Core Principle 6: Build A Firm Foundation For Your Personal Security

Although some things are more secure than others, nothing in this world is entirely secure. There are some things, of course, you have more control over than others; nevertheless, any relationship or thing in this world can be lost or taken away, despite your best efforts. Except for things pertaining to the Lord--who is unchangeable--everything else has some degree of insecurity associated with it.

Of course, the better you manage yourself, the more personal security you will have. As you develop more knowledge and skill, you are better equipped to deal with the opportunities and difficulties of life, whatever they may be. As you gain greater control over yourself, learning to live in a well-balanced, reasonable, and virtuous manner, you have a greater degree of security. For example, if you take good care of your body, your health is more secure. If you spend quality time with your family, your home life is more secure; and if you manage your money well, you are more financially secure. Note that I said you are more secure, not completely secure.

FEELINGS OF SECURITY FLUCTUATE NO MATTER HOW SECURE YOU ARE

Regardless of the degree of security you obtain in this life, your feelings of security or insecurity still fluctuate. Even people who manage themselves well feel self-doubts and insecurities from time to time. Though the intensity and degree of those feelings is usually less, they still exist. For example, Abraham Lincoln, one of our greatest presidents, experienced periods of deep depression; even Moses, with his outstanding spiritual and leadership qualities, felt woefully inadequate at times.

THE IRONY ABOUT TRYING TO FEEL SECURE

There is an interesting irony about trying to obtain the elusive and imaginary goal of emotional security. Even though the goal may seem reasonable, the fact is, you cannot attain it. The goal itself contributes to feeling less secure. Usually, the harder you try the worse you feel. On the other hand, when you put more effort into improving yourself and your relationships with others, you usually end up feeling better.

Many clients come to my office with the goal of feeling secure or eliminating feelings of insecurity. Occasionally I tell them if they find a way to secure feelings of security, let me know. We will sell it and make billions. Except for those in the tobacco, alcohol, and drug industry--who sell artificially induced feelings of security--everyone else will be delighted.

Key point: The goal to feel secure or to eliminate feelings of insecurity is futile. It is like trying to control the waves at the beach.

THE MORE SURE FOUNDATION FOR YOUR SECURITY--YOU

Your personal security is better thought of in terms of what you can control (mainly yourself), rather than on what you cannot completely control (what others' think of you, how nice a house or car you have, or how secure you feel). Although you cannot control all the circumstances in your life, you can learn to control yourself. As you do, you become more secure.

At the very core of what you control is what you think. Regardless of your circumstances, you can choose what you think and what you value. Not even torture and inhumane treatment in P.O.W. concentration camps, for example, can take away a soldier's love of God, family, and freedom. Within any given situation and the choices available in that situation, you are free to choose what you will think and do. No one can take away your freedom to choose. Likewise, no one can stop you from strengthening your foundation for security as you learn to better manage yourself and your relationship with others. But remember, even with a reasonably secure foundation, your feelings of security will still fluctuate to some extent.

BASING YOUR SECURITY ON YOURSELF-- A NATURAL TENDENCY

The natural tendency to base your security primarily on yourself rather than on others is seen in a child's instinctive drive to become increasingly self-reliant (learning to crawl, then walk, run, ride a bike, then drive a car). Although the child allows others to teach and help him, he ultimately wants to do things on his own. How often have you heard a child say, "I want to do it myself!" Even a child with a beloved security blanket eventually leaves it behind--sometimes however, only after a loving parent removes it. Then, as the child continues to learn and mature, he becomes more independent and secure, even though feelings of security fluctuate along the way.

If, when a child feels the normal, periodic feelings of insecurity, he is given reassurance that he is still all right, worthwhile, and capable, he generally learns to ride out the waves of emotion without giving them much thought or attention. He knows those feelings of insecurity will pass, so he focuses his attention and effort on doing things he considers important despite feeling insecure for awhile.

