Dear Dr.
Fishbein
Dear
Reader,
I
look forward to your questions each week
and will try to answer as many as
possible. I hope that you find this
column enjoyable and useful by seeing
that we all share similar strengths,
weaknesses and hopes and that there are
simple principles that can be learned and
practiced that produce great results. In
order to protect privacy, I avoid even
using first names.
Best
Wishes,
John
Issues addressed in this
column:
QUESTION
29: My daughter is
very depressed over losing a boyfriend
over 2 months ago. She is devastated over
it and can not seem to move on. It
consumes her life. All she seems to be
able to focus on is her loss of her
boyfriend. I am at my wits end
ANSWER:
Your
daughter may be basing her security or
self-worth on others. See Core Principle 6:
Building A Firm Foundation For Your
Personal Security. She may also be giving
more credence to feeling worthless and
unlovable than to the facts. See Core Principle 3:
Distintuish Your Feelings From The Facts.
For more
suggestions on what you can or cannot do
to help her, see Depression
Barrier 10: Trying Too Hard To Help
Others.
QUESTION 28: My wife
had an affair daughter three years
ago. We have not had sex in two years. We
get along very well, but that's it. Help.
ANSWER - Sexual
intimacy is an important part of a
healthy marital relationship. No sex in
two years suggests something important is
missing, if not seriously wrong. If you
both love each other and get along well,
I would view the lack of sexual intimacy
as an indicator that one of you, probably
both of you, are hurting about something.
What is it? Without blaming your wife,
share with her how this is affecting you,
what it means to you (about you and about
her), and what you want. Ask her to do
the same. If she is willing to share her
thoughts and feelings with you, listen
carefully and ask questions to learn more
and to discover if you are correctly
understanding her. She might be feeling
guilty and unworthy to be intimate with
you.
QUESTION 27: I have
been dating a single mother, 32 years
old, for about 3 months. I am very
expressive in my feelings, but she does
not communicate hers to me. Is she just
taking her time to evaluate me as a
person?
ANSWER: If you
are expressing a lot more feeling, in
word or deed, than your friend, you may
be knocking the relationship off balance.
She may feel pressured to respond in
kind, although not yet ready. If so, she
may be responding to pressure or a sense
of inadequacy, rather than her true
feelings for you. As two people become
acquainted there is a certain balance to
the process that is best to be
maintained. Developing closeness in a
relationship can be compared to riding a
teeter-tooter. If one of you scoots in
too close, the other will be left up in
the air. Monitor how much of the
following you do compared to what she
does (or is comfortable with): talking in
general, sharing or requesting personal
information, touching, and spending time
together. Then, strike a better balance.
QUESTION
26: I have a problem. I
can't stop cutting myself. I don't know
what to do. I have tried almost
everything, but it doesn't matter. I
can't stop. Can you tell me why?
ANSWER:
Sometimes when a person becomes numb with
depression or loneliness, and does not
know what else to do, a type of private
shock therapy may be employed. This can
be very dangerous. I suspect that part of
you wants very badly to feel again, while
another part of you, for some reason or
another, is unwilling. Please seek
professional help.
QUESTION
25 - I have a 16 year-old
son who I feel may have slight depression
and anxiety. He has been seeing a
counselor recently. He is moody, sleeps a
lot, spends a lot of time alone, gets
poor grades, and has no ambition to work.
He also gets aggitated with all of our
talks. What can I do?
ANSWER
&endash I would expect someone who is
doing what you describe would most likely
be depressed. Unfortunately, there seems
to be a tendency today to talk about how
depression causes negative behavior. That
perspective can lead to depression being
viewed as responsible for one's actions.
The person may not expect himself, or be
expected to, act more positively and
responsibly until he feels better. The
more a person focuses on feelings, the
worse he often feels. It would be better
for him to strive to DO better, rather
than focusing so much on FEELING better
or, escaping from feeling badly. First,
consider the 3 Pillars of Physical
Health: 1) Is he getting 8-9 hours of
sleep each night; 2) Is he eating three,
nutritious meals a day; and 3) Is he
getting 30 minutes a day of exercise? If
there is any deficiency in the 3 Pillars
(that alone can cause depression), focus
on correcting that right away. Then, make
sure that you are not doing anything to
make it easy or comfortable for him to be
alone, not drive, not study, etc. You may
want to limit his time in bed, for
example, from 11 pm to 7 am. Likewise,
his use of T.V., video games, or stereo,
might be limited to certain times, and
then only after he has done something
constructive socially, academically, or
regarding work. Remember, you cannot
control how he feels.
