Barrier 7: Too Busy or Too Tired

Just as you cannot fully enjoy a fine dinner when you are tired, rushed, or in conflict with yourself or your spouse, intimacy is no different. If your life is out of balance, it is unlikely you will be able to fully enjoy intimacy.

For sex to be truly intimate and meaningful, it not only takes a great amount of love and attention outside the bedroom, but a great amount of emotional energy and work in the bedroom. Ironically, some people put more preparation into going out to dinner than into making love. If you do not have enough energy to participate in intimacy, let alone enjoy it, it is unreasonable to force it.

Key Point: Most sexual difficulties are prevented or corrected outside of the bedroom.

STEPS TO REMOVING THE BARRIER

Take time to go to the doctor and get a complete physical if you have not had one in the last year--just to be on the safe side.
Review how you spent your time during the last week. Take a piece of paper and make seven columns, one for each day of the week. On the left side of the paper write various times of the day, beginning with the earliest time you might arise, to the latest time you would go to sleep (not just go to bed). Fill in the columns with your activities during the last week.
Evaluate how well you balanced your life between work, marital, family, and personal activities. Are you getting enough rest, exercise, and nutrition?
1. Caution: If your life is out-of-balance in any of these areas, intimacy is not likely to be satisfactory except perhaps in a brief physical sense.
Consider how much time you spent last week with your spouse in a pleasant, relaxed, enjoyable, and uplifting manner, independent of any sexual activity. How much time did you spend just talking in a friendly, unrushed manner?
1. Key Point: Unless you both agree that you have shared some quality time together, intimacy is not likely to be very intimate.
Discuss what can be done to increase the quality time you share together. Ideas: have a weekly or monthly business-like lunch, have a daily or weekly telephone conversation, take a regular walk, go out on a weekly date, write each other a weekly letter.
Result: Just spending time together, regardless of what you do, provides an opportunity to revitalize the relationship, relieve stress, prevent or solve problems, and create an environment where love can be more fully and satisfactorily expressed.
Discuss what usually occurs during the hour preceding lovemaking. Consider whether those activities are relaxing, refreshing, romantic, etc.
1. Key Point: Although you can rush through fast-food restaurants, making love is more like enjoying dessert after a fine meal.
Discuss the preparations and conditions necessary for you and your spouse to enjoy a fine dinner and dessert together. Reason: Many of the principles and practices associated with a successful meal are similar to those necessary for successful intimacy. Notice the importance of not being rushed, overly stressed, or more concerned with the meal than with each other. Consider how you treat each other before, during, and after the meal.
1. Key Point: Notice how you give the entire meal your attention and enjoyment, rather than focusing mainly on the dessert.
Plan a special dinner out together and see what you can learn about intimacy.
If you do not seem to be finding sufficient opportunities to make love, consider providing regular periods of time where you can privately enjoy being together, whether or not you become physically intimate.
Example: Go to bed an hour early a few times a week to talk, read, or just be together--without any pressure to make love. Result: By providing the opportunity to be intimate, without any pressure or demand to do so, you will increase the likelihood of mutually desirable and satisfactory intimacy.
Observe how you convey your love to each other immediately after being physically intimate. Do you hug, kiss, hold hands, quietly talk, say something loving, etc.? If you almost immediately roll over and go to sleep, consider what message you may inadvertently be sending your spouse.

SUCCESS STORY

Although Brian and Mary Lou loved each other very much, the sexual aspect of their marriage was deteriorating. For quite some time, Mary Lou's interest in making love had been decreasing. She seemed to be more and more going through the motions without the emotions.

Brian was a good man, but there were a few things that really bothered Mary Lou. It seemed like the only time he wanted to be physically close was when he wanted sex. Mary Lou hesitated to tell me the other thing that bothered her because it seemed so trivial. I reassured her it is often the accumulation of the small things that slowly erode intimacy in a marriage. Mary Lou finally told me that Brian sometimes had bad breath.

Even though there were many times she wanted to say, "No," to having sex or ask him to use a mouthwash, she did not because she believed his needs were more important than her feelings. When she did muster up the courage to say "No," Brian, though not abusive, was obviously upset. For quite awhile, Brian did not realize anything was wrong, but, when he did become aware, he suggested Mary Lou see a counselor. He was certain he did not have any "sexual problems."

