CORE PRINCIPLE 5
RECOGNIZE YOUR INHERENT
WORTH
Feelings of
self-worth fluctuate throughout life,
but your intrinsic worth and identity
is a God-given fact that is secure
and permanent. You have an inherent
value independent of your feelings,
your actions, or your accomplishments.
Steps to Applying the
Principle
Success Story
GENERAL
INFORMATION
I
do not know anyone who does not get down
on himself occasionally. Everyone,
regardless of age, intellect,
accomplishment, position, or popularity,
feels "I am not O.K.," or
"I am not good enough" at
times. These feelings come and go for all
of us, regardless of our circumstances. Feelings
of worth--as opposed to the facts
of your inherent worth--are like the
waves of the sea--continuously rising and
falling. The only secure thing about the
emotion of self-worth is that it is
continuously in motion.
Self-worth
is commonly thought of as something a
person can get or lose. It is often
measured by external things such as
wealth, popularity, accomplishment, or
others' opinions. For example, a person
with great financial worth is often
thought of as a worthwhile person.
Nevertheless, money only measures wealth,
not the things that really matter like
happiness, love, intelligence, common
sense, and family closeness. If internal
worth is measured by external standards
or fickle feelings over which you do not
have complete control, your identity and
your self-worth is built upon a shaky
foundation.
BASIC
PREMISE
Although
the accomplishment of worthwhile things
and a feeling of being worthwhile are
highly desirable, I view self-worth more
as a concrete fact than as an
accomplishment or feeling. I believe each
of us was born with a natural, spiritual,
and biological predisposition to value
ourselves as persons with inherent worth
independent of success, failure, or the
opinions of others.
Your
inherent worth--as distinguished from the
worth of your accomplishments and your
worth to others--is like the pedigree or
certificate of a thoroughbred horse. It
is permanent and irrevocable. No opinion,
feeling, or accomplishment can change
your intrinsic identity and worth.
Somewhere
inside of you is a natural sense of
"I am" or identity.
Permanently stamped or imprinted deeply
in your mind is the certain knowledge
that "I am me, a person of
worth." Even when you make a
mistake, experience failure, or feel
worthless, your natural sense of
self-worth says, "That's okay, just
try again."
At
birth you were given a name to identify
who you are and to differentiate you from
others. As a child with a natural sense
of identity and worth--unless you were
taught otherwise--there was no need to
struggle with the age-old, philosophical
question, "Who am I?" You knew
who you were, even when you stumbled and
fell.
For
young children, usually less than eight
years old, identity is not a question, it
is a fact. Just ask a child, "Who
are you?" You will undoubtedly hear,
"I am Shannon" or
"I am Melissa." You can
ask the child to think of a time when he
made a mistake or got into trouble, then
ask him again, "Who are you?"
The child will still tend to think in
natural terms, "I am
Shannon," rather than with the
common adult tendency to add a negative
label, such as, "I am stupid
or not good enough."
Other
than your name, you do not need a label
to be special or unique. You are unique.
Your particular combination of strengths,
weaknesses, potential, and heritage is
unlike anyone else's in the world--past,
present, or future. Your identity is as
exclusive as your fingerprints.
You--your
inherent identity and worth--are like the
hub of a wheel. The spokes may be thought
of as the various characteristics,
positions, relationships, and possessions
you have. Although the spokes are
important, they do not by themselves
determine your identity or worth. See
diagram on the next page.
LOSING
SIGHT OF NATURAL SELF-WORTH
Despite
the biological stamp of inherent worth a
child is born with, he receives new
information from the environment. His
personal identity is unintentionally
labeled by the attitudes and actions of
parents and other important and generally
well-meaning adults. Good behavior
usually results in "Good boy,"
while bad behavior brings forth a label
of "Bad boy." Labeling a
behavior or characteristic as good or bad
may be appropriate, whereas using such a
label on a person is inappropriate and
can be harmful.