THE BENEFITS

A person with a well developed degree of personal security can lose a loved one, a job, his wealth, or even his health, and still have the ability and stability to regroup and effectively proceed with life. Consider Job, from the Bible, who lost family, possessions, friends, and his health for a time. After all that, he bounced back to live a successful and prosperous life. Even though he loved his family and valued his health, friends, and fine possessions, his personal security was solidly anchored in himself and in his relationship with God, not in the people or things that were taken from him.

Just as the skilled surfer is able to deal with a variety of surf conditions, when you are well-prepared you can effectively deal with the vicissitudes of life and ride out or even avoid some of the more traumatic waves of life. When your life is anchored in self-reliance, personal improvement, and an active faith in God rather than in things or in other people, the storms of life may buffet and bruise, but when the wind and rain subside, you are ready to sail again.

LOSING SIGHT OF THE NATURAL FOUNDATION FOR SECURITY--YOU

If, when a child feels insecure, parents send a negative message ("You are not good enough," "You are upsetting us," or "You should not feel that way") the child will likely experience more pain or difficulty than he knows how to handle. Then, rather than continuing on the natural course of basing his security on himself, he tends to get sidetracked, looking outside of himself for comfort and security.

Avoiding or minimizing pain then becomes the main goal instead of improving himself and accomplishing worthwhile things. Rather than doing the kind of things that lead to greater personal security, the child is likely to seek after alluring, counterfeit forms of security that promise feeling good once and for all, but always fail. He may, for example, become obsessed with being better than others in order to alleviate his suffering and insecurity; he may shy away from social or competitive activities out of fear of not being good enough; or he may attempt to anesthetize his pain with alcohol, drugs, or sex.

If the child does excel--in part because he is attempting to alleviate feelings of insecurity--he may become irrationally driven to maintain or achieve a yet higher level of success that makes a balanced, happy life difficult. I see this type of obsessive drive in some people who have achieved high levels of business or social success.

Or if "success" eludes this type person or becomes too difficult to obtain, he may give up or find some other way to escape how he feels about himself through alcohol, drugs, sex, or even T.V. Instead of simply focusing on developing and using skills that lead to a well-balanced and relatively secure life, he rides a treacherous treadmill seeking a fixed and secure feeling.

STEPS TO APPLY THE PRINCIPLE

Think of a time in your life when you were particularly independent and self-reliant. Write a brief description of a poignant event during that time. For the next month, review and try to relive that event for a few minutes, three times a day.
Example: Sally inadvertently became dependent on her husband, much to his dismay. She could hardly make a decision without worrying about whether or not he would approve. At first she could not think of a time when she was more independent and self-reliant, even though this had not become her pattern until after she was married. Finally, she thought back to a time in college when she was living with a roommate. Although she was considerate of her companion, she recalled how she made decisions independently, based on what she thought was best. I asked her to recall those times three times a day, possibly before each meal. As Sally did this, she began to rediscover her ability to think and act independently.
Monitor the amount of attention you place on doing things that make you more secure (such as improving yourself, your skills, your relationships with others and with the Lord) versus the attention you place on trying to find security in the things of the world (the praise or acceptance of others, more money and possessions, or a gorgeous body).
Remind yourself that the goal to find security through other people or things tends to produce greater insecurity. By increasing your awareness of what you are basing your security on, your mind will tend to gravitate toward the natural instinct of developing a solid personal foundation.
Strengthen your personal security by improving yourself physically, mentally, socially, professionally, and spiritually. Set a goal, make a plan--work on it. As you do you will become increasingly secure and the inevitable feelings of insecurity will become less intense and less frequent.

If you tend to base your personal security on someone or something other than yourself:

Take several 3x5 cards and write something like:

"My happiness and security depends more on me and the Lord and how I manage myself than on any other person or thing."

Place the cards where you can see them at least a dozen times a day (on the refrigerator, T.V., mirror, or the visor of your automobile).
Use your feelings of insecurity as a trigger to remind you of what you have written on your cards. Each time you feel insecure, say to yourself: "My happiness and security depends more on me and the Lord, and how well I manage myself than on any other person or thing."
- Result: Your insecurities will actually help you become more secure.
To further reinforce them in your mind, share your efforts and improvements with someone else.

