings:
- Fluctuating
between anger and depression.
- Actions:
- A lot of
complaining. Withdrawing from, or
rebelling against, people or
things.
GENERAL
INFORMATION
In
life there are positives, negatives, and
always the potential for things to get
better or worse. There is indeed
opposition in all things. When some
aspects of life (such as your feelings,
relationships, or circumstances) are
undesirable, thinking that reality should
be different puts you in conflict with
it. Fighting reality by demanding
something be or not be so, is one of the
more common causes of depression. Rather
than focusing on finding ways to improve
the situation--or your response to the
situation--you end up struggling against
reality, which results in anger or
depression.
You
may, nevertheless, be in the habit of
thinking life shouldn't be the way
it is. Many people habitually demand that
life should be "fair," as they
define fair. They seem to have a love of
fair--to their own detriment and
depression. Although everyone would like
life to be fair, the fact remains, life
is not always fair.Accepting this
fact of life frees you to deal with life
in a realistic and healthy manner.
- Myth: By
acknowledging and accepting
reality as it is, you are
condoning or passively accepting
it.
Fact:
By squarely facing up to the
truth and facts of a situation,
no matter how unpleasant, you are
in a much better position to
change the situation if possible,
or if not, to control or change
your response to it.
STEPS TO
REMOVING THE BARRIER
- Notice how you
tend to respond to feelings or
situations you consider
undesirable. Watch for words or
thoughts that fit your notion of
how life should be against the
reality of how it is.
Examples:
Life should be
fair.
Reality:
Sometimes it isn't.
I must get him to
treat me nicely.
Reality:
Sometimes you can't.
I've got to get
out of this place.
Reality:
You may need to stay for awhile.
I can't stand
feeling this way.
Reality:
You are feeling it anyway and you
are standing it.
- Common question:
"What do you do when you do
not like reality the way it
is?" Answer: A.C.T.:
-
- Acknowledge
the feelings and the
facts as they really are
("I feel the way I
feel" and "It
is the way it is").
Be careful not to damn up
the stream of emotion by
ignoring or fighting your
feelings.
- Consider
the available choices
("What are my
choices? What shall I do,
now?").
- Take
constructive action.
To A.C.T.
effectively there are three
steps:
Step 1:
Acknowledge.
-
- To assist
you to acknowledge
reality as it is, rather
than how you might be
tempted to think it
should be, view the
situation like a video
camera (taking in all the
facts without any
interpretation, editorial
comment, or objection).
- Practice
distinguishing the
"Camera Facts"
from your personal
thoughts and feelings.
Take a piece of paper and
draw a vertical line down
the center. On the top of
the left side, write
"Camera Facts"
and on the top of the
right side, write
"My Thoughts and
Feelings." Consider
a situation where you
felt depressed. Under
"Camera Facts,"
record the objective
facts of the situation as
a camera would record
them. Be careful not to
list your thoughts or
feelings in this section.
Under, "My Thoughts
and Feelings,"
record just that, your
thoughts and feelings.
| Camera
Facts |
My
Thoughts and
Feelings |
|
|
- Result:
By acknowledging reality
(the facts of the
situation and your
feelings about those
facts), you will be able
to squarely face reality
and consider the
currently available
choices.
- Example:
Valeen was depressed
because she viewed
herself as a worthless
failure who could not
make her husband happy.
Rather than viewing the
facts as a camera would
record them---Darrel
worked too much, ate too
much, and did not get
enough sleep---Valeen
viewed his unhappiness as
her fault and
responsibility. When
Valeen saw the reality
that Darrell could not
possibly be happy the way
he was living, she
realized how depressing
and unnecessary it was to
continue thinking she
should somehow be able to
make him happy.
Step Two:
Consider your choices.
-
- Consider
the choices available and
decide on your best
choice.
- Key
Point:
Even though the choice(s)
you prefer may not be
available, there are
always choices available,
although some more
desirable than others.
- Example:
Although the choice to
make Darrel happy was not
available to Valeen,
there were things she
could do to make herself
happier. She could also
avoid making things worse
for Darrel. Some of her
positive options were to
put her life and
activities back in
balance, pray for Darrel,
do what she could
reasonably do for him,
avoid accepting
responsibility for his
feelings or reactions,
etc.
Step Three: Take
Action.
-
- Do
something constructive
that will help you in the
future: change any part
of the situation that is
changeable, change your
attitude toward it, make
the best of it, learn
more about it and learn
more about yourself.
- Example:
Valeen took the following
actions: she stopped
making unrealistic
demands on herself,
resumed doing the kind of
things she did before she
continued to care for
Darrel, though she no
longer carried his
responsibilities. Even
Darrel was relieved and
pleased that she was no
longer so unhappy about
his unhappiness.
- Key
Point: Do not
just sit around and
think. ACT!
- Identify words
you tend to use that trap you
into feeling depressed.
Trap
Words:
- Should
- Have to
- Can't
- Must
- Never
- Always
Notice how you
feel when you use such words.
Example:
Deborah was so accustomed to
using demanding
"shoulds" on herself,
she was easily upset or
depressed. Her assignment for the
week was to increase her
awareness of how often she used
"shoulds" and the
resulting effect on her. She left
my office determined to improve.
In less than a minute she was
back in my office laughing. While
walking down the stairs she
noticed herself beginning to feel
tense. Then she realized what she
was thinking: "This week I
shouldn't use the word
`should.'" Be patient.
Habits take time to change.
- Identify words
you tend to use that suggest you
have a choice.
Choice
Words:
- I prefer
. . .
- It would
be better if . . .
- I will .
. .
- I won't .
. .
- I don't
like . . .
- Practice
substituting Choice Words for
Trap Words. As you begin using
Choice Words, you will be better
able to deal with reality and
less likely to feel depressed.
- Caution:
If you are currently
feeling depressed,
changing words is not
likely to have much, if
any, immediate
impact on how you feel.
GO TO:
Next barrier: Difficulty
Distinguishing Between What You Can and
Cannot Control
Previous barrier:
Exaggerated Thinking
Depression Chapter
Overview
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