When
a child is given a label affecting his
identity or worth, he is faced with a
dilemma. His natural instincts tell him
he is a good, worthwhile person,
independent of doing well or not. When he
is labeled as a good and worthwhile
person IF . . . and that he is not
worthwhile unless . . . , what does he
believe? His natural, pre-programmed
beliefs or what others are saying? By the
time a child is around eight years old,
it is extremely likely that a new tape or
program will have developed in his mind,
suggesting his self-worth depends largely
on accomplishments and what others think.
IDENTITY
WHEEL
Even
in homes where caution is used in
applying labels and in teaching a child
the facts about who he is, a child still
has a natural tendency to begin using
personal labels of good or bad, depending
on his accomplishments and the opinions
of others. This proclivity for
self-labeling, if left unchecked, can eat
away at natural self-esteem much like
weeds can gradually overrun a beautiful
garden. Whether the natural, God-given
tape or the subjective, artificial tape
becomes the ruling force depends first on
the child's environment and then, as he
matures, on himself. Thus it is accurate
to say, "I was not born with low
self-esteem. I learned it."
When
our son Shane was eight years old, he
began playing soccer. Although I try not
to sound like a psychologist at home, I
could not pass up this opportunity to
teach him an important lesson. After one
of his initial games he came home and
jubilantly announced, "I am a great
soccer player." I asked him why and
he explained how he scored two goals. I
said, "Shane, that is great that you
scored two goals, but that does not make
you a great soccer player." I then
asked him to tell me what was fun about
the game and what he learned. I explained
it is more important to have fun and to
learn in sports than it is to be great.
I
was glad we had that discussion because
the next week Shane came home from a game
dejected, saying, "I am a horrible
soccer player." I again asked why.
He explained he was playing goalie when
he bent over to stop the ball and it
rolled between his legs scoring the goal
that lost the game for his team. I said,
"Shane, you made a mistake, but that
does not make you a terrible soccer
player. Now, did you have some fun during
your game? And, what did you learn?"
He got the point.
Although
this principle is so simple that a child
can understand it, an adult often shakes
his head in utter confusion. When you ask
an adult, "Who are you?" there
tends to be a long pause after which you
are apt to hear a variety of labels: I am
an attorney, a housewife, an engineer or
I am fat, bright, rich, lazy, or popular.
This common way of thinking leads a
person to base his intrinsic worth on
variables (possessions, accomplishments,
or the opinions of others) that can be
taken away or lose their value, rather
than on the natural and secure fact that
"I AM," therefore, "I have
worth and value."
YOU ARE
NOT YOUR ROLES
Although
everyone has important roles to fulfill
(son, daughter, brother, sister, father,
mother, husband, wife, friend, employer,
employee, athlete, musician), you are NOT
your roles. You are more than your
career, you are more than your body, you
are more than your marriage, and you are
more than your accomplishments or lack of
accomplishments. You are more than any of
these things. This simple truth is
obvious when we stop to think about it;
nevertheless, many people define their
identity by what they do.
You
can think of your various roles in life
as hats you wear: the hats are yours, but
you are more than your hats. Your roles
describe your responsibilities and to
some extent, what you do; however they do
not completely describe you (your
strengths, weaknesses, potential, and
personality).
BASING
SELF-WORTH ON FEELING WORTHWHILE
Wanting
to feel good about yourself is natural,
but since feelings are fickle and emotion
is constantly in motion, basing your
identity or worth on how you feel is
inherently unstable and insecure. If you
base your self-worth on feelings, your
view of your self-worth is on an
emotional roller coaster ride and you
feel less secure.
If
you forget about the rock solid
foundation you were born with and instead
base your sense of worth on how you feel,
your life is like a house built upon a
sandy foundation. As long as things are
going well, you tend to feel worthwhile.
But when the clear weather passes and the
storms of life come (illness, loss of
job, loss of loved ones) your very worth
as a person will seem to hang in a
precarious state. Even amidst the good
times, just knowing you could lose
"everything" can interfere with
fully enjoying your successes. The result
is an increased sense of stress and
anxiety.