QUESTION
24 - My boyfriend and I
have been dating for 2 years and when we
start fooling around he wants to have sex
with me. I am 20 years old and a VIRGIN
and I am proud of it and don't plan on
having sex until I am married. I am a
strong believer of sexual abstinence. I
tell him this, but it doesn't seem to
click in his head. What should I do?
ANSWER - I
commend and support you in your stand to
remain a virgin until marriage. As far as
what to do, I have 3 suggestions: 1) Stop
"fooling" around (if want to
draw the line at kissing for just a few
seconds and no touching in sexually
sensitive areas, you won't have to worry
about having sex), 2) stop trying to
reason with or convince him to accept
your standards (if he truly respects you
and has some self-control, he will honor
your wishes, whether or not he agrees),
and 3) find things you can do together
that you both enjoy, especially with
others, that don't place you alone in
tempting situations. If you and/or he
choose not to do these 3 things, you will
most likely end up having sex. You may
find yourself in the difficult position
of deciding whether to violate your
personal standards or end the
relationship.
QUESTION
23 - Is there any kind of
sex drug (aphrodiasac) that can help me
have sexual desire?
ANSWER - You
already have a sex drive and don't need a
drug to create or stimulate it, even if
one existed. If you are not feeling any
sexual desire, then something is blocking
it. It would be better to identify the
barriers and remove them. Possibilities:
poor health, depression, fear, unloving
relationship, etc.
QUESTION
22 - My husband and I have
a different view on privacy. He doesn't
like me looking at him when he is
dressing or coming into the bathroom
while he's showering. We love each other,
but I think there should be no boundaries
or barriers between each other if there
is to be true intimacy. We should be one
- no "yours" and
"mine." Am I being
unreasonable?
ANSWER - There
are many ways to increase intimacy and
they must be mutually meaningful and
agreeable. If something is intimate to
you and not to him, then that is not a
way of intimacy for the TWO of you, and
vice versa. A relationship without
boundaries would be a relatinship withou
individual identities and, in time, would
become emeshed and dissatisfying. Learn
to enjoy each others uniquie
individuality. More specifically, respect
his privacy and don't interpret it as
being some form of rejection or distance
between the two of you. See Chapter on Communication
QUESTION
21 - My husband and I love
each other, but he has been avoiding
intimacy for almost 5 years, right after
our child was born. He is tall and ways
over 300 pounds. The last 4 years there
has been no sex. I am thinking of
starting an affair. The reason is that I
do not think my husband needs me
sexually.
ANSWER - If you
do the normal and natural thing, that is
assume that his lack of interest is a
personal thing about or against you, you
will become hurt and/or angry. Your
response will then be to push him away
even further. It would be better to
assume that what he's doing or not doing
is more about him that you. I don't mean
to suggest that you have no room for
improvement, only that it would be better
for you to not take this personally. Sex
is a poor measure of how much someone
loves and needs you. Having an affair
will only make things worse for you, your
husband, and your child. Please don't do
that.
There
can be many reasons for a lack of sexual
intimacy in an otherwise loving marriage.
Here are just three: 1) depending on the
distribution of your husband's weight and
his physical condition, sex may be ver
difficult and uncomfortable for him to
participate in, despite his love for you;
2) his experiences and attitudes towards
sex may be inaccurate and/or
counterproductive; and 3) there may be
other problems within either of you
and/or your relationship that are
interferring with satisfactory sexual
intimacy. A good 90% of the couples tht I
have treated for sexual problems had
non-sexual roots to the problem. By
identifying and clearing up the
non-sexual issues the sexual problems are
usually diminished or resolved.
