Barrier 2
Trying to
Control Emotions
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "A mature
adult is one who controls his
emotions. If I don't control my
feelings, I may do something I'll
regret. I must be careful or I'll
get hurt."
- Feelings:
- Afraid of being
hurt, losing control, or doing
something unreasonable. Feeling
numb.
- Actions:
- Appearing
unusually calm, strong, quiet,
stable, or unemotional. Rarely
talking about feelings.
GENERAL
INFORMATION
Nobody
wants to feel frightened, insecure, or
hurt--especially when it comes to
intimacy. Rather than risk being hurt,
some people--whether consciously or
unconsciously--decide not to let
themselves get close. In a misguided
attempt to control emotion, some people
become emotionally and sexually numb;
others go through the physical motions of
sex without feeling loving and intimate.
Paradoxically,
the more you focus on your feelings or
avoid them, the less able you are to
enjoy intimacy. By permitting yourself to
fully experience waves of emotion,
whether pleasant or not, without any form
of tampering, you are better able to
learn to swim in the exciting and
sometimes turbulent waters of love.
STEPS TO
REMOVING THE BARRIER
- Notice times you
experienced emotion without
trying to control it. Especially
think of times with your spouse
when you were not so concerned
about controlling emotion or
about losing control (maybe when
you played tennis, kissed
good-bye, hugged, or participated
in an intimate conversation).
- Caution:
This does not refer to
times you were thinking
irrationally or behaving
irresponsibly. Such
thoughts or behavior,
obviously, invite your
attention and
self-control.
Example:
At a restaurant with your spouse,
you allowed yourself to feel
anticipation and excitement about
the meal, or even disappointment
or frustration, without being
unduly hurt or acting
irresponsibly. How did you do it?
You probably did not think you
were "losing control."
Why not?
- Key
Point:
When you feel good, you
usually do not try to
control your feelings (I
am referring to your
internal feelings here,
not your external
behavior). You have
learned by experience
that controlling the
thoughts and behavior
that bring about the good
feelings, rather than
trying to control the
feelings themselves,
allows you to generally
feel better and for a
longer period of time.
(Too many people get into
denial and stuff their
feelings when they try to
ignore, fight, or control
how they feel.)
- Try an
experiment. The next time you are
feeling really good, focus on how
you are feeling and try as hard
as you can to control it. Try to
hold on to the feeling so it does
not escape you. Notice how the
harder you try to directly
control emotion, the worse you
tend to feel.
- Try another
experiment. Select a time with
your spouse when you can
participate in some mutually
agreeable sexual activity during
which you tend to feel a little
uncomfortable. In a gentle and
loving way begin the activity.
Instead of trying to control your
emotions (trying to fight or
change how you feel), monitor
them on a scale of one to ten
with ten being the most
uncomfortable you have ever felt
and one being the absence of any
significant discomfort.
Notice
how the feelings of discomfort
tend to subside as you
acknowledge, rather than fight
them. Repeat the experiment on
several occasions, if necessary,
until you can accept rather than
resist any uncomfortable
feelings.
- Caution:
Since this is an
emotional experiment, do
not judge your sexual
performance. Just observe
your emotions and
reactions.
- For one week,
whether during intimacy or your
regular activities, rather than
trying to control your emotions,
try taking the following actions:
- Give
yourself permission to
fully experience your
emotions whether pleasant
or unpleasant.
- Say
to yourself:
- "It's
more important to control
my thoughts and actions
than my emotions."
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- Acknowledge
and accept the existence
of your emotions as you
would acknowledge
fluctuations of your
automobile's instruments.
- Use your
emotions as a key to
provide valuable
information about
yourself and ways you can
improve.
- Share
your feelings within the
Three Rules for Good
Communication (Be Kind,
Be Honest, and Have
Constructive Intent).
GO TO:
Next barrier: Fear of
Failure
Previous barrier: Lack of
Real or Perceived Commitment
Sexual Problems Chapter
Overview
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