Sexual Problems
OVERVIEW
Sex
is easy. It is instinctive and generally
pleasurable for all living species.
People throughout the world, for
thousands of years and without the
"benefit" of sex manuals or
therapists, have successfully reproduced.
Your
overall relationship with your spouse can
be compared to a beautiful cake with
sexual intimacy being the frosting on the
cake. If after preparing the ingredients
for a cake, you realize you are out of
sugar, there are several options. You
could go ahead and bake the cake anyway,
later on trying to make up for the lack
of sweetness by applying extra frosting.
Although that might create the appearance
of a great cake, it would lack in
substance and satisfaction. Or, better
yet, you could take the more time
consuming and difficult course of first
doing whatever it takes to provide all
of the essential ingredients.
Key Point:
If a marriage is lacking an essential
ingredient, focusing on sexual
performance alone will not produce a
satisfactory outcome.
Whereas
sex is easy, developing a loving,
intimate relationship based on respect,
communication, unselfishness,
self-control, etc., takes a powerful
commitment and a lot of hard work and
patience. As two people develop such a
relationship, they find there are many
intimate, personal ways to express their
love. Sexual activity is just one such
way to convey love.
INTIMACY
IS MORE THAN SEX
Many
people think of intimacy as mainly
referring to sexual activity. Although
intimacy may include sexual activity,
intimacy itself is much larger and more
important than sexual activity. Intimacy
includes all the essential aspects of the
relationship (love, respect, commitment,
communication, kindness, unselfishness,
emotional and physical closeness). Even
the more physical part of intimacy
includes many intimate aspects that are
not sexual (sitting next to each other,
giving a loving touch, holding hands,
hugging, kissing, cuddling).
Paradoxically, when sex takes on greater
significance than other essential aspects
of marriage, unsatisfactory intimacy is
often the result.
Sex,
without intimacy, is shallow and only
briefly satisfying. When sex does not
mean anything more than passing passion
or physical pleasure, it tends to become
progressively less satisfying. Some
people become less interested, while
others seek more sex or different types
of stimulation in order to feel
satisfied. Yet they find nothing but
dissatisfaction.
Key Point:
Overall intimacy is essential in
order for sexual intimacy to be fully
enjoyed.
When
people experience sexual difficulties,
they often incorrectly assume that the
root of the difficulty is sexual. Result:
Over-emphasis on one aspect of the
relationship, excessive blame,
self-doubt, frustration, resentment, and
worst of all, overlooking the areas where
the solutions are often found. The sexual
difficulties of about 90% of the people
who come to my office, for example, are
resolved without focusing on the sexual
problem itself. Instead, when couples
focus on identifying and providing the
essential ingredient(s) often lacking in
the overall relationship, intimacy in
general usually improves. In time, sexual
intimacy becomes more enjoyable as well.
Key Point:
By placing more importance and
attention on improving the overall
relationship, sexual intimacy
naturally tends to improve.
COMMITMENT:
FOUNDATION OF INTIMACY
The
central feature of intimacy, whether it
be sexual intimacy or not, is commitment.
Commitment is another word for love. When
two people make a commitment to each
other, along with common goals, values,
respect, and friendship they have the
foundation for building a great
relationship. The root of lasting, secure
love is the commitment two people make to
each other. Whereas the feelings of love
rise and fall like the tide of the sea,
commitment is like a solid rock basking
in the sunshine, even withstanding the
pounding of crashing waves.
Key Point:
Feelings of love usually accompany
commitment, but commitment does not
necessarily accompany feelings of
love.
Intimacy
can be expressed and shared in a tender,
meaningful and lasting manner without
sex. I have seen a loving husband wheel
his severely brain-damaged wife into
church, tenderly holding her unresponsive
hand throughout the entire meeting. I
have seen a wife whose husband was
rapidly failing with Alzheimer's disease,
lovingly reminding him of his name. Such
examples of intimacy, built over the
years on a foundation of commitment and
love are more solid than any emotion or
passing passion could ever be.
The
love and commitment a husband and wife
have for each other can also be
intimately expressed in a sexual way.
Sexual intimacy, in addition to being the
means of bringing children into the
world, then becomes an important and
enjoyable symbol of their commitment and
love. As two people learn to become
increasingly intimate in their overall
relationship, not just in bed, their love
will grow, as will their ability to enjoy
a deeper and more lasting form of sexual
intimacy.There are seven common barriers
that can interfere with resolving
unsatisfactory intimacy. By identifying
and removing the barriers getting in your
way, you will be in a better position to
work toward achieving the quality of
intimacy you desire.
Barriers
to Resolving Sexual Problems
Barrier 1: Lack of
real or perceived commitment
Barrier 2: Trying
to control emotion
Barrier 3: Fear of
failure
Barrier 4:
Attaching undue meaning to sexual
activity or performance
Barrier 5: Missing
ingredient(s) in the relationship
Barrier 6: Basing
your security or happiness on your spouse
Barrier 7: Too
busy, too tired, or just not interested
in physical intimacy
Summary
|
|