Assuming
you've gone through the secion of my book
entitled, Unsatisfactory Intimacy, and
tried to apply the appropriate
suggestions, without success, I would
suggest you consider obtaining
professional help. Even if onlyi one of
you is willing to see a therapist at
first, a great deal may be done.
QUESTION
20 - I have 4 children and
I had my tudes tied and now I feel like
there is no use for sex. I told my
husband that I never liked sex and that
the only reason I did it was to have
children. Is there anything I can do to
over come this?
ANSWER - Sex
has two main purposes, one of which you
already understand. The other purpose is
to provide a way for a loving husband and
wife to express their love and bring them
closer together. There can be many
reasons why sex is not enjoyable. There
are some good books available on the
subject. Check your bookstore. Have you
read my section on Unsatisfactory
Intimacy? Perhaps you could tell your
hasband what would make it more enjoyable
for you. Experiment. Have you ever
learned to eat and eventually enjoy some
food that you initially found
distasteful? Take small bites and combine
with other food you enjoy. I went from
drinking whole milk, to 2%, to 1% and
finally to non-fat over a period of a few
years. It can be done with patience and
persistence.
QUESTION
19 - What is the typical
time frame for an antidepressant to take
effect? I have been on one for a month
and don't want to take it forever.
ANSWER - If the
medication is designed to affect
serotonin, like Prozac, Zoloft, or Paxl,
it usually takes 2 to 6 weeks to take
full effect. If you are adjusting
medication levels or wanting to go off,
please consult with your prescribing
physician. I hope you are receiving
therapy along with the medication.
QUESTION
18 - My husband is with
physical and emotional intimacy. He wants
to overcome this but doesn't know where
to begin. He is uncomfortable when people
hug him and when the conversation gets
more intimate than the usual surface
level.
ANSWER
&endash Intimacy can be learned, just
as a person can learn to swim and feel
safe in water. If he was afraid of water
and wanted to overcome such a fear, what
could he do? He could break the task down
to bite-sized chunks: e.g., sit by the
side of the pool with his feet in the
water; sit on the first step, etc. Having
a swimming instructor who was not
emotionally involved could also help. At
each step, he could 1) make sure he is
breathing comfortably (people tend to
hold there breath when they are afraid
and that produces more tension or fear),
2) reassure himself that he is O.K., and
3) watch for and correct any negative
thoughts. See if that gives you any
ideas. Also, I would suggest he begin
keeping a journal of his personal
thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Then, see if he would be willing set a
limited amount of time, such as 5-10
minutes each day to share with you.
Eventually, you could add some specific,
limited touching, such as holding hands
or hugging, while he is sharing. See Chapter, Unsatisfactory
Intimacy.
QUESTION
17 - Are their any studies
related to how shift work affects
depression patients. I work a shift from
3:00 PM to 11:30 PM at night. My doctor
advised me to work a 9 to 5 because my
condition worsened by working evening to
night and also because of the sleep-wake
cycle. I experienced increased severe
anxiety attacks, headaches, poor
concentration, stress, unable to
remember, sadness, crying, etc.
ANSWER - I
don't know of any research about work
shifts and depression, though there
probably are some. The symptoms you
described could be related to insuffient
sleep. I would encourage you to set a
regular time to go to bed and to get up
regardless of whether you are able to
sleep during the entire time. I would
expect that in time you will be able to
adjust. Some people have found success
taking Melatonin
when having difficulty
adjusting to changing sleep times due jet
lag. Check with your doctor. See Chapter
on Depression.
QUESTION
16 - After a messy divorce
& custody battle, I found myself in a
terrible depression. It's been three
years now, and I'm just starting to feel
"awake" again. I have
discovered another problem though. I
can't seem to feel good about myself. I
use daily assertions, I've returned to
college and even made the Dean's List
this semester, and I have a wonderful
supportive boyfriend. On paper, I have
every reason in the world to be happy and
feel good about myself, but I have to
fight with myself to be happy. Am I still
depressed? Is there something else I
should be doing for myself?