Building
self-esteem on feelings or possessions is
like the man in the Bible who built his
house on sand. The rains came and the
house fell. But the man who built his
house on rock--on a firm foundation--saw
his house endure. Feelings and
possessions may pass, but your own
God-given uniqueness, abilities, and
potential will endure. 
STEPS TO
APPLYING THE PRINCIPLE
The
steps for applying the principle are
divided into three sections:
-
- Avoid seeking
after what you already have.
- Look at yourself
objectively.
- Accept your
natural self-worth.
AVOID
SEEKING WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE
- Beware of
"Identity Questions"
such as, Who am I?" or
"Am I worthwhile?" The
fact is, you are worthwhile. So
do not keep asking a never-ending
question such as, "Who am
I?" or "Am I
worthwhile?" Repeatedly
asking such questions is
depressing. Instead, ask
questions that lead to
constructive action, such as,
"What shall I do that is
worthwhile?"
- Notice if you set
up tests to determine your worth.
For example, "I am
worthwhile if I get a
promotion," "I am
lovable if he loves me,"
"I am intelligent if I
communicate well." Testing
your self-worth is
self-defeating. You cannot win.
Even if you score
high on several tests, you never
know how you will do next time.
The threat of not being
worthwhile lurks around every
corner. Continually questioning
your self-worth leads to
never-ending tests and increasing
self-doubt.
Trying to find
self-worth reminds me of the time
I looked all over the house, from
top to bottom, for my glasses,
only to discover I was wearing
them all along.
- Trying to secure
feelings of self-worth is a
losing battle, because emotion is
constantly in motion. You do not
need to fight for something you
already have.
Take
off the emotional battle fatigues
and peacefully do things you
consider worthwhile, regardless
of how you feel. The worst that
could happen is that you will
feel badly about yourself while
doing good things. It is much
more likely, though, that your
feelings of self-worth will
continue to fluctuate, but
without the extreme highs and
lows.
- Strive to
minimize or, if possible
eliminate, comparisons of
yourself to others. Comparing
leads to lower self-esteem or
artificially inflated
self-esteem.
- Key
point:
Most comparisons are
exaggerated and extremely
inaccurate because people
tend to compare their
insides with others'
outsides or they compare
their weaknesses with
others' strengths.
- If your goal is
to be someone or to be
worthwhile, the underlying
assumption may be, I am not
someone or I am not worthwhile.
It is better to think and talk in
terms of what you want to do,
rather than what you want TO BE.
Example:
"I want to work at the Bank
of America and someday manage the
local branch, rather than I want
TO BE a banker."
LOOK AT
YOURSELF OBJECTIVELY
- Observe how you
use the two most important words
affecting your identity and
self-esteem--I am.
- Caution:
Any habitual use of these
words to describe
yourself in any other way
than, for example,
"I am Laurie,"
"I am a
person," "I am
a child of God,"
"I am a woman"
may be hazardous to your
self-esteem.
Key
Point:
Avoid using good or bad
labels to identify
yourself or others
("I am smart"
or "I am
dumb").
- Likewise, observe
how you use the two most
important words affecting your
view of others--"He is . .
." or "You are . .
."
- Caution:
Any habitual use of these
words to describe others
in any other way than,
"He is Roger,"
"He is a
person," "He is
a child of God,"
"He is a man"
may be detrimental to
your relationships and
your self-esteem.
- Rather than
attempting to describe who you
are, describe what you think,
feel, do, or have.
Example:
I have certain talents,
accomplishments, and
relationships. Or I like to play
the piano, jog, and spend time
with friends.
- For additional
practice distinguishing who you
are from what you have:
Take
a piece of paper and draw a
vertical line down the center.On
the top of the left side, write
"I AM," and on the top
of the right side, write "I
HAVE."
- List as
many things about
yourself as you can,
placing them on the
appropriate side of the
line. Remember, only put
factual, permanent,
rock-solid statements
about yourself in the
"I AM" column. See the
following example.
