Barrier 5
Missing
Ingredient(s) in the Relationship
COMMON
INDICATORS
- Thoughts:
- "Something
is missing in our relationship.
If things were going better
sexually, everything else would
be fine."
- Feelings:
- Tension, hurt,
numbness, etc.
- Actions:
- Over involvement
in one area of life (sex, work,
children, recreation, hobbies,
etc.).
GENERAL
INFORMATION
If
an essential ingredient is missing in a
marriage, the delicate balance between
psychological, physiological, emotional,
and spiritual factors necessary for
sexual intimacy will be disrupted. Sexual
difficulties can be a healthy warning
signal that something in the relationship
requires attention and correction before
satisfactory intimacy can be resumed or
obtained.
-
- Interesting
Note: Approximately 90% of
sexual problems clear up
spontaneously when missing
personal or marital ingredients
are taken care of.
STEPS TO
REMOVING THE BARRIER
- Make a list of
the satisfactory aspects of your
marriage.
- Examine your list
to see if you are missing
anything you would consider
absolutely essential for a good
marriage. Examples: Respect,
kindness, commitment,
communication, responsibility,
hygiene, problem solving skills.
- Caution:
Having some sexual
difficulty does not
necessarily mean an
essential ingredient is
missing. If you do not
find any missing
ingredients, see other
barriers.
- If you do find a
missing ingredient, ask yourself
some important questions. Do you
really consider that ingredient
to be an absolute necessity for
you to have a good marriage or
are you willing to learn to get
along without it?
- Key
Point: If you
consider a particular
ingredient an essential
requirement for your
marriage, it must be
corrected before sexual
intimacy can be mutually
satisfactory.
- Utilize sexual
difficulty as a healthy warning
signal reminding you to examine
yourself and the relationship,
looking for essential areas in
which to make corrections or
improvements.
- Caution:
Ongoing sexual activity
or disagreements about
sexual matters can
unintentionally prevent
the identification and
correction of missing
marital ingredients.
- If, for some
reason, you feel obligated to
make love, consider whether you
can honestly and sincerely do so
as long as that important
ingredient is missing.
- Ask
yourself:
- "How
long can you continue to
make love out of
obligation and still
respect yourself and your
spouse?"
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- Decide that
adding the essential missing
ingredient is more basic and
important to your marriage than
the current sexual concerns.
Agree with your spouse that both
of you will initially work harder
on providing the missing
ingredient than on trying to
correct the sexual difficulties.
- If, however, he
insists on continuing sexual
activity without acknowledging
and working on providing the
missing ingredient(s), you have
an important decision to make. Do
you wish to participate in
frosting the cake while a basic
essential ingredient is missing?
- If you decide to
temporarily postpone sexual
activities until progress is made
in working toward providing the
missing ingredient(s), write a
brief note to your spouse.
Include:
- What you
appreciate about your
spouse.
- Your
concern about the missing
ingredient(s).
- Your
specific hopes for a
better relationship.
- What
actions you are currently
going to take.
- Caution:
If your intent is
genuinely respectful and
constructive, as opposed
to manipulative, you can
proceed, even if your
spouse does not
understand at first.
However, if your intent
is to postpone sex to get
your spouse to make some
changes, you are out of
line. Your intent, as
much as your actions,
determines whether you
are being respectful and
constructive or whether
you are being
manipulative.
- Frequently
reassure your spouse of your love
and of your desire to strengthen
and build the relationship.
Repeatedly let him know you
expect the sexual difficulties
will be resolved after taking
care of the missing
ingredient(s).
Reason:
When one person makes a change in
sexual behavior, it is very easy
for the other person to interpret
the change as being manipulative,
even if it is not, or to
misunderstand the message and
think he is not worthwhile or
lovable.
- If, however,
after a few weeks you and your
spouse are not working together
or making progress, consider
seeking professional help. (See How To Select A
Therapist.)
GO TO:
Next barrier: Basing Your
Security Or Happiness On Your Spouse
Previous barrier:
Attaching Undue Meaning To Sexual
Activity Or Performance
Sexual Problems Chapter
Overview
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