ANSWER
- Congratulations on
successfully traveling through some rough
terrain. Focusing on trying to feel
happy, let alone fighting with your self
to feel happy often contributes to
unhappiness. Then, when you don't feel
any happier there is a tendency to feel
unhappy about not feeling happy. You
might consider focusing less on your
happiness, even stopping the
affirmations, and instead, doing more of
the things that you value and strive to
keep your life in balance. If you're
still having difficulty, I would suggest
you see a therapist. You might also
consider the herb, St.
John's Wart. Talk with
you doctor.
QUESTION
15 - Is it
possible to build trust and intimacy
after a spouse has been unfaithful? My
husband has done this and wants to
recommit and never repeat this act again.
ANSWER - The
violation of sacred marital commitments
(covenants) is a betrayal of love and
trust that wounds the other person so
deeply as to cut to the very soul. The
pain is physical, emotional, and
spiritual. The sense of loss approaches
that of death and, in some ways, is even
worse. In 24 years of practice, however,
I have only seen one case where adultery
was the deciding factor in a divorce. In
every other case, and there have been
many, the couple have continued on in the
relationship, making repairs as best they
could, or they used the crisis as a
stepping stone to better themselves and
their relationship.
No
progress can be made, of course, unless
all personal contact and involvement is
ended with the other person and the
spouse who stepped out must accept 100%
responsibility for his or her actions.
Even if the "innocent" spouse
has contributed to marital problems, even
in a major way, and has significant areas
to improve, she or he did in NO WAY
cause, force, or make the choices and
actions that led to the infidelity. The
answer to your question is a definite,
"Yes." You might want to check
out Vaughn's web site
which is designed to help people put
their marriages back together after an
affair.
QUESTION
14 - I am a
healthy and confident male who has
problems with sexual performance. My
companion is very understanding but I am
not. Help! I am uncomfortable about going
to see someone. Also, how common is my
problem?
ANSWER
- Willie
Mays, the Hall of Fame baseball player,
and one of the greatest hitters ever, was
in a terrible hitting slump. He did
everything he could think of to get out
of it. He increased his concentration,
attention, and tried harder. As his
initial efforts failed, he tried even
harder. He thought more and more about
why he was not hitting the ball
consistently. He repeatedly asked himself
what he was doing wrong. I suspect that
after awhile he even tried hard NOT to
think about IT. Guess what he was still
thinking about.
He
then tried something that was not too
well known at the time. He obtained film
taken of him when he was hitting his very
best. He began looking at and
thinking about what he was doing when he
was successful. Rather than focusing on
and analyzing his weaknesses, he studied
his strengths. He discovered that he
already knew how to hit the ball quite
well. As the need to try harder subsided,
he relaxed, thought about it less, and
responded more naturally, hitting the
ball harder and more consistently.
I
don't know all of the reasons or the
actual nature of your
"difficulty," but I can assure
you that the only ones who consistently
procreate without any problems are
animals. They just respond to physical
instinct. There is no emotion or thought
involved and a very limited relationship,
if any at all. They don't make love; they
mate in season. See Chapter, Unsatisfactory
Intimacy.
I
can understand you discomfort about
seeing someone about something so
personal. I can assure you, however, any
doctor or therapist you might contact
would be very understanding and would
quickly put you at ease. You might
consider talking with an experienced
professional over the phone rather in
person. Sometimes that is a little
easier. See the answers to question 8 and
9.
QUESTION
13 - Why
doesn't my husband want to be intimate?
He gives me all kinds of excuses, none of
which satisfy me. This has been going on
for 3 years. I am 30. My husband is 35
and was physically abused as a child.
Help! We love each other otherwise. I
don't understand.
ANSWER - You hit
the nail on the head when you said,
"I don't understand." I suspect
your husband also feels that you do not
understand. What effect do you think that
has on him? Rather than primarily
focusing on trying to get the problem
solved, I would suggest that you reassure
you husband of your deep and abiding
love. Then, seek to understand what he is
thinking and feeling. Is he afraid of
something (getting hurt, losing control,
disappointing you, failing, losing the
marriage, etc.). When someone is afraid
or nervous they sometimes react
defensively by not caring about, or by
avoiding, the thing they are
uncomfortable with. Try to remember that
your husband's actions are more about him
than they are about you. See the
Communication Chapter, Barrier 5, Trying to Get Your
Companion to Communicate Better.