SEEKING SOLUTIONS

Mary Lou came alone to my office, as do about half of those with marital concerns, seeking help for what she was afraid was her problem. As Mary Lou explained their situation, I did not try to figure out who was to blame or who had the "problem," rather I wanted to determine what resources were available to create a solution. It did not take long to determine each of them had important responsibilities for obtaining a solution. Mary Lou quickly caught on to my message that we were going to shift from her problem-oriented approach, which asked a lot of "whys?" and tended to point fingers, to a solution-oriented approach, which looked to each spouse as having experiences, ideas, and skills that will contribute to a solution. The result was a lot of relief and hope.

REDISCOVERING HER RIGHTS

When I asked Mary Lou about her rights relative to intimacy, she seemed a little confused because she thought mainly of her husband's rights and her duties. We discussed her rights in other aspects of her life, and she realized her thinking was clear and she generally stood up for what she believed. "Do you have the right to say `Yes' or `No' to intimacy?" I asked. She was unclear of where the line was between her rights and his needs. I explained, "Unless you have the right and the skill to say `No,' you are not truly free to say `Yes.'" Nor was she free to fully enjoy intimacy. Intellectually she knew she had such rights, but she was afraid that by exercising her rights she might deny Brian of something he needed.

I explained that sexual desire is a powerful passion and appetite, rather than a "need" like food or water. Whether Brian knew it or not, he was quite capable of rationally postponing sexual satisfaction, if necessary, in order to make a few important personal and relationship adjustments. Then they would be able to more fully enjoy their relationship, as well as the frosting on the cake.

Mary Lou was still hesitant about saying "No" and upsetting Brian until she realized he only had the tendency to become upset--he did not have to become upset. It was up to him. Even if he initially was upset, he was quite capable of later understanding that she still loved him and was simply doing a few things differently so they could have a better marriage.

Caution: If Mary Lou said, "No" nicely and her intent was manipulative, her actions would be disrespectful and counterproductive. She assured me she was not trying to use sex as leverage to make Brian change. She just wanted to have the right to say "Yes" or "No," depending on how she felt at the time.

SETTING MINIMUM STANDARDS

Mary Lou's next step was to see that she had a basic right to determine for herself the conditions under which she was willing to be intimate. At first she thought I was suggesting she try to dictate to Brian how he had to behave--that she was going to try to make him do what she wanted. I reassured Mary Lou that any such intent on my part or her part would be disrespectful, manipulative, and simply wrong.

I asked, "If Brian wanted to make love on the front lawn, would you do it?"

"Certainly not," she immediately replied. She was able to respond so quickly because of her personal standards or prerequisites for intimacy. Her requirement had nothing to do with trying to dictate or control Brian; it was simply her intention to exercise her right to be intimate under conditions she found acceptable.

One of her homework assignments was to make a list of her minimum standards or requirements for intimacy. Mary Lou asked if she could put something as simple as clean breath on her list. I assured her that was certainly her choice, and besides, it seemed to be a reasonable requirement.

SHARING HER INTENTIONS

I asked Mary Lou to return home and gently explain to Brian what we talked about and how she believed they would soon be able to have more enjoyable intimacy now that she better understood that they both had certain rights. I asked her to invite Brian to write up his own list of minimum standards for intimacy before she shared hers with him.

Even though her explanations to Brian were kind and her intentions were respectful, he still misinterpreted her independence as being manipulative and threatening. He was hurt and angry. He thought because they loved each other, making love should just occur naturally without any demands placed on him.

I asked Mary Lou to write a loving letter explaining (1) her appreciation for Brian; (2) her concerns about their deteriorating love life, and (3) her thoughts of what they could do about it. She explained she wanted to have more times when they talked, shared feelings, held hands, hugged, or kissed without any pressure or expectation to have sex. She added that a little bit of breath freshener or mouthwash would also be helpful. Mary Lou closed the letter by reassuring Brian of her love for him and that she had absolutely no desire to withhold something from him that he enjoyed, nor any desire to force him to change. She too wanted things to be closer and better for both of them.

RESPONDING TO THE CHANGES

After a few weeks on an emotional roller coaster ride, Brian came in to see me, as most reluctant companions eventually do. He had seen Mary Lou become stronger and realized, too, that she loved him very much, even though she was indicating a few things needed to be changed. He admitted he was not very comfortable with being close except in bed, but he wanted to learn. As Brian learned to express affection in nonsexual ways, they both became happier as they drew closer together. The irony for this couple was that Brian was so happy and satisfied with their newfound closeness, there were even a few times when he was the one who said, "No."

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Copyright @ John R. Fishbein, Ph.D. 2000 All Rights Reserved