Barrier 3
Fear of Failure
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "I've got to
do it right this time. But what
if I can't?"
- Feelings:
- Anxiety,
nervousness, fear,
discouragement, depression,
apathy.
- Actions:
- Trying too hard
or avoiding trying.
GENERAL
INFORMATION
One
of the greatest lectures on sexual
difficulties was given by Franklin D.
Roosevelt: "You have nothing to fear
but fear itself." Fear of failure
itself "interFEARS" with
learning and enjoyment. Most people have
more trouble being "at their
best" when under pressure to
perform. Even those who seem to do well
under pressure do not usually handle
intimacy very well if they are afraid of
failing.
STEPS TO
REMOVING THE BARRIER
- Think of and
discuss times when you were not
afraid of failing (sexually or
nonsexually). What was different
about those times? Especially
note what was different during
the nonsexual times when you were
relaxed and having a good time
together.
- Place the sexual
difficulty, which may initially
appear large and overwhelming,
into a context and perspective
that will render it more
manageable by taking the
following actions:
- Ask
yourself:
- "Is
the relationship itself
or my sexual performance
more important?"
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- Key
Point: For
a healthy, long-lasting
relationship, it is
essential that
individuals consider
their overall
relationship as more
important than any single
aspect of the
relationship.
-
- Whenever
you think about intimacy
not going as well as you
would like, remind
yourself and your partner
that your love for each
other is more important
than the present concern.
- Imagine
that you or your spouse
have a medical problem
interfering with or
preventing sexual
satisfaction. Would you
still love him? Discuss
why you love each other
through storms of medical
problems or even sexual
difficulties. When sex is
not the most important
part of the relationship,
sexual difficulties are
more readily resolved
because they are more of
a discomfort or
inconvenience than a
problem to be feared.
- Notice
some of the things each
of you do to show the
relationship is more
important than sexual
performance. For example,
you may verbally reassure
each other that this
difficulty is small
compared to your love and
commitment to each other.
You may also convey your
love by continuing to
enjoy doing a variety of
things together, as well
as simply being kind and
respectful to each other,
even though sexual
activity is not yet as
good as you would like.
- Redefine the
meaning of success and failure in
a way to encourage success and
discourage the likelihood of
failure, by taking the following
actions:
-
- Divide
success in intimacy into
two categories--primary
and secondary success:
Primary
Success: That which
is essential for building
a great relationship
(love, commitment, giving
and receiving nonsexual
affection, willingness to
work together to solve
any marital
difficulties).
Secondary
Success: That which
is desirable, like the
frosting on a cake,
though less important
than the cake itself
(erection, orgasm, having
the kinds of feelings
during intimacy you
prefer, etc.).
- Caution:
Since secondary success
cannot be as directly or
immediately controlled as
primary success, trying
too hard to obtain
secondary success
actually interferes with
achieving it.
- Draw a
vertical line down the
center of a piece of
paper. Write Primary
Success on the top of one
side of the line and
Secondary Success on the
top of the other side.
Privately consider
factors pertaining to
overall intimacy as well
as sexual intimacy and
place them in either the
Primary or Secondary
Success category.
- Before
you share your paper with
your spouse, agree with
each other that although
secondary success is
important, primary
success is even more
important and will
generally precede
secondary success. Also,
agree that failure will
only occur when someone
permanently gives up hope
and stops trying. Then
respectfully and honestly
share and discuss your
paper.
- Key
Point: By
placing primary success
first, you build the
foundation from which you
can learn to achieve
secondary success without
the interference of fear.
- Practice
focusing more of your
attention and efforts on
what you define as your
primary success. As your
primary successes
increase in quantity and
quality, there is greater
likelihood of secondary
success.
- Utilize fear to
help build a better and more
loving relationship, by taking
the following actions:
-
- Think
about what you are
specifically afraid of
failing to achieve during
intimacy (such as
erection, orgasm, or
having the kinds of
feelings you prefer).
- Whenever
you think of or
experience something you
used to fear, or consider
a failure, connect it
with something positive.
For instance, if orgasm
does not occur, give each
other a reward for trying
and for achieving some
primary success.
Examples:
-
- Give a
back rub, listen to some
favorite music, spend
time talking about
something light, plan a
night out, etc.). Result:
Instead of resisting the
fear, inadvertently
making things worse, you
are using it to help
strengthen your
relationship.
- Notice
and discuss how much love
and effort was shown by
each person in the
process of giving and
receiving love,
regardless of the
results. Afterwards, you
can strengthen and
reinforce the foundation
of the relationship by
saying something nice,
giving a hug, or sending
a little note of thanks.
- Allow
yourself to ride out the
wave of fear, knowing
that in time it will
pass. Meanwhile, give
each other extra
consideration and
reassurance. Do not fight
or resist the fear.
GO TO:
Next barrier: Attaching
Undue Meaning To Sexual Activity Or
Performance
Previous barrier: Trying
to Control Emotions
Sexual Problems Chapter
Overview
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