QUESTION
12 - I feel that my husband
is no longer attracted to me. He doesn't
spend a lot of extra time with me anymore
and those special glances that he used to
give me when we were dating simply don't
exist anymore. I am very frustrated. He
says that nothing has changed at all, but
I am left still doubting. Our love making
has dropped from what it used to be. I
fee very inadequate and depressed.
ANSWER
- It sounds like you are
making several assumptions based on some
facts. Be careful. You know what it means
to assume? You make an "ASS out of U
and ME." One result of your
assumptions is that you are depressing.
How does that affect your husband?
Diminished frequency of love making can
be caused by a myriad of things that have
nothing to do with how much two people
love each other: for example, stress,
fatigue, health, emotional problems, etc.
Four suggestions: 1) focus more on doing
meaningful things on your own, 2) support
your husband in doing things on his own,
3) do some regular, enjoyable things
together (eg, weekly date, daily walk,
talk for at least 20 minutes each day,
and 4) notice the positive in your
husband and show appreciation for that.
Here's
something else to consider. Relationships
go through stages. The first stage is the
romantic, bonding time when each person's
identity and individuality take a back
seat to the unfolding relationship.
Differences are minimized and
similarities are emphasized. Most, if not
all, of each person's attention and
feelings are on the other. The second
stage is where each person's
individuality re-emerges, including
differences in interests, preferences,
ideas, ways of doing things, etc. Rather
than seeking to understand, appreciate,
and negotiate these differences people
sometimes try to return to the first
stage of the relationship: 1) by hiding
or denying the differences and by
avoiding conflict; and/or, 2) by
demanding agreement and sameness that is
characterizing by fighting or withdrawing
(depressing is one way of withdrawing).
The third stage is where there is balance
between independence and intimacy. There
are two separate and distinct individuals
who are aware of and comfortable with the
similarities AND differences in each
other and work together for the common
good without hiding things under the rug
or trying to force the other to do things
their way. Each is like a pillar
supporting a loving marital bridge. See
Bader and Pearson's book, In Search of
the Mythical Mate.
QUESTION
11 - I have
so many problems in life I don't think I
can ever make it. I just went through all
the symptoms of depression and found that
I score a perfect 100. All I need to know
is what to do to stop feeling that way.
ANSWER - I'm sorry
to hear you are feeling so miserable. One
thing, however, is that you're very good
at depressing. You've learned to think,
believe, and do just the right kind of
things that result in feeling awful. I
understand that you're not consciously
choosing to feel this way, even though
many of the choices you are making are
resulting in your "perfect
score," independent of your
circumstances. See Core Principle 1, Understanding
your feelings; also,
Chapter on Depression.
QUESTION
10 - I'm not
sure if I love my husband any more. We
are considering counseling. We have a
large family and don't want to cause our
children unnecessary grief; however, I am
very unhappy in the relationship and want
out.
ANSWER - If your
children are still at home and you are
"very unhappy," I don't know
whether staying miserably married or
getting divorced would cause your
children less grief. When children grow
up in a family with an unloving and/or
dysfunction marriage, everyone suffers
regardless of how well the problems are
masked. When loving feelings towards a
spouse erode to the point of pervasive
hurt or apathy, the process of turning
that marriage around rarely begins with
feeling loving towards each other. First,
there needs to be changes of attitude and
behavior on at least one person's part
(perhaps yours). Feelings are usually the
last thing to change. Therapy sounds like
a good for you and your spouse. I prefer
to do everything possible to not only
save a marriage but make it effective and
fulfilling. Divorce would be the absolute
last resort. I find that even when only
one spouse is willing to come to therapy,
9 times out of 10, the other spouse
eventually comes in, after seeing and
being affected by the changes that come
from the spouse in counseling.
QUESTION
9 - I'm afraid I may be
impotent (can't ejaculate) and I feel
inadequate and embarrassed. Can
anti-depressant medications, like prozac,
cause impotence? The harder I try the
worse it gets and the more depressed I
feel.
ANSWER - Yes!