ACCEPT
YOUR NATURAL SELF-WORTH
- If you
are concerned that your
productivity or
motivation will diminish
by accepting your natural
self-worth, consider the
following:
Myth:
If I accept the notion I
am worthwhile, perhaps I
will become lazy and fail
to accomplish some
important things.
| I Am
versus I Have |
- I ma
- John
- A Child
of God
- A Person
with Strengths,
Weaknesses, and Potential
- Male
|
- I Have
Thoughts (good and bad)
- Feelings
(pleasant and unpleasant)
- Habits
(good and bad)
- Accomplishments
(successes and failures)
- Possessions
- Family
relationships
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Fact:
Everyone has a natural
desire to improve and
accomplish, though some
have learned to ignore
it. When you strive to
achieve something because
of its value to you
rather than because you
are attempting to achieve
self-worth, you are more
likely to enjoy your
successes and more
successfully survive your
failures.
Myth:
If I accept the belief I
have natural worth, then
I am no different from
anyone else.
Fact:
You have a particular
combination of strengths,
weaknesses and potential
as unique as your
fingerprints. You are
special.
- Decide
that you want to accept
what you were born
knowing: that you have
inherent worth,
independent of others'
opinions or anything you
do. Then you can
strengthen or regain your
childhood faith in
yourself.
-
- Answer
the question of "Am
I worthwhile?" once
and for all. Take several
3x5 cards and write the
following words or
something similar:
- "I
am worthwhile because I
am me, a child of God
with a unique blend of
strengths, weaknesses,
and potential."
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- Place the
cards where you can see
them at least a dozen
times a day
(refrigerator, T.V.,
mirror, or the visor of
your automobile).
- Use your
feelings as a trigger to
remind you of what you
wrote on your cards.
Whenever you feel
depressed or doubt your
self-worth, say to
yourself, "I am
worthwhile because I AM
me, a child of God with a
unique blend of
strengths, weaknesses,
and potential." By
doing this you are using
feelings of self-doubt to
help remember what you
once knew so naturally.
- To
further reinforce your
effort to build a solid
foundation, share what
you are working on with
someone.
- Notice
that your efforts to
prove you are worthwhile
are never quite enough.
Just as you cannot prove
the existence of God, you
cannot prove you are
worthwhile, no matter how
hard you try.
- Key
Point:
Although you cannot prove
you are worthwhile, you
can choose to believe in
your worth as a person;
you can develop faith in
yourself.
Definition
of faith: To hope for
things which are not seen
or provable but which are
nevertheless true.
- Even
though you were born with
a sense of your inherent
worth, it is easy to
forget that you truly are
worthwhile. Like the
tiny, proverbial mustard
seed (Matthew 13:31; Alma
32), your natural faith
in yourself is easy to
overlook. Fortunately,
however, it is never too
late to nurture that
seed.
- Consider
developing faith in your
inherent worth just as
you have in other aspects
of your life such as the
faith you have in your
ability to graduate from
school, do a job, learn a
skill, or play a sport.
- Nurture
your natural
inclination--your seed of
faith--to believe in
yourself.
-
- Give your
self-worth the benefit of
the doubt. Exercise a
particle of faith, even
if you can no more than
desire to believe that
you have your own unique
worth as a person. Allow
yourself to hope it is
true--that you truly are
worthwhile.
- Listen to
those around you who know
the truth about your
worth (loved ones,
friends, and trusted
associates). Ask those
who care about you
whether or not they
believe you have any
worth.
- Even
though you may not feel
worthwhile, give yourself
permission to believe
others when they say you
have worth.
Strengthen
your faith in your
inherent worth by doing
things you consider
worthwhile.
- Caution:
If you do worthwhile
things in an attempt to
prove you are worthwhile
or that you are not
worthless, you will fail.
On the other hand, if you
believe you are
worthwhile yet neglect
doing worthwhile things,
your natural faith in
yourself will diminish.
Key
Point:
Striving to do worthwhile
things is essential to
your success and
happiness, but it is NOT
the foundation of your
self-worth.