SUCCESS STORY

As a teenager who often felt insecure, Mark frequently envisioned himself feeling secure and worthwhile when he would someday be a multimillionaire. It was not so much the money that he wanted, but the feelings of security that so easily alluded him as a youth.

For the next twenty years or so he studied and worked hard, often harder than anyone around him. To those who knew Mark, he was dedicated or driven to be the best employee or manager he could possibly be. That certainly was true, but even more important to Mark, and unknown to others, was his underlying quest for security.

Mark was 38 years old when he sold the company he started, for three million dollars--cash. His dream came true. He spent the next year buying everything he wanted and traveling around the world.

During his first appointment he told me his story. I was impressed with his accomplishments, not to mention the exotic Lamborghini parked in front of my office. He then dropped the bombshell--he did not feel any more secure now than he did before. In spite of all that hard work, a successful company, and a great deal of money, he still felt insecure. His lifelong plan for personal security failed. He was depressed--extremely depressed.

He did not know what to do with his life now. He still wanted to feel secure, but he had absolutely no idea of how to go about it. He knew he could start another company and perhaps succeed again, but he also knew that would not make him feel secure.

Although Mark came to understand that success and wealth does not, in and of itself, bring security, he was not ready to look at himself. He was afraid he could not stand the pain of facing up to being as insecure and inadequate as he perceived himself to be. His life and his perspective were so out of balance he was now, more than ever, convinced he was a failure. Unfortunately, he did not return after that first visit. Still, he provided a vivid example to me of the futility of building our lives on externals.

Rebuilding a Solid Foundation for Personal Security

As a child, Gloria was emotionally abused. To escape her pain she dreamed of the day when a man would love her so much she would feel secure in his arms. During college she found such a man. Tom was a confident, take-charge person. He was also very demanding, but Gloria did not mind. She bent over backwards to please him, because she loved him and because she needed his love in order to feel secure.

What she did not realize was that underneath his strong exterior, he felt just as insecure as she felt. His way to battle feelings of insecurity was to appear calm, strong, and rational. He needed to be in control. They both became dependent on one another--or codependent.

Before I helped Gloria rebuild her foundation for security, I explained what would probably happen in the marriage as she became stronger and more self-reliant, rather than Tom-reliant. At first, she had trouble imagining Tom feeling insecure at all, let alone being somewhat dependent on her. But then she began to recall that when she would start to do things for herself such as taking a class, spending time with her friends, or expressing a different opinion, Tom would become irritable and accuse her of being selfish and inconsiderate of his feelings. She began to realize his agitation was not her fault, but rather an indication he was basing his security on her and on her being dependent on him.

They were stuck, like two crabs in a bucket. Neither one could get out because the other one would not allow it. As soon as one climbed near the top, the other pulled him back down. Neither one could stand being alone, although they did not get along very well together.

Even though Gloria now realized that becoming stronger would be as hard on Tom as on her, she decided to do it, not to control him but because she loved him dearly and wanted their marriage to succeed. Tom refused to see me at first because, of course, he believed Gloria was the one with the problem. Nevertheless, Gloria began making some constructive changes in her thinking and behavior. Despite regularly reassuring Bill she loved him, Tom became increasingly agitated, especially as she learned to say "No" in a firm and polite way.

Eventually Tom realized that Gloria was becoming stronger and happier and he was feeling worse and was even worried he might lose her. Tom came to see me, but unlike Mark in the previous example, was brave enough to look at himself and admit his foundation for personal security had a crack in it. He humbly recognized his dependency on being in control and having Gloria need him.

It was uncomfortable for Tom and Gloria to initially untangle their codependency and establish two separate and independent foundations. With a great deal of courage--and encouragement--they not only became self-reliant, but they committed themselves to building a loving and respectful marriage. They are now like two independent, yet connected pillars, supporting the marital bridge they both designed and built.

Reminder: If this core principle does not apply to your particular concern, go to another core principle OR go directly to the section on the problem you wish to solve: (Communication Difficulties, Depression, Sexual Problems, or Anxiety Attacks)

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Copyright @ John R. Fishbein, Ph.D. 2000 All Rights Reserved