Barrier 4: Attaching Undo Meaning To Sexual Performance

In every healthy marriage, there are times when one person wants to be sexually intimate and the other is not interested. Just as your desire to go out to dinner may not always coincide with your spouse's desire to eat out, so it is with sexual desire. You may feel like going out one night, while he is not the least bit interested, or vice versa. You probably would not think, "If he loves me, he will feel like going out the same time I feel like going out." You would just think he does not feel like it tonight and not think any more about it.

Sometimes, however, it can be tempting to take "no" to intimacy as a personal rejection or statement about your personal worth, thinking "I must not be very desirable." Usually it means nothing of the sort. Often it simply means he is tired, preoccupied, stressed, or emotionally drained. Sometimes one person reacts to stress by desiring to be physically close, while the other responds by preferring to be alone. If you attach a meaning to his "no" that says you are not worthwhile or that he does not love you, you may be creating a problem that does not exist.

If your spouse feels pressure to make you feel worthwhile or loved by initiating sexual activity, he may lose his desire. Or he may sincerely try to please you, only to discover that no matter how hard he tries, you still feel down. He may then feel that he is failing--and consequently feel frustrated or inadequate. When you see his lack of desire or frustration, you may mistakenly think his feelings mean you are not worthwhile or loved. This creates a vicious, escalating cycle.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

Think of times when the lack of sexual intimacy did not significantly affect your feelings of worth, happiness, or love. What was different then? How did you do it?
Example: Keith and Shauna often became embroiled in conflict when she said, "No." I asked them to think of a time when they did not have a problem with "no." At first, they could not think of any exceptions to their problem. Then they recalled one time.

After a romantic night out, Keith had been looking forward with excited anticipation to being intimate with his wife. Just as he began to give her a passionate kiss, she said "Not tonight, dear." Then she added, "I love you and enjoyed our evening together. I just don't feel up to it now. How about a rain check?" Keith was disappointed to say the least. His natural reaction was to object, but this time he thought more of her than of himself. He did not want her to feel like it was the worst thing in the world that ever happened to him, so he did something unusual. He said, "Shauna, although I am disappointed, I too love you very much, and it's okay."

As we discussed that night, they began to discover some solutions to their problem.
Think about what sexual intimacy means to you. Does it mean "I love you" or does it just mean physical pleasure? Do you view it as the frosting on the marital cake or the cake itself? Is your love for each other communicated in many ways, with sexual intimacy just being one special way to express it? Or is sex the primary or only way of expressing love?
Gently invite your spouse to discuss the meanings both of you attach to intimacy. This will result in increased understanding which will create a more supportive environment for constructively dealing with any sexual difficulties.
1. Key Point: It is initially more important to understand and respect each other's way of thinking than it is to think the same way.
  Caution: Many people have never stopped to think about the meaning of sex, so be patient if it takes awhile to identify and share how you or your spouse feels.
Do not assume you know what your companion's behavior means, especially when there is some difficulty, unless he has clearly explained it to you. It would be better to say to yourself, "I don't know what this means." Then, if you are still interested, ask your spouse. You might say something like, "I love you very much and would like to know what our current sexual situation means."
Each time you discuss such a personal and intimate matter, preface your discussion by verbally reaffirming your love and commitment to each other. Say to each other something like, "I love you--and our relationship is more important to me than our current concerns."
1. Key Point: Before you work on discussing and improving the sexual aspect of your relationship, make sure you are both rested, relaxed, and in somewhat of a good mood.
  Common trap: Treating a sexual difficulty as if it were more important than the relationship itself, even though you know it is not. Solution: Compare how much of your time is spent thinking about and discussing your sexual concerns, as compared to other aspects of your relationship. Strive to spend the vast majority of your time working on enjoying or improving the overall relationship, as opposed to focusing on just one part of it.
Do you tend to think that your identity or self-worth is associated with sexual activity or performance? If so, please see Core Principle 5: "Self-Worth".
Do you tend to think your happiness or personal sense of security is associated with sexual activity or performance? If so, please see Core Principle 6: "Personal Security".

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Next barrier: Missing Ingredient(s) In The Relationship
Previous barrier: Fear of Failure
Sexual Problems Chapter Overview

Copyright @ John R. Fishbein, Ph.D. 2000 All Rights Reserved