Example:
Sharon doubts her worth
unless she does
everything right. Bill,
on the other hand,
believes he is worthwhile
because he does so many
things right. It would be
better if Sharon and Bill
each recognize they have
inherent worth,
independent of how well
they do things.
Be
patient. Faith in
yourself, like a mustard
seed grows slowly;
nevertheless, it will in
time become a strong tree
and bear good fruit.
- Frequently
reassure yourself that
feelings of low
self-esteem or
worthlessness, though
normal, do not change the
fact of your God-given
worth.
Remember:
Your fundamental identity
and worth is a fact, not
a feeling.
SUCCESS
STORY
I spent several
weeks trying to help Cari
overcome a lifelong feeling of
worthlessness. I asked her to
tell me if others viewed her
similarly to the way she viewed
herself. "Oh, I don't
believe so," she said.
Others viewed her as a loving
wife and mother. Her manager at
the bank viewed her as dedicated
and hard working. At church and
in the community, she was known
as someone who was willing to
help and serve others.
Although she was
aware of the good things she did
and of others' love and
appreciation, she continued to
feel badly about herself. I
reasoned and reasoned with her.
Sometimes she argued persuasively
that she just was not good
enough. Other times she
acknowledged that my reasoning
seemed valid; nevertheless, she
could not accept the idea that
she had unchangeable worth.
Because she
forgot what she once naturally
knew as a child--that she has
inherent, God-given worth--she
repeatedly asked, "Am I
worthwhile?" The more she
asked the question, the more she
doubted herself. She was caught
in a vicious cycle, a never
ending test of her worth as a
person. No matter how much she
accomplished, how often others
praised her, or how good she felt
about herself, she kept asking
the same question. Having lost
her childhood faith in herself,
she could not simply answer,
"Yes, I am worthwhile."
The problem in
Cari's case was not so much a
lack of effort, accomplishment,
or actual worth, but having
forgotten what she once knew so
well as a child then she
developed the self-defeating
habit of questioning and doubting
her instinctive or God-given
sense of worth. Repeatedly asking
herself, "Am I
worthwhile?" became as much
a problem as forgetting the
answer.
Since the answer
was preprogrammed in her mind, I
knew once she stopped consciously
and repetitively asking whether
or not she was worthwhile, the
natural answer would begin to
emerge. I suggested she stop
asking the question. She agreed.
Instead, she simply went about
doing her usual things. Whenever
the question popped into her
mind, she dismissed it and went
about doing her business.
As she thought
less about the question, an
interesting thing happened--she
became less troubled about her
identity and worth. It was not so
much that she suddenly felt great
about herself--who does?--but she
no longer doubted her worth as a
person.
EXAMPLE--A
SHAKY FOUNDATION OF SELF-WORTH
Fred had no doubt
about his worth. He was the
greatest. He was the president
and owner of a large corporation.
He was a popular and influential
member of his community. He had
plenty of money, a big house, and
expensive cars. He was also an
exceptionally talented and
successful athlete.
One night Fred
failed in bed with his wife, whom
he loved dearly. The next night
he tried harder, but to no avail.
With each succeeding effort--and
failure--he became increasingly
discouraged and down on himself
and eventually concluded, "I
am a failure."
Fred had spent a
lifetime convincing himself he
was worthwhile because of
his performance in school,
athletics, business, community,
and everything else he did. When
he experienced failure, he
naturally, though mistakenly,
believed he was a failure.
Before he could resolve his
problem, it was necessary for him
rediscover that his worth as a
person was intrinsic, not based
primarily on his performance. Result:
When he realized he was
worthwhile--even
lovable--independent of his
impressive list of successes, as
well as his recent failures, he
not only felt better, but to his
delight, performed better.
Reminder:
If this core principle does not
apply to your particular concern,
go to another core principle OR
go directly to the section on the
problem you wish to solve: (Communication
Difficulties, Depression, Sexual
Problems, or
Anxiety
Attacks)
GO TO:
Next Principle:
Build A Firm Foundation For Your
Personal Security
Previous
Principle:What You Can Versus
What You Cannot Control
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