See your doctor. In sports I find that
the more I focus on a problem and the
harder I try to get it right, the worse I
play. Just today while playing tennis,
the only times I double faulted were when
I said to myself, "I've GOT to be
careful or I'm going to miss this
serve." See the answers to question
8 and 14.
QUESTION
8 - I just
got married and am having difficulty
maintaining an erection, especially at
penetration. I don't understand because I
can masturbate without any problem.
ANSWER: Sexual
intimacy with your wife and masturbation
are two entirely different things. In one
the focus is on your spouse and in the
other the focus in on you. See if you can
give more attention to pleasing your
wife, with less worry about how aroused
you are. Also, is there sufficient
lubrication at penetration? Another thing
you can try is enjoying a variety of
sexually intimate activities with your
wife without intercourse for a couple of
weeks. That may take some of the pressure
off. Have you read the chapter on Sexual
Intimacy? See answers to Questions 9 and
14.
QUESTION
7 - I am 29
years old, and afraid of sexual intimacy.
I just cannot bring myself to become
involved with anybody. I've even turned
down a marriage proposal (some years ago)
because of this fear. So I'm celibate,
but not from choice. Yes, I had some
unpleasant sexually abusive experiences
as a child, but really believed I had
dealt with them. I have no problems with
arousal, but rather with trust (I guess).
Any suggestions.
ANSWER - If you
can develop a growing friendship with a
person who is trustworthy, fun, loving,
respectful, etc. then I wouldn't worry so
much about the sexual concerns. Sex
outside of marriage invites fear and,
more often than not, someone (or both)
end up getting hurt. Most likely
when you are in a committed marriage with
your best friend, where love abounds,
frosting that marital cake will be sweet.
See Unsatisfactory Intimacy,
Barrier 1: Lack of Commitment. It is
possible, nevertheless,that you were
traumatized by the earlier abuse and
would benefit from seeing a therapist.
See How To Select A Therapist.
QUESTION
6 - I am a
professional woman in my late twenties
and have been seeing a married man in his
late 40's for some time now. I am a
Christian and believe extramarital sex is
wrong. With this man, who is nice to me,
I've been sexually involved. Although I
realize this is a dead end relationship,
we enjoy each other's company a lot and
do not want to think about the
inevitable. Should I continue to see him?
ANSWER - Sadly,
a lot of people are being hurt in this
situation: you, his wife and children,
him and, perhaps, others. Unfortunately,
the fleeting good feelings shared in this
relationship do not the change the facts,
whether or not you deal with them. See Principle
3: Distinguish Your Feelings From the
Facts. If you
are not living in harmony with what you
believe and value, you can not be at
peace with yourself. If you meet someone
with similar values, who lives them, they
are not likely to be interested in you.
If you truly want to be happy and have a
loving and secure relationship (and I'm
sure you do), I would encourage you to
re-evaluate your minimun standards for a
relationship. See Principle
7: Set Your Minimum Standards. Even
though you may sacrifice some sense of
comfort and companionship now, the
investment in you and in your future
spouse will be more than worth it.
QUESTION
5 - I
am 28 years old and recently married a
wonderful man. I struggle with horrible
memories of past physical and sexual
abuse. The memories haunt me and I feel
dirty, especially after we've been
intimate. Help?
ANSWER
- Congratulations on
marrying a wonderful man. Since I do not
know much about your situation, let me
give you some questions to consider. Are
the memories of past abuse one's you've
been aware of all along; or, have they
just recently come to your mind
(sometimes called "recovered
memories")? If they are of the so
called recovered memory type, I would
encourage you NOT to take them seriously.
If they are, however, memories of
actual/factual events that are
disturbing, have you told your husband?
Are you afraid that he won't love you if
he knows about the past? If he is truly
wonderful, he'll probably love you all
the more.
Remember,
your worth and love ability depends more
on who you are now than on anything
you've done (or been done to) in the
past. See Principle 5: Recognizing
Your Inherent Worth and the
chapter on Depression in the
book Emotional First Aid.
If
you are still troubled by the memories,
seeing a therapist may be appropriate. If
you look for a local therapist, I would
recommend one who is skilled EMDR, a
helpful therapeutic tool for rapidly
eliminating disturbing pain from
traumatic memories. For referrals of
trained EMDR therapists, US or
International, call (408) 372-3900 ext
10.
