Barrier 1
Lack of Real or Perceived
Commitment
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "Does he
love me?"
"He
cares more about . . . than he
cares about me."
- Feelings:
- Anxious,
insecure.
- Actions:
- Spending less and
less time doing positive things
together.
GENERAL
INFORMATION
If
intimacy means that two people love each
other and are committed and that one
person's commitment is questionable, the
meaning of sexual behavior can be
confusing. One partner may be left
wondering if sex means anything beyond
the pleasure of the moment to the other
partner. Confusion usually leads to
misunderstanding and hurt feelings,
creating an environment that is not
conducive to intimacy.
Although
sexual difficulty or dissatisfaction does
not always suggest a lack of commitment,
a lack of commitment is usually
accompanied by sexual difficulty, if not
in the beginning, then later on in the
relationship.
Key point:
A common underlying cause of sexual
dissatisfaction is a real or
perceived lack of commitment.
STEPS TO
REMOVING THE BARRIER
- Decide you are
willing to honestly evaluate how
committed you are to your spouse,
as compared to other
relationships or activities. Reason:
Some people are more committed
than they think or communicate,
while others are less committed.
Only you can objectively and
completely evaluate your degree
of commitment.
Myth:
Commitment means you are irrevocably
trapped.
Fact:
Entering into a commitment and
remaining committed is a choice
that you, and you alone, control.
- List your
priorities in life as they
currently stand, not as you might
think they should stand
(self, God, marriage, work,
etc.). A common mistake is
forgetting to place yourself on
your priority list.
- Key
Point: If
you neglect your own
personal welfare, even
for the sake of your
marriage, you will not be
at your best.
- Consider the
following questions designed to
assist you in evaluating how
committed you are to your spouse:
-
- Do you
generally prefer to be
with your spouse or with
work, children, friends,
recreation, yourself,
etc.?
- Do you
consider your marriage to
be your most important
relationship, other than
your relationship with
the Lord and with
yourself?
- Do your
actions suggest you are
committed to your spouse?
Myth:
Commitment means you always feel
loving toward your spouse and do
what he wants you to do.
Fact:
Feelings, like the waves of the
sea, are constantly rising and
falling. A commitment is more
than how you feel. The root of a
commitment is a decision you make
in your mind, that when acted
upon bears fruit in the form of
your actions. It is something
special that is within you.
- Reevaluate your
priorities. Make sure you
continue doing important
nonmarital things, while at the
same time, putting your marriage
ahead of work, children, friends,
recreation, T.V., hobbies, or
anything else. Then, if needed,
make the most powerful and
important marital decision
possible: decide to put your
marriage first.
- Trap:
Trying to make your
spouse believe you are
committed. Reason:
Like the root of a tree,
your decision to be
committed to your spouse
is beneath the surface,
within the private
confines of your mind. It
cannot be seen by another
person with absolute
certainty.
Avoid
the trap: Let
your actions, more than
your words, be seen as
the evidence or fruit of
your commitment. Act out
your commitment by
spending quality time
with your companion,
keeping your word, even
when it is inconvenient,
etc.
Caution:
If your spouse feels hurt
or mistrust, it may take
him weeks or months to
see and taste the fruit
of your commitment. Be
patient.
Myth:
Commitment means your spouse
feels you are committed.
Fact: You
and you alone--not anyone
else--can determine if you are
committed, and if so, to what
extent. Ironically, your spouse
may feel you are committed, when
in fact, you are not--or vice
versa.
- Discuss with your
spouse how committed you are to
each other.
- To reaffirm and
strengthen your commitment: place
your companion's picture where
you can see it daily. Whenever
you are involved with someone or
something that once was, or could
become, more important than your
spouse,
- Say
to yourself:
- "My
marriage is more
important to me
than..."
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Communicate
your commitment by telling your
spouse daily, if possible, that
you love him and that he is more
important to you than anyone or
anything else, even if he does
not fully believe you at first.
Discuss with your
spouse the types of words and
behaviors that mean commitment
and love to both of you. A common
mistake is that you do something
that means commitment to you such
as bringing home a paycheck or
making a meal, and your spouse
does not attach the same meaning
to what you did. This results in
misunderstanding and hurt
feelings.
- Caution:
Participating in sexual
intimacy prior to both of
you being committed may
interfere with the
progress of the
relationship, as well as
cause unnecessary pain or
sexual dissatisfaction,
or both.
GO TO:
Next barrier: Trying To
Control Emotions
Sexual Problems Chapter
Overview
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