QUESTION
4 - I have
been married for 20 years and I am
depressed about our relationship. My wife
is not an intimate person in the
slightest sense of the word. She will not
give back rubs or have any other intimate
contact beyond an occasional hug or peck
on the cheek. She says she enjoys sex,
does achieve orgasm, but is very passive
about the whole thing. For the last two
weeks I haven't initiated any intimacy.
She wants to know what's wrong. I'm not
talking because in the past it's done no
good. She's done some nice things trying
to cheer me up (special dinners, arranged
social activities with friends, cleaned
house to perfection, etc.). She's become
frustrated because nothing cheers me up.
Am I going to have leave my wife to shock
her into believing that sex and intimacy
is very important to me?
ANSWER - From
your question I see three things: 1) You
are choosing to depress, perhaps because
you don't know what else to do; 2) Your
wife is communicating her love to you in
ways that mean love to her, but not to
you (e.g., allowing sex, enjoying sex
(albeit w/o participating in ways that
meet your expectations), promoting social
activities, cooking favorite meals,
cleaning house, etc.; and 3) Your wife
may not know how, or feel comfortable
with, participating in sexual intimacy in
a mutually satisfactory manner.
What
to do: 1) see
Depression chapter in
Emotional First Aid ; 2) Consider that
your wife's behavior is something other
than a lack of love for you; recognize
how she does express love; 3) You both
might benefit from reading together the
chapter entitled Communication; 4) If
you two can't discuss your concerns about
intimacy in a way that is helpful, see a
counselor, but don't even consider
leaving your wife over this (I think she
love's you more than you realize); 5)
Read the chapter on Unsatisfactory Intimacy.
QUESTION
3 - My wife and I can't
talk about certain things (money, sex,
in-laws) without getting into a fight.
Help!
ANSWER - You are not alone.
Communication with a loved one on a
sensitive and controversial subject can
be very complex, even though the skills
for success are composed of simple
principles and straightforward steps. If
your companion is willing, try reading together
the section in "Emotional 1st
Aid" on Communication. As you
read together, discuss what seems
applicable and decide on just one or two
of the exercises you'd like to work on.
If reading together isn't mutually
agreeable at this time, you can go to
that section yourself and find
some things that you can do to improve
your own skills. For a 2 minute review of
the communication section, read the Summary and Success Story.
QUESTION
2 - I never
seem to be able to do enough. I am always
worried that I'll be demoted or fired.
What can I do to feel normal?
ANSWER
- This is a very
common feeling, but it doesn't have to be
that way. The cause is often the result
of trying to please others or to
accomplish something in order to feel
that one has value. The truth is that we
are all born with intrinic worth (a human
being, a child of God).. You can get
relief from this way of feeling
"less than" by reading any of
the excellent books on codependency or by
attending one of the 12 Step Recovery
Programs. The opposite feeling to the one
you are experiencing is, "I am OK. I
am not better or worse than any other
human being. There are lots of people who
will love me just for who I am. What I DO
is not as important as WHO I AM."
Becoming your natural self, like you were
as a very young child, is possible by
acquiring some skills and giving yourself
permission to "just be." See Principle
5: Recognizing Your Inherent Worth
QUESTION
1 - I can't
stop thinking about a certain person at
work. I know that this is inappropriate,
because we are both married, but I find
myself daydreaming all the time about how
much better my life would be if we could
just get together. I am married to a good
man and these feelings make me feel
scared, confused and guilty.
ANSWER
- I understand how you
feel and can see that repeating this self
destructive pattern is painful for you.
Sometimes, it is better to just get rid
of the pain and the pattern instead of
dwelling on why or how you doing this
behavior. You know consciously that your
choice is to make a better life with your
husband and that your thoughts and
energies should be put there. I suggest
you read the section in "Emotional
1st Aid" on Principle
1: Controlling Your Thoughts to get
specific steps to getting your
subconscious mind back on appropriate
subjects. Then consider focusing on
improving your marriage by looking at the
chapters on Communication and Intimacy.
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